I'm afraid it is going to be suggested I leave

[Dee]

My therapist said she knows that I am scared to go to my appointments and she wants to talk to me about that.  I feel that she is going to suggest that I go outside of the clinic for therapy.  If she does, she would have a point.  The way it is isn't good, I know that.  Everything got worse with the restraining order because he keeps violating it and it makes me more scared.  If he can't respect the judge, I can't expect him to respect me.  I don't think they can ask him to leave (legally).  I can feel it coming.  I like my providers.  It took me a year to trust her and I don't want to start over.  I don't feel emotionally I'm in a place to either.  None of this is fair.  I wish I never let her encourage me to file a report and get the restraining order.

I put my dad in prison and lost my family.  I and two other women, reported a male supervisors and there was retribution from our peers (all men).  It was * for a year.  I get a restraining order against a stalker and I think he is going to win.  It won't matter that I won in a court of law, it never does.

I hate this.  I know how this plays out.  It's me alone.

I see her again on Monday.  I think I will call and request an appointment.  I know I am catastrophizing, but when I do it circumstances as this I am not usually wrong.  I just don't feel I can survive this one.  Layers of trauma doesn't make you stronger, they make you sicker.   

[radical]

Can you email your T using most of what you have put in this post?

It makes perfect sense for you to feel afraid of being thrown out of the clinic, with what you have experienced in the past.  Also I know how, for me, being triggered by something so traumatic would make the current ordeal, with the feeling of threat of being blamed and ostracised  so much more frightening and painful.

I know that a specialist in trauma would understand, and know that you need reassurance now and to have this awful weight off your shoulders now.

I expect that veteran's services have some pretty heavy bias towards men, but there is a principle of fiduciary duty in law, a duty to keep you safe.  There is a greater onus of responsibility to protect a victim of crime from a proven perpetrator in any medical setting, than to protect the interests of the stalker, however sympathetic he is to the staff.  I'm pretty sure they would be aware that in law, they would be in breach of their duty to you if they prioritised his interests over yours.  If it is possible to be treated in another setting, I believe that the stalker will have been made aware that he is on his final warning.  The clinic wouldn't have a leg to stand on, if you chose to sue because they breached their duty to you.

We live in different jurisdictions, but our legal systems are both based on the British system.  I have sued the system in my country.  I can't give you a guarantee, but I feel very confident that you have the law as well as "right" on your side.  You are also a veteran, and there are also laws about sexual discrimination in both countries.  Here is a link about the illegality of both sexual discrimation and of any kind of sexual harassment:
https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/sex.cfm

This is a civil rights issue.

I hope you are asleep right now and that you get the reassurance you need tomorrow.

[Dee]

I am so glad that you understand my concern and don't think I'm being too dramatic.  I am worried about being blamed for calling the police or overreacting.  I am also concerned that he seems to have a group of male vets, as demonstrated by the number he brought to court with him, that support him.  I am worried about them blaming me.  Because they were witnesses (not helpful to him) they could not stay and hear the evidence.  He got caught in lie after lie after lie, but they didn't hear that.  I don't think anything will happen from them, just maybe comments or dirty looks.  He is going around telling everyone there how I have wronged him.

I do not feel the clinic favors him, or are empathetic (except maybe his therapist, maybe).  If anything I feel that they might think this has demonstrated his need even more.  Also, I don't feel bias from anyone there except for other veterans. There are very few women on campus who are not employees.  I do feel that the clinic in their concern for me might feel I would be better served elsewhere, in an environment I am not afraid of.  I know they are even rewriting some of their policies based on this to limit veterans staying on campus when they do not have a reason to be there.

So I am afraid of being cast aside for my own benefit.  It is just so upsetting.  This is they way it works always.  Somehow the victim continues to have fallout while the perpetrator spreads lies and makes life unbearable. 

[Three Roses]

I can totally see how all the past incidents and their surrounding "fallout" would make me more than a little paranoid if I were in your position.

I was so angry about this I couldn't post yesterday. How someone can make life unbearable for others is beyond me! I hope this time you get the proper concern and consideration. Maybe you'll even experience some healing, that you can speak up for your rights and not be ostracized for it.

As Candid said, I really do believe this is a human rights issue.

[sanmagic7]

having to see you suffer like this is heartbreaking, dee.  i'm with everyone else on this. 

i'm assuming this is a clinic for vets, which is the reason you're there in the first place.  do you want to go somewhere else in order to feel safer?  you do have some say in this.  will it make you feel safer if you get therapeutic needs met at a different place? 

i understand you wanting to stay and fight this.  i'm just concerned about if this is your best tactic in this situation.   your courage under fire here has been remarkable.  i don't think i would've stayed.  but, that's my m.o. all too often - i leave the stressful situation.  it's not about who wins or loses - it's about what's best for you.

all support and best wishes to you no matter what you decide.  you have been an inspiration, you know.    love and a big hug.

[Dee]

I have other insurance and I can go outside.  I even think under the circumstances the VA would pay.  I would feel much safer doing that.  However, not only does he win, but I would lose my therapist.  I think you are right, staying may not be the best tactic for me.  I know that, this is why I think my therapist is going to offer or recommend going to another place.  I do sit there and shake every time I go.  But losing my therapist would be huge for me.  She is often the only tangible support that I have.  I am concerned I would become suicidal without feeling like I have that support.  It would have to be done very carefully.

It is always like this, always.  The victim can never win.

[Lingurine]

Dee, I'm so sorry you are going through this. This particular sentence alarms me:

I am concerned I would become suicidal without feeling like I have that support. 

Is it an idea to talk about your concerns with your T? We are here for you too. Maybe you can start a thread about this in the section Suicide Ideation to talk further about this?



Lingurine

[Andyman73]

Dee,

As a man and Veteran, I find this quite appalling. You, as the victim and target of his stalking, should be protected no question asked.

I also agree with you as to the probable outcome. We see it played out every single day. Restraining orders literally have no teeth until after it's too late.  I really dislike the fact that the legal system is so spineless and unwilling to help victims stay safe from their attacjers. Especially one that served their country.

Is there anyone in the legal system that you could talk to, to let them know he is still doing this? If it's happening on VA property, if you're in the States, he would face Federal criminal charges.  Also since he is also a Vet, he could possible face action from the VA for doing what he is doing to you.

I know how much you need this T, so I do hesitate to ask/say is it worth your life? Stalkers never stop until they are in prison, and even that doesn't always work.  Only one thing truly stops them, and I really really don't want that for you. You deserve to live and have as full a life as you possibly can. And from where I sit, he deserves life without possibility of parole.

I do wish I had some solid answers for you. I truly hope you win!!! And he loses and goes away. You absolutely deserve to live free from fear of him.

Sitting with you in support and solidarity. 💐

[Candid]

I hate it that bullies win. 

I'm so sorry, Dee. 

[Dee]

So far it has been okay.  I was also gone for a week.  I feel like since we went to court he is respecting the restraining order and I have not seen him.  I have started to relax some and my therapist has not asked or suggested that I leave.

However, I have an appointment Tuesday.  In the past Tuesday has been an issue.  I had no other choice, it was the only appointment available (not with my therapist).  So we will see what happens.  It is not in the same building that he would be in, but last time I went there he was sitting outside the door of the building in his car.  He had no business being there.  I did call the police and he was cited and has to go to court because of it at the end of the month.

[sanmagic7]

best to you on tues, dee.  hopefully, he will continue to keep his distance and you can continue with your appts. unbothered.   if you do see him, tho, i hope you lock your car and call the cops, wait inside till they come and cart him away - again.  hopefully, if that happens, he'll get tired of being arrested and let you alone.

plus, he'll know that even with time, you are not going to be a victim again.  that's what these predators want - easy victims.  hang tough, dear dee.   we're with you in spirit, altho wish we could be there for real.  big hug, sweetie.   

[Blueberry]

I hate it that bullies win. 

I'm so sorry, Dee. 

Me too.

[Blueberry]

best to you on tues, dee.  hopefully, he will continue to keep his distance and you can continue with your appts. unbothered.   if you do see him, tho, i hope you lock your car and call the cops, wait inside till they come and cart him away - again.  hopefully, if that happens, he'll get tired of being arrested and let you alone.

plus, he'll know that even with time, you are not going to be a victim again.  that's what these predators want - easy victims.  hang tough, dear dee.   we're with you in spirit, altho wish we could be there for real.  big hug, sweetie.

and the strength of us at the forum to go with you, Dee. 

[Andyman73]

Dee,
Not sure if you've gone, or not. But this Marine is more than happy to go with you. Pocket ride or whatever you need or want.  Sitting with you, and sending you all my Marine courage! 😊💐

[Dee]

I went, no issues.  I really feel like the restraining order is being respected.

I'll be a little nervous after he goes to court at the end of the month.  I don't think it will go well for him and it may cause anger. For now, I'm good.