At the edge

[Deb]

Hi all, I rang the psychologists office today, sobbing. Talked to the receptionist. She wasnt mean but she hung up on me. I cant survive the betrayal and abandonment of my psychologist. She said we had a special relationship, that no matter what happened we'd be ok, that she always be here for me.  She gave me that love and support ive craved whole life and never got from my mum. Then she ripped it away and blamed me for feeling angry and hurt. I am having thoughts of ending my life. I dont know if Im breaking a rule by talking about that. Im sorry of thats the case. I have no one. She was my lifeline, my anchor. I'm alone. I dont want to be here anymore.

[Candid]

We strongly encourage members only to talk about SI/SH in a general sense, as no-one here is trained to deal with any real intent to kill or harm oneself.  Rather than post here if you do have any real desire/intent to self-harm or commit suicide, first and foremost please reach out for professional help in real life. Contact your physician or therapist, a local Emergency Room, and/or the following organizations:

Befrienders Worldwide provides emotional support worldwide to prevent suicide - http://www.befrienders.org
The International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world - http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Your Life Counts - provides a comprehensive list of crisis hot lines and organizations around the world - http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines
Cutting and Self-Harm: Self-Injury Help, Support and Treatment - http://www.aaets.org/article206.htm
Safe Haven - https://gabrielle.self-injury.net/  This is an online community with an extensive FAQ section about self-injury and a detailed series of pages about recovery from self-injury. There is also a large list of resources for those who self-injure.

[Lingurine]

Hi Deb, I'm sorry you feel this way, it seems to me you maybe can look for another T? Someone who doesn't trigger you this much. I also want to encourage you to seek help in real life also and call the suicide hotlines http://befrienders.org or go to the nearest hospital because it to me sounds like you are in real distress. I hope they can help you with this, it's just so awful how you feel, I wish we could do more for you. Let us know how that went. We are here to listen.

Take care

Lingurine

[Deb]

Candid, thanks for the links. I don't self harm.

[sanmagic7]

deb, my heart is with you.  i hope you will reach out to some emergency hotline and get help.  it's horrible that you are in this much distress.  we value you and your voice here, and don't want to lose you.  you've undergone a terrible loss and betrayal.   please get help for this.  it's completely understandable that it can be too much for one person to bear alone.  wishing you the best, and a big caring hug for you.

[Dee]

Deb,

I have called a hotline before and I once went to the hospital.  I wasn't even admitted, just helped me make a plan.  However, being admitted is NOT a bad thing.  This would be for your benefit.  Sometimes we get to a place we need to reach out to a professional.  I am still here today because I have done that.  While things can be difficult at times, most of the time it is better.

[Kat]

Deb, please hang in there and be very kind to yourself.  You've suffered a monumental loss and mind * to boot.  It was not your fault.  Please don't turn that anger toward yourself.  It was not your fault.  You did nothing wrong.  I can only imagine how distressing and unbearable this all feels.  It feels impossible, but you can make it through.  You are a precious being and we need you here.

[Deb]

Got an appt with psychiatrist, 4hrs drive away on Thursday. There aren't any available good ones where I live, its REALLY hard to find one here. A lot of people go interstate. I like her but she says she can't manage my ongoing care. How can I trust another psychologist after this one ripped my heart out? I am in so much pain inside, but I'm distancing/cutting myself off from it because its overwhelming me and I don't feel I have any anchoring, safe support. Its horrible. I'm wasting my life! Feel a rush to get on with healing and living a life cos this is sucking it out of me and taking my time away from me. So I'll drive up there on Wednesday....got a different Dr's appt for a neck injury, stay overnight then see the psych on thursday then drive home. Had trouble finding someone to look after my boy Sam (loving cat) but may have found a lady to come and feed him at least.
This psych offered me a stay in her hospital and I tried it once before but discharged myself. They left me alone, no program, no showing me around, for the first 5 days! it was so lonely and scary. The food was awful and they put me straignt into a share room, the only privacy is behind a threadbare pull curtain. I tdidn't feel safe or private. Two others girls were in the room and new each other really well and both snored. I gently woke one of them up one night cos her snoring was so loud I couldn't sleep and she swore repeatedly at me. I didn't feel safe after that. Then a third woman came in and it was a nightmare. So I don't want to go back into the hospital but I want to keep this psychiatrist. She's the only person I have right now.......no family or close friends. I don't feel any hope that I'll ever be given the love I need to heal. Everytime I've almost had it I am rejected.

[Candid]

Deb, I've removed a sentence from your post. Please have a look at our Member Guidelines, http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0

I understand you're feeling lonely and misunderstood, and have been feeling this way for far too long. We are a caring community here and many of us have felt just the way you do now, myself included. I'm sure you don't want to worry the people who've replied to your posts, none of whom can offer any practical support. We exchange emotional and validating care here, especially for those who don't have it IRL, and it makes a world of difference.

Do you feel ready to tell us how your CPTSD started? If so, you can start a new thread here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=10.0

I'd like to hear how you fill your days when you're not online. Do you work or study outside your home? Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Are you taking care of yourself re. regular exercise and what you eat?

Hang on, Deb.  We really do understand here.