Confused about misplaced blame *TW*

[texannurse]

Good afternoon! I saw my T last night and we discussed a few sexual assaults that happened when I was 16-19. I have always blamed myself for what happened .... I led them on .... I wanted it .... I'm a bad person, so I deserved it.

What she told me was that I was NOT at fault, that no one has the right to hurt another person. 2 of the incident were at the hands of men 20+ years older than me - one I felt attracted to and had dated. The other was the husband of a friend. She said they essentially groomed me for abuse. Why can't I believe her? I don't want to believe it was their fault - and I don't know why.

Then we talked about the original abuse when I was 9. No matter how many times she or anyone else tells me, I believe it's my fault. If I had just said no when he asked if I wanted to continue... I don't know why I think the way I do and I'm confused. I would think being told "it's not your fault" would help - but it never does. It just leaves me confused.

Texannurse

[Three Roses]

Sometimes, when I'm not sure about a situation, I put someone else in my place, so that i can see it more objectively. Put an imaginary 9 year old in your place, at that time; do you see it differently?

I found this online -

It's my fault because I didn't fight hard enough.

Children do not have the physical strength or the mental resources of adults, and in this respect they would usually be outmatched by their abuser.

Children who are abused are being confronted with a situation that they don't have the adult capacity to understand – and it can be impossible to get yourself out of the situation you're in. Many abusers are dangerous and could pose a real physical threat to a child's survival. Often there will be other threats hanging over the child's head if they don't do as they are told - and so they may feel totally unable to fight on any level.

Children do what they can to survive an attack and submission is not desire, it is survival.


It's my fault because I didn't say NO!

Many child survivors feel that they are partly to blame for the abuse because they didn't say "NO" when it happened. There are so many reasons why you might not have said no:

You were confused about what was happening.
You didn't know you were allowed to say no.
You didn't want to say no.
You were too frightened to say no.

Children cannot consent to a sexual relationship because they are below the age of consent. It is not the responsibility of a child to say "no" to sex.

When I look at my own abuse in this light, I can see very clearly that it wasn't my fault. It's still hard to feel it's not my fault, tho.

You're not alone in this- hope this is helpful info.

[texannurse]

3 Roses - I can see it's not the 9 year old's fault - if I try really hard - but he asked me if I wanted to continue and I said yes. It's hard to get around that truth in my heart. I can believe it for a few minutes, but it keeps slipping away.
I definitely can't see it in the situations when I was older.

Texannurse

[Dee]

TW - entire post

I go around and around with this.  I have yet to tell my therapist some things because I am too ashamed.  I know, logically, I was a child.  I just can't connect my head to my heart.  I feel like I am different from others, that I am evil, and if people knew everything they would agree.  I blame myself for things as young as six.  I looked at a picture of me at the age of 11 so I could try to find compassion for myself.  All I thought was "slut."  I saw an 11 year old wearing make-up, styled hair, acting grown beyond her years.  I was told "you wanted it as much as I did."  I believed that.  It must have been true, right?  I also liked the special gifts and treatment.  There are things I am not admitting here too.

You were brave to even say that he asked if you want to continue.  I know, that had to be so difficult to admit.  I still don't think that makes it your fault.  So what if you did, how on earth could you have understood what was happening?  Not blaming yourself is easier said than done, I know.

Additionally, I have also been told I was groomed for abuse.  I was also assaulted as an adult, and again blame myself.  Maybe being confused leaves room for doubt?  Maybe there is a part of you can doubt the belief that it was your fault.  I hope so.

[Three Roses]

It is an absolute truth that at 6, 9, 11, even into the 'teens, we are incapable, I'll say that again, incapable, not able, it's impossible that we could make adult decisions like this and be responsible for the outcome.

Until you are an adult, you can't make adult decisions. Some adults can't make responsible decisions and adequately predict the outcome! It doesn't matter if you were asked and said "No, I don't want to stop," none of that matters.

At 9, you can't drive a car. At 9, you can't get married. You can't vote. You can't own a house. You can't do so many things, not because you're not bright, but because you do not have the capacity to make these decisions.

Our sexuality is unquestionable. We are sexual beings from an early age. But it is the adults around us who are responsible for protecting us. Not to be our friends, not to use us for their own gratification.

We were not protected. It was even wrong of that person to ask you that question!

You are not responsible for the decisions you made as a child.

(In case it's not obvious I'm talking to myself here as much as anyone else.)

[sanmagic7]

i think blaming ourselves is easier than blaming a predator (predator is not only the correct word but the correct concept here) because it is a core belief that has been instilled in us, that we are 'bad', 'wrong', 'fundamentally flawed', 'evil', 'coercive' - take your pick or notice your own. 

core beliefs are just that - beliefs about ourselves that are at the core of our very being.  when those beliefs have been implanted from a very early age, we not only believe they are true, but we embrace them as our truths.  we were given those beliefs by the very people who supposedly loved us, and we were also taught never to go against those people.  hence, we are never to go against what they taught us about ourselves.

just think for a minute, how it would feel, what would you and your life be like, if those core beliefs were intrinsically false.  it would turn your world upside down.  that is a frightening prospect, to turn your world upside down.  who would you be then?  how would you think about what happened?  how would you think about yourself?  how in the world would you live?

i've dealt with my own core beliefs here and at other times, have dealt with them with clients as well.  they are the most difficult to move, shift, reverse, or eliminate because they have made up the essence of us for so long.  i can sincerely tell you all that questioning them is a start, a very courageous beginning to knowing that you are not who you thought you were.  you are not who they taught you to believe you are.  they were wrong.

my heart goes out to each and every one of you struggling with this.  slowly, as you continue to question the validity of these false truths, you will find your true core, your true essence.  each of us as babies, were innocent.  someone other than ourselves taught that innocence away, replaced our true knowledge of ourselves with something that was easier to manipulate in the most horrendous situations.   if we believe we're bad, we'll do things to support that belief.  however, that belief did not originally come from us.

when we believe we are beings of love and goodness, we act that way, not only to others, but to ourselves.  we believed that of ourselves as babies.  we practiced self-care as best we knew how by crying to let the world know we needed something in order to continue surviving.  when those signs of self-care were ignored, put down, denigrated, when we were punished or threatened or startled by being yelled at we began to believe that self-care was not for us. 

and we began doing whatever it was, however we needed to do it, thru consent (implied or outright) in order to stop any signs of self-care, because we began believing it was wrong for us to want that, let alone do anything in that direction.  we were carefully trained to believe the worst of ourselves so that we would be more pliable to the wants of others.

i applaud everyone who is taking a look at these core beliefs, challenging them, working to find a way out and through them.  i am with you every step of the way.  love and hugs, caring and empathy and compassion to all of us.  this is the hardest work we will ever do.   it's why i cry at kindnesses - i don't believe i'm worth that energy and effort.  that is one of my core beliefs.  and it just came to me now as i've been writing.  i am truly with you.

[texannurse]

Everyone, thank you! It is helpful beyond words to know that I am not alone in this struggle. It's so hard, I so often want to quit facing it - but now the deep wells of pain have begun to surface, I can't shove them down anymore  - but I'm scared to do it. I'm afraid of who I'll be without these false beliefs. They are all I have known.

Sanmajic7:
Your words below speak directly to the core of what i believe and feel. Thank you!


i think blaming ourselves is easier than blaming a predator (predator is not only the correct word but the correct concept here) because it is a core belief that has been instilled in us, that we are 'bad', 'wrong', 'fundamentally flawed', 'evil', 'coercive' - take your pick or notice your own. 

just think for a minute, how it would feel, what would you and your life be like, if those core beliefs were intrinsically false.  it would turn your world upside down.  that is a frightening prospect, to turn your world upside down.  who would you be then?  how would you think about what happened?  how would you think about yourself?  how in the world would you live?

i can sincerely tell you all that questioning them is a start, a very courageous beginning to knowing that you are not who you thought you were.  you are not who they taught you to believe you are.  they were wrong.

we practiced self-care as best we knew how by crying to let the world know we needed something in order to continue surviving.  when those signs of self-care were ignored, put down, denigrated, when we were punished or threatened or startled by being yelled at we began to believe that self-care was not for us.

[sanmagic7]

you're absolutely on the money, texan.  you don't know who you are without them, cuz you were never given the chance to explore and be comfortable with the real you.  that's why this work needs small steps, just a little bit of realization, of knowing, of exploring at a time in order to get used to what you discover.

in a way, it's like learning how to drive stick shift.  it's not something that you can accomplish at one sitting.  to become comfortable with it takes training, teaching, support, mistakes, fear, hesitation, learning where each hand goes, each foot goes, and it takes practice. 

we're going to pop the clutch too fast and kill the engine sometimes.  we're going to roll backward down a hill trying to get our feet in the proper places to move forward, especially in the beginning.  we're going to be frustrated.  we're going to get angry, confused, and exhausted. 

but, if we really want to drive stick, our strength and determination will shine thru, and we will accomplish our goal.  it's the same with changing core beliefs.  to learn who we really are takes all the same components as learning anything else.  driving stick is an unknown in the beginning, it can feel daunting, maybe even impossible, but it becomes more comfortable and automatic as we continue practicing. 

you will get there, texan.  slowly but surely, one step at a time.  the fact that you are questioning is a sign of progress.  of course you don't know yet, but you will, in your own time and space.  i have no doubt.     

[texannurse]

sanmajic, 
Thanks so much! I'm trying to stay hopeful and not buried by the weight of what is going on in my heart - one day at a time.
Texannurse

[Candid]

I don't want to believe it was their fault - and I don't know why.

There's a adaptive side to blaming ourselves for any kind of abuse: If something I said or did caused that to happen to me, I can prevent it happening again. After I was raped at 19 I went over and over every detail of that night, what I was wearing, where I went, who I spoke to etc. If I'd ever found what 'made' that man attack me, I sure wouldn't have done that again. Thanks to my mother's malicious response, I had seven years of these ruminations before a boyfriend took me to a rape counsellor.

This is a normal reaction of the mind after any incident of abuse. It's a misguided attempt to have some kind of power and control -- and it plays havoc with self-esteem.

Three Roses, I love your suggestion of considering another x-year-old in the situations we've been in. You wrote it on a thread of mine and it was such a lightbulb for me. Those of us abused as children look back as adults and see the things we 'should' or 'shouldn't' have said and done, and that gives us another reason to despise ourselves. It can be hard to keep in mind that we didn't have adult knowledge and experience at the time, that we were innocent and undefended.

The foundation of CPTSD is that a lot of what was said and done to us was and remains unacceptable. Our minds keep trying to extract some kind of lesson from trauma, and sadly, there isn't one.