C-PTSD?

Started by MarieKT, August 26, 2017, 04:12:01 AM

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MarieKT

 I just recently became aware of Complex PTSD, but think that it may fit my situation. I'll try not to delve into every detail and just touch on the important things.
       My father was a drinker, but more importantly, he was just a miserable, cruel person, who subjected my mom, brother and I to abuse. It was very unpredictable and I had to watch how I behaved and how I spoke to him. As a teenager, I once spoke back and he lunged at me with his hand on my throat. He was very verbally abusive to my mom and never hid that from my brother and I, so we were caught up in a lot it.
          What I suppose was one of the more damaging things he would do, was deprive us of sleep. I would say he woke us up almost every night at least once, but often many times. He would go into the basement, which is where he played pool, and drink. At night, while drinking, is when he would start to ruminate on things that bothered him, he would then pull us out of bed and scream about politics, etc. He would scream and curse and have wild eyes. This went on for many years and I learned over time what doors were more solid and could withstand being kicked in.
       One of the worst aspects, was that my mom and brother really made things worse. My brother, instead of protecting me, just used me as his punching bag, and my mother always seemed to say I deserved whatever I got from my dad or brother. Anyways, I never felt like anyone was on my side.
        Now, as an adult, I've definitely had some problems. I have panic disorder, which has lead to fainting spells, and a number of other problems. I've always felt weird or tainted, and occasionally like a monster, it's kinda hard to explain. I've been in therapy before, for a number of years, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I cannot trust and I cannot talk about my feeling associated with certain events. I know that my previous psychologist thought I was dissociating and gave me a test for that. I believe it showed that I do that maybe more than most people, but not a clinical level.
        I don't think he ever really did figure me out, but now I'm wondering if C-PTSD makes more sense. I'm not sure if the severity would apply, seeing as how I was not routinely beaten, starved or sexually abused. I was terrorized, however, and felt at the mercy of a madman with no means of escape. Mostly though, it was verbal and lots of threatening. My dad would do things that have always stayed with me, one being pinching and sometimes biting us. Another, was trying to get me and my brother to fight, to drink raw eggs and other feats of strength. I even have a recollection of him telling me to stick a penny in a light socket. I few times, I recall him telling me in some detail how he could kill me. Weird, cruel things that have always stuck with me. Could events such as these lead to C-PTSD?

woodsgnome

All of these awful recollections, MarieKT, fit any descriptions of CPTSD--especially in that they happened multiple times and produced varying degrees of mental and emotional anguish.

CPTSD isn't 'just' one form of abuse or another, but can include any one type (physical, emotional, sexual) in solo or combination thereof. The type of heavy abuse you lay out that still devastates your life and being is by all means CPTSD in all aspects of its definition. It's only a name, in one sense; but it's useful to pin it down more and distinguish it from other conditions.

In case you're not familiar with his work, you might want to check out the work of Pete Walker: http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm
plus check out the numerous resources and forum entries on this website.

Most of all, you need some warm  :hug:. What you endured was a travesty, but you can, and will, find a way forward; just by being here, you've shown courageous resilience and fortitude. At some point you can hopefully find the relief you so desperately need.

Kat

Welcome to CPTSD.  I'm truly sorry you're here.  We all minimize the trauma we experienced.  You lived in a chaotic, unpredictable, and abusive environment.  I'm in no place to diagnose, but given all that I've read and all that I've experienced myself, I would be surprised if you had come out of it unscathed or even with just minor "issues" related to your childhood.

We are here for you and for each other.  I hope you will continue to post.  I look forward to getting to know more about you.



Three Roses

Welcome, MarieKT! I'm sorry for what you've been through and can relate to how terrifying that was, your dad sounds a lot like mine. And bro and mom, too.

I have a headache or I'd write more but I hope it helps to know finally you've found a group of people who "get" it.

sinthia820

From what I understand CPTSD comes from parental figure dysfunction. Not having a safe nurturing, supportive, protective adult figure when you are growing and developing. It's as simple as that. The developement of a child happens at certain times without the proper care there is dysfunction. Just like how birds don't know they are birds until they are taught to be. Without proper raising you raised yourself... and while that is thought to be sad by normal standards what it really is is devistating. A 4 year old no sooner has the knowledge or skills to raise it self as a bird would know how to teach itself how to fly.