Tearful therapist

[JamesG]

Well that was new.

Described a lifetime of people running me down, contradicting me and undermining me, and she got very angry on my behalf and her eyes welled up. I'm getting closer to the point that really matters I think, the confidence-sapping attrition of a lifetime of narcissists. I am going to have to face this one down with some very painful analysis I think. Odd all this, I'm a successful novelist, you'd think I'd reason enough to shake all this but the truth is that they obliterated my ability to enjoy life, there was just no aspect of my self that was not pulled to peices or blocked, and it is not going to be easy to get past that conditioning. I will tho, oh I so will. Some days I get fan mail and I look at it blankly, at it means nothing. Food tastes like carboard, my sex drive has been towed out to sea and scuttled and the simplest things feel like olympic sports. I have two novels out, they are loved, I feel nothing. I've been wiped out. This must not last, I am blowed if I am going to let these sad, frustrating people shape the rest of my life. Life needs living. Get the F@£$%^ out of my head you losers.

[Combine59]

I heard there are therapists and friends that hear your story and will cry "for" you when you can't. I think when you have lived the story for so long you become numb to the pain that has been caused. No wonder, it's been self preservation for us all. But to have someone cry gives an inkling about how bad things really were, and maybe we should have the same compassion for ourselves as others might. Here's to you and recovery!

[Lilfae]

I had the same feeling, and still do, for the book that I wrote and helped illustrate. We published it through kickstarter and not through a publishing house. But I can relate to the emptyness feeling on looking at ones achievement as if it doesn't really matter in the whole big scheme of things. But they do matter, because they are proof that we can achieve things, even when we struggle. It's easy to forget that even small steps towards the goal are also really valuable steps, I know I forget daily and it can take months until I remember again. And I know it is easy to say so, but not so easy to follow through.

You say you are facing a big battle ahead, knowing this alone I think you are at least a little prepared to face it. But know that you are not alone. We'll be here to listen and to cheer you on.

[JamesG]

thanks chaps

[Three Roses]

Get the F@£$%^ out of my head you losers.

Love it!

[JamesG]

it is an odd thing, I know a large part of it is conditioning. I was taught not to share successes because it aggravated my brother, my mother reinforced this endlessly. She used to ask me to tone myself down because my happiness provoked him. On occasions this could be really extreme, for instance, if we were out socially and I was on form, he would wait until the evening was ending and then lay in to me. He would also act behind the scenes to destroy projects I was working on by spreading doubt about me to my team members and colleagues. I ended up dreading success, classic social conditioning. It was hard because I'm a bit of a creative type, but across a lot of different media. So I do some acting, rthat gets attacked, I am in a band, that get's savaged, I have a design company, again, abuse. My mum was terrified when my first book came out, "I'm so worried about the effect it will have on your brother." This went on right up to her death when we were both in our 50s, it's insane. I carried this with me into the workplace even when he and I went NC. I fully expected attacks if I did well. As a result I held myself back. He spent years propagating a view of me as attention seeking to our mutual friends, a classic narc tactic. However, a few ran with it and that made me reclusive. It's not my fault I can do this stuff ffs. For some reason, I am very creative. I don't do it for adoration, it's just what I do, I enjoy it and I have an aptitude for it. Unfortunately it enraged my darling brother and made me terrified to further myself. I'm not going along with that anymore but the programming is very deep. I find selling myself nigh impossible. It's the big frontier in my therapy now, one I am determined to punch through. I've neglected my talents for too long. I hope my brother has read my first novel, he's the villain. It's a dark comedy and people love it. It means a huge amount to me when readers hate the villain along with me. Vindicates me somehow. But I'm still a way off just having fun with it, that will come later, thankfully the creative process is able to go on anyway. I just want to be myself finally. Isn't that what we all want... what we all need?

[Sceal]

 

There's no wonder that you got problems with feeling joy for your achievments with so much emotional abuse from your mother and your brother throughout your entire life.

I hope that through your creativity you will find ways to be yourself, and finally in the end at all times.

[Piou]

James, I so relate to what you're describing!

I also have an older sibling who was jealous of me and tried to undermine me in every way she could.
We were pretty young when this happened though so some of it I can attribute to immaturity, her not knowing how to deal with her own issues and trying to have control over something.

But yeah, it was pretty traumatic to me and to this day I struggle with being the center of attention, feeling like everyone is judging me all the time, not knowing what I truly feel, paranoid that people don't really like me, etc. Also,  the fact that my mother always took her sidde made it all the more frustrating, like she would do everything to accomodate her so she would not get angry.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I feel you.

Hope we can both recover from this

[helliepig]

I so relate to your posts. The emptiness, the battle to fight. The way your family undermined you, all of it.
It's so hard isn't it. I endured similar and I feel all the time I am not enough, saying or doing the wrong thing, out of control. shameful.
Facing the emotional wounds at the core is scary because It is a maelstrom of rage, hurt, confusion. I am touching the edges of it too and scared of unleashing it. Both on me and those around me!
I think it's fab you have turned your brother into a villain and you can be creative. That's the hub of you that knows the truth and can testify to it but still as yet needing validation to really think you are entitled to your world view.
It's horrid how it makes you doubt what you know and what you feel and see happening in front of you because they all play the same game.

Rooting for you!

[JamesG]

I'm a comic author, and my humor is pretty central to who I am as a person, something that was also attacked continuously. My aim regarding narcissists is to portray them as figures of fun, because that's what they are beneath all the cruelty and posturing. Something like 90% of comedy in sitcoms is about narcissists, main characters are frequently narcs. The Big Bang Theory, Taxi, Cheers, MASH, Two and a half men, The IT crowd, Blackadder, it's a long long list. Long term I want to write a black comedy specific to narcissism, my aim being to show how deeply silly they are. Laughing at them is one way to educating people to spot them earlier, especially in potential relationships. Given distance I can find some of the things my brother has said or done comedy gold, but it's important to realise that if you are boxed in by these people and there are consequences, there is no amusement to be had at all. That was my dilemma, if my mother had stood up to my brother instead of enabling him, then the story would have been totally different. as it is, she supercharged him and held me hostage by entangling her affairs with him while I was trying to keep her safe leading up to her death.

I have also written a non-comic ghost story with a narc villain which is free on Youtube as an audiobook, but I'm a bit wary of posting links as I know that both my ex and my beloved sibling are monitoring my activities and I wouldn't want them looking in here. Trust me, it would happen. In a few years I will drop the worry tho, once I am stronger I would weather any attack on me with glee' but I am still very wobbly and my conditioning would make me crash in the face of an attack. Later! But yeah, I really want to deal with this issue at some point. I can't approach some areas of abuse and make that work, but I want to look at their mindset and lay it bare for derision essentially. Slow burner, watch this space.

[Blueberry]

James, near the end of my Journal I described a therapist crying for me and my pain. I was inspired by your post here, but I decided to put it in my own Journal so as not to totally hijack your post, but if you're interested or need some validation, take a look. The post isn't quite at the end of my Journal because I've been posting away madly since then.

I get the don't-be-happy-it-upsets-your-brother. There was a bit of that going on in my FOO too. Older brother couldn't deal with me being happy about this or that that had nothing to do with him, so I was told by M in no uncertain terms to contain my happiness, not show it.

I used to hide improvements I made at work, hope nobody would notice them and certainly not know they were made by me.  Sounds a bit like what you're describing. Long time ago now, since now self-employed. But that's hard too. I'm gettign better with being seen, being known to, um, exist.

[JamesG]

ok Blueberry, where's your journal?

[Blueberry]

Here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5963.0

[Eyessoblue]

James, you are amazing! Seriously, every time I read your posts I find them totally inspiring, don't give up your talents ever they are what defines you being you. You have so much talent that you cannot let anyone take that away from you, look at what you have achieved after what you have been through, keep going strong and keep that creativity going, I would love to read some of your published work one day.