Good Things Journal = Positive Reinforcement

[samantha19]

TW: reflecting on childhood abuse


I started a good things journal again last night which is helping me by giving myself positive reinforcement when I do something good. This could be putting on a washing or doing some studying, positively talking to myself or asserting my needs to another.
I think this has helped me already as I am being more proactive in doing things, knowing the good feeling of being able to write it down at the end of the day.
I don't know that I received much positive reinforcement as a child and I think that may be why I struggle so much with seemingly simple tasks.
I recieved a lot of negative enforcement - for example if I didn't tidy my room after being asked I might be physically, verbally and emotionally abused.
The reason I think there was a deficit of positive reinforcement is I was criticised even for doing good things and my positive traits were completely slaughtered at times.
For example, I got called thick a lot even though I was really quite an intelligent child. I also remember being wary of parents night, knowing I would get a good report and this could trigger abuse, and having this confirmed when my dad erupted later that night and told me off essentially for pretending to be a nice, good, quiet girl at school when I'm a total brat at home / inside. He made out like I was hiding my true self from them. Something said in anger, but inexcusable.
I also did not have much support over doing homework or being on time for anything, so I was never led into these skills of taking care of myself, at least not in a positive way.
I was late to school virtually every day for years as my dad would drive me. There was a lot of neglect around those things, so I can see that not only was I not positively regarded for achieving things, but I was actively brought up to be a dysfunctional member of society.
Unsurprisingly, these patterns continued. I struggle with time keeping and organising myself a great deal.
But the positive reinforcement is helping and it seems to be quieting my inner critic - because I know I am doing my best, and I am achieving things no matter how small. My pride is going up.
I imagine some kind of positive reinforcement is important in childhood, so I see why this is helping. It's a shame that it took me so long to get it, but here I am. Better late than never...