Insight Needed

[kezkel101]

So, tomorrow is my first therapy session after a 8 day therapy break. This is the longest break we have had in 15 months. I normally see her twice a week. I was expecting the break to be *. With my old therapist, I struggled when I didn't see him even if it was just when he was on a training course or something. I saw him within a school environment so even when I didn't see my therapist I had lots of other support. Now however I have no support other than my therapist so I was really expecting to struggle.
The truth is I haven't. I haven't thought about her, I haven't missed her and I haven't really noticed the distance. She told me that I could text her as much as I wanted/needed to yet I haven't texted her at all. I haven't needed to.
I'm trying to figure out why I haven't struggled more. I'm hoping that it's because I'm in a good place in therapy and trust her so know she is coming back. If I'm honest though I think it might be because I'm not as attached to her as I was to my old therapist. I like her we work well together but there isn't the intensity I'm used to.  I'd love to know what other people think.
If it is because I'm just not that attached is there any point in me still going to therapy. Can therapy work with out the attachment - without the intensity? If not is there any way I can make it form?
Any insights or opinions or personal experiences would be welcome. 

[Elphanigh]

Hi there, I do have personal experience to offer if it helps. I have found that I am attached to my T but nothing like it sounds like you are used to. I find that it is very worth going still. It is a great therapeutic relationship, and I think it probably depends on the dynamic in session more than that of outside the session. I know I can text mine like you know of yours  but it is okay not to need to I think.

[radical]

I don't believe there needs to be the sort of 'transference' which means you feel bereft if you don't see your therapist.  I'd be interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.  If I have some sort of psychological crisis I might feel a need for support, but if not, I'm getting on with my life. 

The word 'intensity' worries me.  I'm not sure I see it as a good thing in any relationship because I tend to experience intensity in relationships which are most unhealthy for me.  This may be different for other people.  Intensity, for me, is about an insecure attachment. 

Do you feel safe, believed-in, cared-for and free to be who you really are with your T?  You say you feel you are making good progress and that you hope your lack of anxiety is about being in a good place.  You haven't mentioned anything to the contrary.  Is there any reason you feel uneasy about not feeling uneasy?

We can't recreate the relationship we didn't have with our caregivers as children, with therapists, once we are adults.  I think we can be the child parts of ourselves at times, but I feel that therapy relationships that have an adult to child dynamic to the exclusion of healthy adult-adult trust and respect, can be extremely dangerous, and foster unhealthy dependence.  Hero worship is an ego boost to the therapist.  I don't feel it is beneficial for the client.

The most troubling thing for me is the association between intensity and attachment.  From my own experience, it seems that securely attached children feel safe to explore the world, it is insecurely attached children that are preoccupied with the parent and feel the need to constantly seek reassurance.

I'm not sure I should press 'send'.  Obviously this is just my take on things, and I'd be interested in others' thoughts

[Lingurine]

Hi kezkel101 and welcome to OOTS! These are some valid questions you ask. I'm with radical, too much dependence might be risky for those suffering from CPTSD. I think especially when developed in childhood, the insecure suture with caregivers makes us vulnerable for those who take advantage of others. I don't know if that's the case in your situation though. I do think it's good to distance yourself from any therapist, because of the risk of codependency. Last year I took a vacation of six months from my T because I wanted a break. If your T is any good, you can discuss those things with her. Transference is almost always something to be aware of in therapy IMO.

Just thinking.

Lingurine

[kezkel101]

Hi there, I do have personal experience to offer if it helps. I have found that I am attached to my T but nothing like it sounds like you are used to. I find that it is very worth going still. It is a great therapeutic relationship, and I think it probably depends on the dynamic in session more than that of outside the session. I know I can text mine like you know of yours  but it is okay not to need to I think.

Thanks that's really helpful. I suppose the dynamic in is more important then out. In session I feel that I like her and that she gets me. I suppose I am just used to intensity but maybe my relationship with my last t was unusual not normal.

[kezkel101]

I don't believe there needs to be the sort of 'transference' which means you feel bereft if you don't see your therapist.  I'd be interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.  If I have some sort of psychological crisis I might feel a need for support, but if not, I'm getting on with my life. 

The word 'intensity' worries me.  I'm not sure I see it as a good thing in any relationship because I tend to experience intensity in relationships which are most unhealthy for me.  This may be different for other people.  Intensity, for me, is about an insecure attachment. 

Do you feel safe, believed-in, cared-for and free to be who you really are with your T?  You say you feel you are making good progress and that you hope your lack of anxiety is about being in a good place.  You haven't mentioned anything to the contrary.  Is there any reason you feel uneasy about not feeling uneasy?

We can't recreate the relationship we didn't have with our caregivers as children, with therapists, once we are adults.  I think we can be the child parts of ourselves at times, but I feel that therapy relationships that have an adult to child dynamic to the exclusion of healthy adult-adult trust and respect, can be extremely dangerous, and foster unhealthy dependence.  Hero worship is an ego boost to the therapist.  I don't feel it is beneficial for the client.

The most troubling thing for me is the association between intensity and attachment.  From my own experience, it seems that securely attached children feel safe to explore the world, it is insecurely attached children that are preoccupied with the parent and feel the need to constantly seek reassurance.

I'm not sure I should press 'send'.  Obviously this is just my take on things, and I'd be interested in others' thoughts

I'm pleased you did press send its a really interesting take on things.
I think your right I do associate attachment with intensity. I grew up in care and had abusive foster placement after abusive placement and so before my last t had never been attached to any one. I think that along with the fact he was based in my boarding school so I was seeing him every day made it intense. It was a new experience for me so I was learning how healthy relationships work and how to trust. It took me a long time with him to learn that he would always come back and just because we had an argument didn't mean he would leave. I was definitely relating in a child to adult way.  I suppose now I am passed that with my new T it is a much more grown up relationship.
I think I feel uneasy with my current T as I really dot feel able to be as open as I was with my last T. I also don't feel s understood. With my old t I felt like he really understood why I did what I did and could then help me to understand. In time this meant I was able to understand why I did what I did. With my current T I feel like she isn't as Intune so I have to explain every little thing and she often misses small signs that I'm struggling that I don't notice till after but I feel she should have noticed at the time.

[kezkel101]

Hi kezkel101 and welcome to OOTS! These are some valid questions you ask. I'm with radical, too much dependence might be risky for those suffering from CPTSD. I think especially when developed in childhood, the insecure suture with caregivers makes us vulnerable for those who take advantage of others. I don't know if that's the case in your situation though. I do think it's good to distance yourself from any therapist, because of the risk of codependency. Last year I took a vacation of six months from my T because I wanted a break. If your T is any good, you can discuss those things with her. Transference is almost always something to be aware of in therapy IMO.

Just thinking.

Lingurine

Thanks for your insight. I definitely think you right that too much dependency would be bad. I don't really know if I was depended on my old T that is definitely something I need to go away and reflect on. I have suggested taking a break a few times to my current T but she has always said that she strongly felt it was a bad idea. which is why this week is our first break of over 5 days she normally sees me during her breaks. She said that she doesn't feel our relationship is ready for that or that I could cope on my own yet or cope with sessions after the break but has never said why. This is very different to my old t as we had regular breaks due to school holidays.

[Lingurine]

I have suggested taking a break a few times to my current T but she has always said that she strongly felt it was a bad idea. She said that she doesn't feel our relationship is ready for that or that I could cope on my own yet or cope with sessions after the break but has never said why. This is very different to my old t as we had regular breaks due to school holidays.

This is slightly worrying to me. Question rises why you wanted a break and why she felt to say it's a bad idea. To me, a good therapist would give you room to explore how strong you are without therapy. Is this something you want to do?
Talking here about these things and exchanging thoughts about it is a good independent step I think.



Lingurine

[kezkel101]

I have suggested taking a break a few times to my current T but she has always said that she strongly felt it was a bad idea. She said that she doesn't feel our relationship is ready for that or that I could cope on my own yet or cope with sessions after the break but has never said why. This is very different to my old t as we had regular breaks due to school holidays.

This is slightly worrying to me. Question rises why you wanted a break and why she felt to say it's a bad idea. To me, a good therapist would give you room to explore how strong you are without therapy. Is this something you want to do?
Talking here about these things and exchanging thoughts about it is a good independent step I think.



Lingurine

I have to say when she said no I was a bit concerned as well. I think I need to ask her about this again and get a better understanding as to why she said no.  She is an expert in CPTSD within the NHS so I think I sometimes just go along with her rather then challenge/question. There are a few other things she has said that concern me for example she said that within the NHS she sees people for between 6-12 months once a week. yet we have been working together for a year and she thinks that we have at least another two years work left.
I'm really finding this site so useful to hear what other people think as in my real life no one even knows I was in care or am in therapy so I have no one to talk to.

[Lingurine]

It is useful to talk here, I find that too, just feel less isolated in this, more human. It sounds like you can trust your instincts and have that talk with her. Let us know how that went, going to sleep now, time difference...

Lingurine

[radical]

Welcome to OOTS, Kezkel,

I've been less involved lately and didn't realise you were new.  It's good to have you aboard.

I also find it worrying that your therapist didn't talk with you about her belief that you shouldn't take a break.  I feel strongly that therapy needs to be transparent and collaborative.  it is not something that a therapist should behave as though he or she is doing to you, imo.  Also, you are still in the dark about the time boundaries of your therapy.  No wonder you feel uneasy.

You also say you don't feel your T is in tune with you.  I feel this, along with the above is worrying.  It could feel, without explicit time frames and understanding between you, that your ability to access help was dependent on "going along" with your T.  I don't feel that being the passive recipient "going along" with a therapist is ever a good thing in therapy.  You are not there to please her, and exercising dysfunctional relationship behaviours within a therapy relationship (appeasing, subjugation etc.) and being rewarded for doing so is the definition of unhealthy in my book.

I hope you are able to discuss your not feeling understood with your therapist, without her becoming defensive, but by working with you to heal breaches in attunement and other misunderstandings.  Hopefully, being more open and clear will improve your relationship.  My next response comes with a warning. I feel strongly about this because this hits a few buttons of my own.  There is a danger I'm misreading your situation because of parallels with something that happened to me.

If your therapist is in any way hostile to reasonably stated feedback, if she refuses to discuss it, evades the issues you raise, becomes defensive, angry, says things that lead you to have less confidence in your perceptions, patronises or stonewalls you, start  finding out how you can go about finding another therapist.  Your concerns are the concerns.  If she can't deal, leave - sooner rather than later.

I hope you can work things out and if your therapist is competent it is most likely you will be able to.

I'm sad to hear about the trauma you experienced growing up.  It must have been so hard for you. There are no words.  I'm so impressed by your maturity and insight.  It's really good to have you here.