Shamed into frigidity

[clarity]

I write this with some guilt because it is a subject that others have suffered so much more terribly over... and mine was lesser and different... but it is a block that I have had zero success with shifting so far and wonder if anyone else can relate...

Am in a long term relationship with a very supportive and patient partner, who puts up with my total lack of sexual desire.  This stems from the years of being shamed and screamed at by my narc mother and father from the age of 10 years old, when I innocently expressed anything sexual.  Their total disgust and contempt for me over this burned so deep I wonder if I will ever be able to recover my natural desires at all. 

As a teenager I rebelled and became typically promiscuous... full of self loathing but doing it anyway, for the small comfort of contact and approval.  This brought disgust from the rest of my FOO, and was also a source of mockery for them.   I then had a relationship with an idiot who was addicted to porn and shamed my body, motivating me to try and behave and look like a porn model. Uggh.

As I began to confront my wounds several decades later, I realised that this was how I had 'used' sex and something inside switched off.  The rage I feel about this, the deep sense of shame is so overwhelming, I just don't think about sex until my partner becomes upset and then we do it for their sake.  Sometimes I can enjoy it, but only once I overcome the disgust, and then afterwards I feel that again too. 

I am aware that these emotions of disgust are really my parents' feelings .... that I internalised them and continue to 'agree' with them at the unconscious level about it all.... but have no clue what to do about it.  I have not had therapy for this because I cannot bear the idea of talking about this subject, it is so terribly uncomfortable and I worry that it would be to no avail anyway ( despite being an advocate of it for/on other subjects)  I can sometimes get so angry with my partner for even wanting it!!!  So unfair.... they are so loving and understanding...guilt over that too.

Any input on this would be so gratefully received.... thankyou   

[sanmagic7]

i agree with you that it is your parents' shaming that you feel.  we are born without shame about our bodies, about exploring them, touching them, enjoying them.  somewhere around 9 or 10, we find a natural modesty that encourages us to have some privacy about our bodies.  it's natural, part of the process of growing up human.

it's also a time when hormones may be beginning to peek our their inquisitive little heads and wonder what it's all about.  there is nothing shameful about that, and deserves to be handled with kindness and understanding by our parents.   the fact that they did not handle it that way with you is what's disgusting.  that's what is shameful.

they put their own disgust and shame on you when you were too young to push it off, so you carried it with you into your adulthood as if it were your own.  either refusing sexual urges by burying them, or flaunting them is not the natural sexual piece of you.  it is in there, under their disgust and shame.  unfortunately, they may have done such a good job of piling it on that it may take help to unload such a burden.

i am sorry you went through that, and are still going through it.  you have nothing to be ashamed of, nor disgusted by, regarding yourself and sex.  shame only grows in the dark - it's when we expose what we believe to be shameful to the light that it withers and dies.  i do truly hope that someday you'll be able to get the help you need so that you don't have to continue like this.  best to you, and here's a hug if you want it.   

[Dee]

I am also ashamed about sex.  Even the word invokes shame and while I can write it here, it is a word that I never say.  I try to remember the shame isn't mine.  It is so much easier to intellectualize than actually feel.  I honestly feel if I ever have sex again it is too soon.  I hope I can grow beyond this and I hope you can too.  I think just talking about it helps.  Perhaps in this case writing about it because that is so much easier.  Thank you for posting.  It helps to tell myself that if I don't feel you should be ashamed, neither should I.  I feel this is one of those subjects that writing, speaking about it helps take the power from it.

[clarity]

Thankyou so much for your replies .. sanmagic I really do appreciate the hugs and the encouragement.    My parents were 'eyes met across a dance floor' as teens and only ever had each other as partners... there was this view that ONLY this idealised virgins at their wedding type thing was acceptable, and they did not realise how lucky they were!  Their views were so incredibly blinkered and perfectionist...underpinned by a truly Victorian prudeness.  A strange concoction to grow up with.  They were so unbelievably judgemental and cold.

Dee ... I really did battle with myself over posting about this subject and even now to me it feels difficult and risky.  I am actually considering going for therapy about this, having stuck my neck above the parapet and being encouraged... it makes such a huge difference.  And I can see the nuttiness of being able to talk about other things but then hiding this away... the thing is sexuality is such a vital part of our physiology - our hormones, our health, our creativity all affected by the flow/not flow of sexual energy... and I am starting to feel angrier that this was so shattered by my upbringing....thankyou so much for replying... 

[woodsgnome]

The following probably merits a **Trigger Warning**

This topic has always represented a disastrous minefield for me. I can't write much in explanation, as almost every word I'd try sits on one of those explosive devices and I feel shattered before even attempting a step into that old war zone.

The shame you speak of so bravely, Clarity, is also mine, and it stems from not just parents, but was also pounded into my psyche by a long series of incidents in religious schools where both men and women ran amok given the chance.

Everything about sex was shame-framed, but it didn't stop them from 'practicing' what they didn't preach (it's hard to find a civilized expression for this). This pretty much has painted the picture of my adult life--sexual longing, withdrawal from sexual activity, outright shame the few times it came into a relationship; and the utter incapability to explain my actions in a coherent manner, adding to the shame. The hardest realization has been to know the shame was always theirs; but harder than that is feeling better even knowing that. Intense and overwhelming sadness took over and still haunts me.

Alright, so I managed to stammer those few words about some of my darkest, most hurtful parts. I guess because this forum is the only place I feel safe enough  to at least dare to release some of my tension about this.

I'm sorry my rant falls more into the category of sympathetic resonance than useful advice. So I'll just send this heartfelt  for you, Clarity. You did mention therapy; I currently have been doing this, but even there I choke on the shame I still feel. Perhaps I can find a smattering of peace, again via having shared, and released, some of that awful heritage.

[Kat]

Clarity, my belief is the right therapist will make a huge difference.  I always held back things with my first therapist.  I was always worried about what she'd think.  Then one day she said the F word.  It came out very awkwardly, like she wasn't used to saying it.  I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but that was the point where I decided it was time for a new therapist.  Now that I think about it, I probably sensed she wasn't being her authentic self with me, just as I wasn't being my authentic self with her.

I was so fortunate to find the therapist I have now.  Before I went to see her, I made the decision to do my best not to edit myself and to tell about all the different parts of me and my experience.  It took a long time before I talked about sex, but with time it got easier.  I've been seeing this therapist for over ten years and I still have to write down some of the things that make me feel too ashamed or afraid to say aloud.  She's always welcomed and treated gently what I've shared even when it was deeply humiliating to me.  And, I can honestly say, it always makes me feel better and freer after it's been brought to the light and looked at.  I wish you the best.

[clarity]

Woodsgnome, your reply choked me up...just the emotions of recognition, your courage in posting, the sadness of the suffering, but also the relief of sharing and knowing we are not alone.  Thankyou for your words, and yes, it is so helpful even to dip the tiniest tip of the little toe into revealing this stuff in a place where it is understood and not judged. 

Kizzie:  THANKYOU so very much for this forum....

Kat:  Almost all of my healing has been done alone.  Great strides but have realised that as sexuality in a relationship is about the connection... it has moved forward not a jot.  Same with social stuff which has gotten worse.  So its about the trusting enough to engage with others now.... eeeeeeeeeks.... the odd therapy I have had here and there has not lasted long.... guess I need to be brave and start looking.  Hope to find someone as lovely as you have... what a blessing.