Life seems pretty irrelevant

[sigiriuk]

Dear All
Do any of you have that feeling, that life has no meaning after the traumas.
I feel sometimes that i am drifting through life, just biding my time.
I feels like I have seen everything there is to see and feel...horrible experiences...and this is just "treading water". A bit like those street drinkers who just sit on the pavement (sidewalk!) without purpose.

Have been too ashamed to share this up until now, because it is another way of admitting that really terrible things happened.

This has been going on since i was 4...and i thought i was just lazy (i was told so)...or wilful...or having no courage....or not putting in any effort.

On another subject, I need to tell you all how much you guys have helped me. I never expected that people communicating on an internet forum could have healing qualities.

Peace

Slim

[Libby12]

Yes, Slim.  I know exactly what you mean about feeling that life is irrelevant.   I think I have tended to use the word pointless. For several weeks I just can't be bothered to do much at all.  Lack of motivation and total exhaustion,  followed by feelings of guilt and shame at not doing anything useful.

I was particularly interested that you mentioned aged 4 as the start point for these feelings.   I know I have felt like this since I started school and I know that was when I was four.  I had a childhood of being told I just didn't try hard enough to be happy.   

I know that all of my feelings of hopelessness spring from my parents physical and especially emotional abuse and have started to read the Pete Walker book just today.   I am impressed so far so hope I may find help towards giving my life more meaning. I am also going on a trip to Switzerland with my daughter next month,  just to keep her company while she does something connected to her studies.   As I never go on holiday and see most activities as just a way to kill time, this will be a big deal for me.   

There is absolutely no shame in these feelings and yes, it's so good to share with people who truly understand.

Best wishes,

Libby

[sigiriuk]

Thx for your reply Libby.
I feel happy that I am not the only one

I had a childhood of being told I just didn't try hard enough to be happy.   

Thats the exact same feedback that i got from teachers and "family". It really hurt my feelings because i could not muster the energy to get "engaged" with life. I knew something was wrong but i did not know what it was.

I really like the Pete Walker book - but it can be painful and might stop your enjoying the Alpine air.
Enjoy your holiday, I really enjoyed Switzerland.
Slim

[Lingurine]

Slim, your honesty about how you feel is like a breath of fresh air. I too feel like' What's the use' at times and think it's only natural to feel like this. The harder I fight it, the worse it gets. I do think you hit the nail on the head by assuming that trauma's lie underneath. It's okay how you deal with them, it's fluid, changes all the time. Important thing is to validate yourself.

Take care

Lingurine

[woodsgnome]

Many people seem to fake their way through life, convincing themselves of meanings that don't exist. But beneath that, their heartfelt values are pretty shallow, often just following the crowd and living like robots awaiting their next command.

So I find it cool that you recognize this, straight on; and feel free to express that. I've traveled a similar path, at least in terms of chronology--there isn't a period in life when I didn't wonder what was going on,    how any of this had any meaning (other than people were cruel). I'd call it hopelessness except on reflection I know I've been able to reach out and actually contribute in my own way. I'm still pretty fragile but still managed, somehow; to get this far.

Your willingness to share your curiosity is meaningful in its own right. It just goes against the consensus judgement that labels people like us as lazy or hopeless or bad because we've experienced the world differently. And yet we're still able, and willing, to question? Good--it indicates they weren't able to entirely beat it out of us.

[fullofsoundandfury]

Yes.

Totally.

When trauma pushes a person's physiology to the limit, and this trauma can be neglect or emotional abuse or verbal abuse, doesn't have to be big overt violence, the person goes numb and 'dead'. Then life moves on, we go into our fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, we identify as the inner critic, we get distracted, are forced to continue to exist, but those 'dead' moments live on inside us and become the predominant approach to life.

There ISN'T a point to a lot of the things humans involve themselves in.

I have found it sooooo hard to engage in life and the pursuits that drive other people, because all of it seems so hollow and pointless to me.

I think it's echoes of depression, the freeze response, having been stretched too far psychologically and emotionally - we're outsized people. We've seen and been to limits others can't conceive of, often by the time we were 5  . Our container is vaster, our perspective is different.

I think the way we were robbed of normal developmental milestones, we didn't get the chance to form our actual identities and know who we are, what we like, what we want, what we don't want, etc, plays into this.

But being so disengaged from life robs me of a lot.

[Blueberry]

Oh yes, Slim. This is me. Now I find I can't write anything more about it.

[CepheidVox]

Yes, I have this feeling too. It feels like day to day life is just not important. Other people are so wrapped up in their work and relationships and it just feels so trivial. Nothing touches me.

[murfgirl2]

Am new to the forum and finding out about how c-ptsd has hijacked much of my life. The feeling that life is irrelevant,pointless, hopeless is one I deal with most every day. It's just so nice to hear from others that I'm not crazy, lazy, or alone in this. Thank you all who have posted.

[Three Roses]

(Welcome, murfgirl2!)

[ah]

Absolutely. Life feels totally irrelevant. I wake up every morning thinking "Ok, another day. Right. Go through the motions." There's no joy. Thinking of living or of dying, they're kind of equal... if I live today then fine, I'll do what's necessary to the best of my abilities. If I die, well fine. I can't figure out what it's like for people to wish to live as long as they can because they enjoy it. What does "enjoy" feel like?

Plus, sometimes life feels like a penal colony, too.

When it starts at 4 yrs old, or earlier... we never lived without trauma. It breaks my heart, I read what you wrote and felt so crushed you had to feel this way so young. No wonder it stuck.

Also, I agree with woodsgnome. I think there's also a strong, good, realistic way to say "hey, life is totally irrelevant". Because there's no ultimate meaning to it, much of what we do is meaningless. We stop and analyze and realize we're a bit silly. But maybe for people with c-ptsd, just analyzing deeply like that also flashes them back to their trauma, and it becomes tainted by the pain of trauma.

[sanmagic7]

i, too, have the feeling that if i die tomorrow, while it will impact some people profoundly (which is why i won't do anything willingly) it doesn't really matter.  i'm not familiar with the emotion of hope, but somewhere in my optimistic being i always had faith that whatever comes along i would deal with it.

life, living, feels so difficult, especially with all these new realizations coming at me bang bang bang that i just don't know how many more times i have it in me to get up once again and keep going.  i've experienced depression - this doesn't feel the same.  this is more neutral, more of a 'so what?' kind of feeling.  it's gray rather than black.

but, i'm here today one more time.  i guess there's a reason for it, and i'll keep going until i get pushed out.  that's basically how it's been with any of my relationships, so why not with my relationship with life.  same-o, same-o.  and, forward.

[Blueberry]

but, i'm here today one more time.  i guess there's a reason for it, and i'll keep going until i get pushed out.  that's basically how it's been with any of my relationships, so why not with my relationship with life.  same-o, same-o.  and, forward.

You go, san!

BTW reading The Body Keeps the Score helped me see that the "life seems pretty irrelevant" theme is part of C-PTSD. Just knowing that helps me, maybe it'll help somebody else on here.

[sanmagic7]

you brought a smile to my heart, blueberry.  thanks.