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[Metanoia]

Aloha,
My name is Stefania. I think I have CPTSD. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from the ages of 19-21. It got pretty bad and I do believe it would have led to physical abuse down the road. At the time, I had never experienced darkness in people like that. It happened slowly, over time so it was hard to see coming.  I think I always minimized what happened to me because I felt fortunate that I was only 21 when I got out and I know people have way worse things happen to them.

I remember being very hateful and angry for pretty much the whole summer after we parted ways. I even had to block him from all forms of contact because he wouldn't leave me alone. I trained for a marathon that summer also. Which in retrospect was my way of not dealing with it. After awhile the hate in my heart went away and i never really thought much about him. In fact i totally blocked him from my life at all. Not remembering he was around at different events with me. I even got rid of all my clothes bc i would remember hurtful things that happened while i was wearing them.

I didn't really date anyone seriously for a couple years after. But when I did i got titles like "best but meanest girlfriend." I really didn't understand why I lashed out or was so quick to get defensive. I just said it's because I was raised by the crazy Greeks and the fighting Irish. I think it also affected my self esteem. I thought I had good self confidence but didn't really.

Which brings me to now, eight years later and 5,000 miles away and this trauma still influences my life. It wasn't until a couple months ago i realized I bottled all this up and never dealt with it. It wasn't until a few days ago i realized I have become an emotional abuser myself. I am in the best relationship of my life and with someone that genuinely wants to help. I feel like my family and friends overlooked me all those years. I was seriously fading away from all the stress and most people just commented on how skinny I was but that was it. I realized i probably can't get over this on my own and I don't want to look back and regret not changing my ways. I have been remembering things a little bit more that I had blocked out and understanding things about myself that had always confused me. I even, the last eight years, carried a lot of tension throughout my body (shoulders, hips) and people would always ask why was i so tense. When I first discovered this i was very angry bc so much time has been wasted on not dealing with these things and I started thinking of anyone I had emotionally abused. Now I am feeling more compassionate with myself. I was young when it happened, I didn't know I bottled it up and I haven't done any irreparable damage but I cannot continue on this path. I need help.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Metanoia! I'm glad you're here. 

Do you know about narcissistic personality disorder? I'm wondering if your ex fits the description. https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

Pete Walker is a frequently referenced author and also had CPTSD - and a website with tons of info. He talks about the 4Fs there and it sounds a little like you may be experiencing the "fight" response. (Don't worry, when he says it's narcissistic he doesn't mean that YOU are a narcissist, just the response comes from a unilaterally self-preserving instinct). More on 4Fs here - http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I took the liberty of moving your post to the welcome section, where I'm hoping it will get more views. Thanks for joining!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there, Metanoia, welcome to the forum. ^^
I'm sorry to hear about that relationship, it was fortunate it only lasted two or so years but they were still... two years of whatever kind of abuse you endured - still traumatic regardless of length.
It's a good thing that you're aware of your own attitude, your sort of 'emotional abuse' towards people and seek to change it, it's a very important step in the healing process I think. I wish you well, and I'm glad to hear about your wonderful relationship. ^-^

[Blueberry]

  welcome Metanoia!

I think you're so honest and brave coming on the forum and telling us right away that you believe that you abuse others emotionally! It is said that hurt people go on to hurt others, and I am no saint in this regard. I have hurt others in the past (emotionally). I used to be a Fighter as well as Freeze and Flee. I fight less now, so the good news is that we can heal! But healing is certainly easier if we're aware of how we act and are honest to ourselves about it. And you are.

I hope you find the links ThreeRoses gave you useful, or any other material you find on here.