New here, not sure where to post? *might be triggering*

[river77]

I feel hesitant to post as I'm not 100% sure I have C-PTSD and I know this is going to sound like a big whiny rant. Whenever I read about the horrors others have endured, I wonder how I can say I have this, but I have all the symptoms. I'm curious about what anyone here thinks. I had one therapist years ago say she thought I had PTSD, and a very compassionate spiritual teacher last year asked me if I'd been diagnosed with PTSD, because she seemed quite sure that's what was going on. I don't even know where to start. I'm in my early 30s now and somehow seem to have become a total mess. My depression, anxiety and insomnia started when I was 13 and haven't stopped since then. I always thought that somehow, things would just clear up...I would simply exercise enough, meditate and eat right and things would be fine. I imagined much more for myself. Over the past few years the worst of my problems resurfaced with a vengeance. I was completely unable to sleep...I felt panicked, and very depressed, with many suicidal thoughts again. I felt completely dominated by my triggers, my past family complexes etc. I also have always felt a lot of social anxiety and like I can't relate to most people around me. Whenever I would socialize I would get extremely triggered by certain things so I would get extra anxious to socialize, knowing I might be triggered. I also struggle with rage, irritability and constant frustration, and I've had a few emotional meltdowns (publicly) in recent years that were humiliating. My speech can get harsh and fast when I'm triggered, and then I feel I alienate people. The rest of the time I feel spaced out and less aware of how I come across to people, and they sometimes think I'm rude but that is never my intention. I missed a lot of classes and couldn't absorb information very well or finish my work. I could barely stay awake since I wasn't sleeping at all. Everyone around me basically didn't care when I tried to explain things to them. I felt like a burden to everyone around me, like a black cloud. I became extremely isolated...I wondered if they were judging me or I was judging them...I think I'm basically afraid of people.

At my age everyone I know is married with kids, house, career, friends. I've been floating around living off my parents' money (that they gave me...I didn't ask) my whole life. I have very low self-esteem and I feel like a teenager in many ways. I don't really know how to be an adult, I feel dissociated and anxious pretty much all the time. For the first half of this year I could barely get out of bed. I isolate myself from people because I'm ashamed of myself and I'm afraid they will bully and judge me (it happens not too infrequently). The more people rub my situation in my face the less I want to interact with others and the more I want to disappear. This is my current situation and I'm really NOT happy about it, I'm going to be moving home to try to get a job (I've been living abroad...again the language, cultural and legal barriers have been another big stressor, and another source of shame that I didn't learn the language because I'm completely unable to focus or care about anything)...my emotions are quite badly regulated and I'm exhausted by so many years of crying on a nearly daily basis and regularly thinking about suicide...just living in a near constant state of emotional pain. 

I had a very traumatic birth and almost died...was c-section and then in intensive care 12 days or so strapped down as a baby, mom couldn't see me for awhile as she was in bad shape too. I know for sure this contributed to my dissociation and anxiety. That was followed up with angry father - constant yelling, walking on eggshells, totally unpredictable, spanked me, hit me with a belt when I was 13 because I ate 1 brownie too many, started hitting me in public once because I'd gotten lost, no emotional awareness, enjoys ridiculing me and my mom, made inappropriate comments about my body when I was a teenager, very dictatorial, sexist comments, constantly tried to invalidate my opinions and feelings, chased me into bathroom where I would lock the door and he would be waiting outside for me to peek before he shoved his way in, threatened me, declared himself the king and my mom and me his 'serfs', temper tantrums, never knew when something would rub him the wrong way (dangerous) or he wouldn't care at all... Best of all he has no memories whatsoever of ANY of it which now results in his belief that I'm simply trying to villainize him and he doesn't understand why I avoid him. As for my mom I believe she also has a kind of C-PTSD but her way of coping is to deny and avoid everything, sweep under the rug, act like everything is just fine. She also minimizes what I tell her and I wonder if I'm just exaggerating it and am crazy. She doesn't seem to believe me even though she will admit to my memories being accurate, she says it didn't happen as much as I say, but I am sure that it did because I didn't forget it. She would always justify his behaviors and act like I'm crazy for calling him abusive. Recently have had to yell at her to get her to understand anything. Apparently when I was 8 I told her she could divorce him...if nothing was so wrong, why on earth would a child tell her mother that?! She also tells me I just need to 'get over it'. If it were that easy I definitely would have by now, I've been in therapy half my entire life!

I'm wondering also if being spoiled and being taught helplessness is another thing contributing to C-PTSD? I feel sort of strange because I guess my childhood was a combination of having everything and anything I wanted, and on the surface totally 'perfect', while at the same time emotionally being intense and messed up...one second dad was calling me a '* born with a silver spoon' (who gave that to me? guess I was literally born with it! this was in response to my basically disagreeing with him) and a 'coward' for 'cwwyying', and the next praising me to the heavens in extremely uncomfortable ways, about how I could be famous and how accomplished and amazing I am (really overdoing it..). I feel I can't live up to their expectations...my whole life I've just escaped into my inner fantasy world. Now that I'm really officially an 'adult' this has all gotten extremely depressing, as I can't see a way out of the mess, or see how this dark veil that hangs over my reality is ever going to lift long enough for me to substantially move forward or live a healthy adult life. I would really like a healthy relationship too...I always get especially emotionally intense in relationships, I had one where I couldn't stop crying for 4 months. Part of it is that I am very sensitive to my partner's repressed emotions too and I will automatically mirror them back to him. I just don't know how to normally interact with people, I sort of put on a mask to get by but in intimate relationships I become almost like a silly playful child. I don't want to lose that part of me but... how do I become an adult for most of the time?? :-/ 

I've been trying to work with my issues holistically since I was 16. I've been seeing therapists since I was 15. I have a therapist I like now but it is a more spiritual/alternative type of therapy, and while it has helped me in many ways, I still feel insane and constantly depressed/anxious. Meditation, exercise and yoga DO help me a lot, but the effects don't last very long...I'd have to spend all my time on self-care just to feel normal. I will start to feel sort of less depressed, but my moods are still a rollercoaster. Plus I never know when insomnia will strike and throw off all my good intentions for being healthy. Basically my outer life overwhelms me so that even if I get to a happier place inside myself, I still find the outer world terrifying and daunting, then I crash back into depression. I think I might try EMDR or CBT - anyone have experience? I also heard about TMS therapy - anyone done this? I just realized how afraid and paranoid I've become of sharing things like this with people...any PTSD symptoms I had, have been compounded in my 20s by bad experiences with men (penetrated in my sleep, almost raped a second time, among other just generally disrespectful relationships) and receiving harsh judgments/"you should be ashamed/you're just an angry teenager / you're just choosing to be depressed" type remarks. I am extremely extremely extremely sensitive to sexism and misogyny and objectification...this triggers me massively and it's something that is everywhere.
I will soon be moving back to my parents' house and while this seemed like a good idea seeing as how I'm not functioning well in my current situation, I'm extremely nervous. My dad has changed and improved a lot, but it still angers me that he doesn't acknowledge (or remember in the first place) anything, and still ridicules etc. Other times I feel more forgiving and loving towards my parents and like that's healed quite a bit. I AM very grateful for everything they've done for me, but then on the flip side is all the frustration. I wish I could permanently stop ruminating constantly on the past and create something new...I've certainly been trying to do that, especially for the last 7 years. But I'm still left with my jumpy nervous system/emotions and depression/anxiety/insomnia. Anyway...I'm really sorry for this long rant...maybe someone out there can relate to it. It feels good to get it off my chest. I'm looking forward to exploring the forums more and hopefully contributing something useful. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the forum, river77! Glad you're here.

No one here is qualified to diagnose you; however, because complex PTSD is relatively unknown, many of us are self-diagnosed.

The key, I think, is self-education. We have a section with printable info -
http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/. This can be for you or your health care providers.

Someone we quote a lot here is Pete Walker, who has a searchable website - http://pete-walker.com.

Here's some info on emotional flashbacks, which I think you describe in your post - http://www.gostrengths.com/what-is-an-amygdala-hijack/

And lastly, there are many books on the subject. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/Books.html

I know that's a lot of info to throw at you but since your post was long too, I figured you could handle it.

I'm glad you're here, our voices together make us harder to ignore - so thanks for joining!

(The reason we discourage long posts is that many of us find large sections of text very triggering. The longer your post, the less likely it will be read in its entirety. Just fyi. )

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there, River, welcome to the forum. ^-^

I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you.
I know what you mean about parents like that... my dad would do the same, ridicule me for the smallest of things, then the next day give me the highest of expectations and praise me and it would feel so weird and uncomfortable, felt like he was lying to me or he was out of his mind or something.
I can't type much at the moment at the moment, I have a lot of stuff to get done today but I'd just recommend you seek out a trauma therapist that could help you with all this. Best of luck.

[Kat]

Hello and welcome.  It's always funny--in a very, very sad completely unfunny way--how people who finally decide to open up downplay their experiences and fear they are only whiny.  NOT SO.  NOT EVEN CLOSE.  You've experienced trauma for sure.  What you describe is not even close to healthy.  I'm so glad to see that you are searching for something and found your way here.  So very, very glad.  It is HUGE.

In my experience, the road is long and oh, so bumpy and unpredictable.  But, it is so very worth it.  I hear you voicing some concern about the support you are receiving currently.  It may not be that it's the "wrong" way, but only a part of the way.  I have been in talk therapy with the same therapist for over a decade.  She encourages me to seek additional support, knowing that she is not enough.  I have searched and come up empty until recently.  I found a somatic experiencing therapist who does bodywork.  It has been an amazing, amazing experience and it compliments the talk therapy perfectly.  I'm not totally "well," but I feel the strongest and most whole as a person as ever before in my life. 

Keep looking.  Keep fighting.  Trust your instincts.  If your instincts tell you that you're * at reading people...respect that.  Be careful and judicious.  Much love to you.

[river77]

Three Roses: Thanks so much for the resources! Sorry it was so long, it's a habit of mine. I'll try to make posts shorter in the future!! I realize no one can diagnose me on the forum, just curious if it resembles others' experiences here or I'm off the mark. I need to see a psychiatrist to see what's going on.

Aphotic: Yes, it's so crazy-making...I felt like he was 2 people. Nowadays he's just praising me in a really unrealistic way constantly and gets angry if I don't like it. Sigh.    I'm very sorry to hear you've also had that experience. My parents don't understand why my self-esteem is so low because they "praised me a lot." My therapist says that's not the way to build self-esteem in kids and it comes from build a sense of confidence through competence and patient discipline. Not through getting furious for stupid things, then praising too much for minor things. They were pretty clueless about raising children but they made it look like they did everything right. 

Kat: Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean more to me than you know. I feel like I haven't heard that from anyone, ever. I experience more frustration building up because whenever I voice my experiences and feelings, people do not really listen and tend to shrug it off or tell me 'get over it' in various ways. I took a couple of classes in somatic psychology in college and I have dipped my toe into that sort of therapy...the one woman I saw a couple of years ago I didn't particularly like, but I know forms of somatic therapy can be very powerful! I'm also looking into EMDR and TMS (if I can get insurance that covers it)...there's a TMS center directly in my small hometown where I'll be moving - I can't believe it.

Thanks for the warm welcome!    

[Blueberry]

Welcome river!

I just skimmed your post (though I often write pretty long posts myself lol) and the 'almost-died-at-birth' caught my eye. That's a potential traumatic event right there, and then separated from your mother for the next days... That's enough for PTSD (the simple form), maybe for CPTSD too, Idk. If PTSD goes untreated, and further traumatising thigns happen, boom, you're into CPTSD, roughly speaking. I'm not a doc or therapist. CPTSD, childhood onset is pretty unhelpful, putting it mildly, in allowing us to grow, develop, change, become functioning adults, able to e.g. set limits.

I was a mess by my early 30's too. I had a complete break-down and have never gone back to the life I led before. Too long to write it all out, but when you read around the forum e.g. in people's Journals you'll start to see what that means. I'm not married either, never even had a relationship, and I'm approaching 50. I have no children of my own, though I do have a godchild     I partially live off family money. Sometimes I feel bad about it, or wonder if that's keeping me ill, but I don't really think it is. There were a lot of things my parents were unable to give me when I was growing up, like protection, love, security  - all that kind of stuff. Now at least they can help me live half-decently.

Anyway I can identify with quite a few things in your post. Hope to see you around the forum more. I'm sure you'll be able to contribute. 

[river77]

Hi Blueberry! Thanks for your reply!
Oh...I completely understand what you're saying. I agree, I think the birth trauma initially caused an underlying traumatic imprint and then that continued to be compounded by other factors. I'm also at a sort of crisis point...lately I'm finding I can't breathe very well, especially when I think/talk about family dynamics. Especially talking to my mom. Like I just start choking and my lungs can't take air...interesting because I nearly died of suffocation at birth. It will be interesting/scary to go back to the home environment but I'm planning to get EMDR or TMS therapy, and if all fails, Ketamine infusions or microdosing. I'm tired of feeling this way and I can't move on like this. Feeling barricaded in my apartment right now. Even if I rationalize why I should do something I just can't seem to do it or want to interact with others. I'll definitely post about the treatments when I decide what to do. I'll keep reading more on here. 
Take good care!

[PrincessPearl59]

Hi River! Lovely to meet you.
So sorry for all you've suffered.

I understand the need to have therapy....I'm also trying to find someone who can help with my trauma.....but I believe there is also a place for very simple self-nurturing.

You say you're trapped in your apartment much of the time....then maybe start there. Gentle music, candles, incense, bubble baths, herb teas, a good book, yoga/Pilates, meditation etc. Tell yourself you're as worthy as the next person and you're going to treat yourself as such. Learn to love yourself and believe that you're not going to be (can't think of the word! Brain's gone dead!!) 'something'd'(?) by what other people have done or said to you.

I really, really know how it's easier said than done, but no therapy will work unless we can see that we deserve to get better and didn't deserve what we've experienced in the first place.

You're definitely worth it and I send you loads of love and hugs. Hope this helps.

❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹

How would you like to be? Visualise that person and try to start to become them.

[JamesG]

Hi River, and welcome. Some good peeps in here, you are in safe hands.

Just a quick response here, but your story ressonates a lot and you express it well. It immediatly reminded me of a useful psychology term called Learned helplessness. This is where you have been living in situations where your ability to exert any self determination is minimal. This deep programmes your mind to think that your lack of control is specific to you in ALL situations, an understandable assumption especialy when you are young. This was very much my experience. Realising this effect is a big one. In reality, anyone, ANYONE, is going to develop this condition if the situation is bad enough and it is an evil thing, undermining your ability to take control and build your confidence. But, as with all such conditions, it's an illusion that can be overcome with work. Start small, and begin to push back, removing all the obstacles and influences you can to your normality. Read everything you can on this stuff and build your awareness, understanding is 80% of this battle.Many of us in here are coming in as hurt children and coming out as virtual psychology professors, learning on the job! I have found the Spartan Life Coach on youtube to be invaluable, his ability to express things in a simple accesible way has been huge in my recovery so far.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=spartan+life+coach

You can be the river that flows uphill!