New Here I Feel the Need to Tell Some of My Story (no harsh details just moments

[Koojiru]

 

Hey so, I am making an education book thing on Complex PTSD for my partner and stumbled across this form. It's actually neat that I found this now because I have been struggling with urges to use, self harm, and the like, so maybe getting some of the toxins of my past out by typing them to strangers who've been there will help? That's my hope.
So, we have to go back to 92, my birth year (also weirdly the year Complex PTSD was said to be described by Judith Herman so says wikipeadia...) so, there I am being born moms probably screaming away both grandmothers present, but dad was kinda missing. Because he decided my birth didn't mean more than using. Flash forwards until sunrise in March I am born! And honestly those moments in the hospital were my safest in my 25 years of living. Anyways, when I go home with my biological happy family all joyus of this new baby....oh wait no, this was the start of worse stuff happening. You see, the people around my mom knew of my dads problems and abuse, and of hers as well so I was later told before that "wonderful day in March" a lot of them told her "You need to get an abortion!" (one of them being the grandmother who raised me, shes the one who told me) but obviously she didn't (yay? maybe? <_<). So, a lot of crazyness ensues the day I came "home", like...animal dung all over my room, carpets on my windows, full diapers for God knows how long, got left in a sink of water once when my mom went to shower....my aunt found me, I sometimes wonder how, and when in the stages of sinking and drowing I would have done, cigarette burns, violence being whitnessed, strangers coming in and out, someone took advantage of my parents neglect and, well sexually abused me, and finally the last straw daddy broke my leg when I was 22 months old.
That's about when I went into foster care, where we don't know what happened to me but the stories I've been told go, that I would scream bloody murder if you touched my hair, so also where the sexual abuse could have happened, we don't know, all I know is that I know it happened before I could remember. It was so scary, that my grandparents and my mother and father fought hard to get me out, and the saints they were plucked me from foster care and dropped me into my grandparents laps. Such heros they were to all, taking on an abused 2 year old! Cause no one would have wanted me! (so my grandma later told me). Yes, saints...yelling drunken stoned screaming red faced angry saints, least my grandmother was like that. My grandfather just kinda turned a blind eye to it, walked away one day when I was like 12-14 and confessed my wishes to die crumpled on the floor so sick and hurt I couldn't even stand. They never laid a finger on me, but many cutting words, I don't actually recall much from when I was 2-17, even from 17-20 I can't really remember. All I know is that on several occasions my grandmother would scream at me, stomping her cane for one reason or another, coming closer and even one day almost hitting me upside the head with it. Often times I would fall to the ground and cry scared out of my mind, and she would stop, offer a hug, demand a hug more like because if I refused? It would start all over again. Now maybe a lot of this wasn't nessisarly her fault, but it sure as * was her responcibility. She was physically abused by her father so bad that she didn't remember that she was his favorite to go after. Later abused by my mothers father, who I have never called grandpa because he never made an effort to do much with me but throw me across a park. And when I was 10, she got into a car accident so bad she had to go onto disability and get a few surgeries on her spine and shoulder. So it's like, can I truly blame her? No. But I do and I will, even though part of me gets it I will always be so angry. This was my life, until I was about 20, along with lies and truths mixed into one about the days of my babyhood, me being used like some missile of anger to be thrown at differing family members. My dad was never around, all he had to do was be sober though and he could have seen me any day, but prison was more fun I suppose.
Moving on, April 9th or 10th 2011, I was with a boy who was very psychologically and emotionally abusive, shaped and molded me into this person I don't even recognize, every little ounce of self I had created over the years of abuse and missing selfs, looking into mirrors and detaching from every aspect of reality, I had some. He killed it all and honestly only parts I can recall. Slept with his best friend since diapers, while we were together, would send her text hearts and lovey * while he sent me "ah"s. When I simply asked if he had slept with her he only got mad and threw a fit. He also probably cheated on me in Cuba. So that morning, which ever morning it was, he decided to tell me our relationship was not healthy at like, 2am? I cried until he told me it was bed time around 5am, and lead my detached self up to his room, dispite me asking for anywhere else. I stared at the ceiling until sunrise, and fell asleep for a few hours. I woke up still detached, and he decided it was a good time to get freaky, I tried to pull away, draw my lips in, thought about screaming and yelling fighting and running, but I was too weak. I hadn't slept much but those maybe 3 hours in 3 days, possibly eaten either. So yeah that happened....
Moving forward again,  I became an addict, for like 2 years and still have problems staying sober. So I meet this "friend" and this "friend" does what I did with me, so he knew how it effected ones judgment and all that jazz. So later on he ends up staying sober, waiting for me to get messed, making moves and calling that consentual. I did make the first move on him when we were both messed but to continue it after I told him to stop, and him waiting until I was messed and he stayed sober, still haven't quite absorbed that one yet, but this ended last year. I still view it as cheating on my abusive ex, who I ended up back with 3 times, but I try to keep reminding myself that I wasn't in any state to agree to most of it, and while yes cheating happened once, the rest? Once I quit my bs, I didn't want it anymore and realzing what I had done made me sick. A friend had to tell me that what he did was preditorial. And I still don't know what to believe.
SO! Last year, broke up with abusive ex, went on a date, drank, agreed to mess around, and got physically hurt (bruises from boob to thigh) and almost kidnapped, because his jokes about hurting me weren't actually jokes, so I assumed the kidnapping jokes weren't either. Scary times! I managed to leave the next morning but for a good 12 hours I figured I would have to fight or do something crazy to escape. I still fear that man, who filmed it all without asking me first.
Yeah so that all happened, and a few other things with a "friend" and some victim blaming and still idolizing my ex from "friends" one of which seemed to seek to make me insane, yeah....been strangled and also assualted by another girl, my age (8 at the time) so everyone called it "experimenting".
So thats my life, that's been up until now, and a lying brother, thats a long story too. All this came up while trying to make my bf this book on Complex PTSD, and I guess I do have a question, what is it, when you experience MANY things that could cause Complex PTSD? Is it still just CPTSD? Or am I just some, insane person whos lived through too much?

[Kat]

Unfortunately, no, you're not the only one who's lived through too much trauma.  The "complex" in Complex PTSD is there because of the multiple traumas, the layers of traumas, we've suffered.  It's part of the definition.

I'm truly sorry you've suffered so much.  My hope is that you're working with a therapist to deal with all of this. 

[Three Roses]

You are welcome here! I am saddened to hear what you had to endure.

The "C" in CPTSD can also be thought of as standing for "cumulative", at least that makes it easier for me to remember, and easier to explain too. I look forward to hearing more from you, thanks for joining! 

[sinthia820]

"main distinction being that it distorts a person's core identity, especially when prolonged trauma occurs during childhood developement"

I think that eventually CPTSD will evolve because there are those of us who are traumatized during developement while children, then there are those who are traumatized as adults, or both, repeatedly and every instance is different and yields a different result. You obviously experienced multiple traumas of different categories during development and then again as an adult.

It doesn't matter that psychology hasn't caught up with the truth of it all, while CPTSD is the only vague unofficial name for a very complex thing the truth is that the trauma you lived through (no matter what it's called) is just that trauma! Terrible disgusting horrible excessive trauma on a small innocent fragile little girl with no security or escape.

I hope you know that you are more than your trauma and realize that you deserve the world! Stay strong! Seek strong trustworthy friends and know that you are not alone!!!

[sigiriuk]

Hi sinthia820
Welcome to the forum.
Everyone here has felt the things that you felt and continue to feel.
You have friends.
Slim