Anger over diagnosis

Started by Hamster122, June 24, 2017, 05:00:16 AM

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Hamster122

I am 28 and was just diagnosed with C-PTSD. This has been extremely upsetting to me, I have spent most of my life dealing with traumatic experiences and have become very adapt at pushing through traumatic situations. Since my therapist "surprised" me with this diagnosis I feel my whole world has been turned upside down. I have been through emotional, physical, and sexual violence throughout my life and I have worked my butt off by myself to get through it. I have become successful in my life and operate under a very delicate balance of keeping my emotions in check, something that has taken a very long time to achieve. I don't know where to go from here, this has brought up so many emotions that I did not want to deal with ever again, the people who committed the acts of violence against me are never going to feel that anger or be held accountable so the only person I hurt by being angry or emotional is myself. I don't see the downside in keeping these emotions grounded and not thinking about these experiences. I know this may seem naive to anyone who has been working through this, but at this point I am just a mess and angry that I am feeling like this at all. I don't know what to do or how to feel and I'm in distress. Any advice would be welcome.

Three Roses

Welcome, Hamster122! I can totally relate to what you say; at 28 I had put my past behind me, started a family, and had a great job. I had experienced a life of trauma and pain up until the age of 25, when I made some big changes in my life, dealt with my issues, and moved on.

But trauma is an injury and if it doesn't get treatment, it just lies there under the surface of every reaction, every thought.

Now I'm in my 60s and dealing with what finally won't stay hidden. Because I hadn't "moved on" - everywhere I went, my past came along with me, trying to stay hidden but not succeeding. Believe me when I tell you, it's easier at 28 than at 60 to find yourself in therapy and looking at a diagnosis you never thought was possible.

I hope you really get a lot out of reading here. Move at a pace that's comfortable and ask questions as you go, if you like. You'll find we get it, we can relate to you. Thanks for joining!  :wave:

Lingurine

#2
Welcome Hamster122, I too, can relate to your story. It seems that we feel something's wrong when we are in our twenties. I was in my twenties too, when I first went into therapy. It's a shock to know that our past isn't abuse free and it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that and wanting to be free from our past. That though, takes a lot of work. In my case, therapy after therapy and, in the end medicins. So, although, my most severe symptoms are treated, I'm still at risk when major life events happen.

I know it must be hard for you to accept your diagnosis, but at least now you can work through your past and try to heal. I hope this helps.

Take care.

Lingurine

Hamster122

Thank you all for your replies, they are very sweet and I appreciate them deeply. Part of my issue with everything is that I truly believe some people have just been created because they can handle and deal with more trauma than most, I have accepted that my life will never be great, that I will never have happiness, but that I have the strength and perseverance to handle more than the average person and that is what I was put on this planet to deal with that. I have been through "*" so many times that it has become a part of me, like being left-handed, it is just who I am.  I am strong and I can withstand anything, I have been put in situations that many people can't survive in and I thrive in them. My trauma is so deeply ingrated in me that I don't even know who I would be without it. To some extent I don't want to deal with it because that involves me breaking down every part of me I know, I have never had anyone, not one single person, "there for me". I have had no one my entire life and to get to where I am today I have relied on me, I have pushed through things that are horrible and not many could deal with to be a successful person. I have fought and cried and paid my dues time and time again and I am finally in a better place. I guess my question is at this point, I need someone to convince me that therapy and opening up is going to be better than where I am. I have never had anyone in my life, I don't trust anyone and don't plan on starting to anytime soon, I have been alone since I was 14 and I have been able to push my hurt and pain aside to where I never even think about it and now that someone else wants to talk about it, I guess I just need a reason to. I know I am probably frustrating or have you rolling your eyes like "seriously? Everyone here has been through trauma, way to be a drama queen.." but I have never had a support group or system or * even a person who has consistently been there so feeling like I am going to open up and be vulnerable and let all these emotions out to someone I see once a week for one hour seems like a joke to me. What about the other 167 hours a week? I'm just on my own? I have to rip up this delicate balance because a therapist says I should and then what? They aren't there when I have nightmares and terrors, they aren't there when I'm sobbing because life is just too much, then what?! I just deal with that again?? Wait a week to talk about it? I don't know what is expected of me, what the * do I do?

Three Roses

My answer has a strong trigger warning.

QuoteI am strong and I can withstand anything, I have been put in situations that many people can't survive in and I thrive in them...and I am finally in a better place....convince me that therapy and opening up is going to be better than where I am...but I have never had a support group or system or * even a person who has consistently been there ...so feeling like I am going to open up and be vulnerable and let all these emotions out to someone.... to rip up this delicate balance because a therapist says I should and then what? They aren't there when I have nightmares and terrors, they aren't there when I'm sobbing because life is just too much, then what?! I just deal with that again?? 

I understand your anger and frustration. I do, really. And for the record, not once did I roll my eyes and think of you as a trauma queen. We here know it's not a contest, pain is pain and some deal with more and some with less but it's all pain and it all makes our lives more convoluted.

You don't say what led you to a therapist and this diagnosis, but whatever it was I promise you it's not gone, and it's not going away on its own.

*TW* from here to end.... your last chance to stop reading....




The world at large doesn't acknowledge the trauma that we here have lived through. Mothers that hate their children, that give them up like offerings to keep their own lives a little smoother, or they're brought up thinking that's just what happens... fathers that love their children the wrong way or put the burdens of their own failures and insecurity on tiny, narrow shoulders. Parents who turned away from their inner pain but involuntarily expressed it outwardly, and passed off their sorrow and dysfunction to the next generation like a baton in a relay race.

We will be here if you have questions. Some of us are here in the middle of the night. It's not a chat room but you might get a response fairly quickly.

We'll share what we've been through and what we found helpful. We'll tell you what we haven't found helpful,  like well meaning friends' advice - "stop thinking about it", etc, as if we had a choice.

Yes, it will hurt but you'll be better in the end. And forgive me for saying, it sounds like it's hurting you anyway.

This is the first place I've ever talked to other people who can understand what I went through and why I'm different. I hope you can feel you're not alone here, as well.

davis

Quote from: Three Roses on June 25, 2017, 01:54:39 AM
The world at large doesn't acknowledge the trauma that we here have lived through. Mothers that hate their children, that give them up like offerings to keep their own lives a little smoother

We will be here if you have questions. Some of us are here in the middle of the night. It's not a chat room but you might get a response fairly quickly.

We'll share what we've been through and what we found helpful. We'll tell you what we haven't found helpful,  like well meaning friends' advice - "stop thinking about it", etc, as if we had a choice.

This is the first place I've ever talked to other people who can understand what I went through and why I'm different. I hope you can feel you're not alone here, as well.

Wow, this is helpful to me to see, thank you.

I can also vouch for the fact that people here DO have empathy and care for abuse victims, because we're the ones who know what it's like. Most people don't know so don't really care. You're going to find people here who believe that it's a big deal, and who can understand.

Lingurine

#6
Beautiful post Three Roses. I totally agree with the fact that you, Hamster, are already in the midst of your pain and it takes maybe more energy to hold all the feelings and memories back than to talk about them. I truly see going to therapy as brushing my teeth. It's a natural thing to me and a necessity to have a place where I can crash and where I say things I don't talk about with others.

You worry that the time when you don't have therapy will be to long. A good therapist will help you deal with that time to empower yourself and believe in yourself to handle that time and other difficulties that occur in your life. To me it is important to trust your T, so feel the waters first, I would say.

Lingurine

89abc123

Hi hamster!

I can totally relate to your post. I totally get the anger. My anger actually lasted a few years along with denial.

I'm speaking for myself here, but once the anger subsided it allowed me to actually accept my 'illness' (injury) and it's only been in this acceptance that I've really moved forward with my recovery. Pete Walker says in his book that recovery is a never ending process. When I first read that it absolutely terrified me. Now it empowers me. While the real change is hard hard uncomfortable work, I've actually found some parts of therapy and getting to know myself fun and enjoyable.

Don't let anyone tell you to stop being angry because you have every right to be. Please just know that even though it's a long journey the anger will subside (the all consuming anger anyway, not the healthy understandable anger) which will leave room in your heart for healing.

I'm 28 too by the way. Welcome!

Kat

As my therapist says, trauma wants to be known.  You may have pushed your hurt and pain aside, but you haven't gotten rid of it.  If willpower, strength, and pushing through could heal our injuries, I doubt that this forum would be here. 

I too believe that some of us have been created because we can handle and take on more trauma than most.  For me, I see it as my obligation to stop the cycles of abuse.  Childhood trauma runs deep on both sides of my family.  I don't know if you have kids.  I do.  I want to take on the challenge of healing so that my kids and their kids and on and on won't have to suffer what I and my previous family members have.  I also want to honor the family members who came before me who suffered, but didn't have the same opportunities to work on healing. 

I'm curious to know what you think the purpose of your being "chosen" to bear the trauma is, if there is a reason.

I hope you'll stay here.  People have a lot of insight to share.  You're talking to people who really get it.

sanmagic7

hey, hamster,

why wouldn't you be angry?!!!  you believed you had it all together, you were already looking forward to having an unhappy life alone, you've pushed all the pain aside, put the cap on the bottle and threw it out to sea.  then someone comes along and tells you, no - you've got to retrieve that bottle, uncap it, and begin exploring everything you thought was taken care of, including your own perspective of yourself and your life.   i'd be angry, too!

i can't convince you that opening everything up again in therapy is going to be better than where you are.  i wouldn't presume to try.   i only know that, as strong as i am, as much as i've withstood (and i'm not trying to compare anything to what you've gone through), i have found help here when going through some of the roughest times of my life - being vulnerable, open, and honest.  in some ways those were tougher than any abuse i've known.

the idea of having these people here care for and about me was tremendously difficult to accept in the beginning.   now, i can't picture my life without their support and kindness.  i'd been to many, many support groups in my life, looking for that feeling of belonging, of not being alone - it never happened till i came here. 

is my life better for being vulnerable, opening up those trapdoors where the demons had been stored?  without a doubt.  there is a reason you are seeing a therapist in the first place, which tells me that all is not quite as battened down as you want to believe.  without resolving our issues, it's like burying some living thing that rises up out of its grave and grabs us as we walk by.

slow and baby steps are key concepts when opening up all that we thought we'd pinned down for good.  just a little at a time, at your own pace.  it will be difficult at times, it will be painful at times, but it will also be cleansing and ultimately there will be victories when those demons are truly laid to rest. 

only you can make the decision on this.  i wish you peace and strength as you wrestle with all of it. 

ghostgirl

Hi there.  I totally understand the anger.  I'm 58 and have been in and out of therapy since I was 20.   I never heard the term C-PTSD until I ran across it myself. For what it's worth,  I wish to * I had started on the right kind of therapy back when I was your age.   Wishing you the best. 

Candid

Another over-60 here and no one said CPTSD to me until five years ago.  Hallelujah for the internet, or many of us would still be groping in the dark and on our own. I get it, Hamster122.  We struggle to hold it together for years, and we're rightly proud of our achievements out in the world, BUT... the buried feelings are still there, and the harder we try not to look at them the worse they get and the faster they multiply.

Quotethe people who committed the acts of violence against me are never going to feel that anger or be held accountable

No, they never are.  I'm angry about it too, for me, for you, and for all of us.

QuoteWhat about the other 167 hours a week? I'm just on my own?

No, you're here with us, another of life's true survivors.  As has been said, this 'place' is available 24/7.  You can write as much or as little as you want to share.

QuoteI guess my question is at this point, I need someone to convince me that therapy and opening up is going to be better than where I am.
Quote from: Three Roses on June 25, 2017, 01:54:39 AM
You don't say what led you to a therapist and this diagnosis, but whatever it was I promise you it's not gone, and it's not going away on its own.

:yeahthat:

Sometimes the 'presenting issue' really is the issue; with CPTSD it's more often the most recent trauma and, as you've found, the tip of the iceberg.  I seriously didn't want to see the full horror of everything that went on back there.  To my first therapist it was plain as day, and to every one of them who followed, even while I was still trying to minimise or excuse what went on back there.  Easier and better, I thought, to take it out on myself, suck it up, keep driving myself on.

To answer your question, it's better to know.  Much better.

Welcome to you, and to ghostgirl.  Neither of you is alone with it now.


sinthia820

I hope you still read here hampster... I have a completely different response!

I too was angry about my self diagnosis! I too wondered if therapy and stuff would actually help or maybe hurt, because I am successful and strong and not being victimized.

I've read that there is only recovery and that recovered is not possible. That there is no cure, that you will never not be surviving or thriving... The question is are you surviving or thriving or suffering. I myself am thriving without any therapy or meds! I feel as if therapy would really almost just re victimize me.

People need therapy for help dealing with depression or anxiety or maybe just learning about their illness and understanding the whys and what not... but make no mistake therapy will change you, and there's no way to know in what way. You could go from thriving to suffering and develop an anxiety disorder or depression.... whether or not therapy would actually help you or not is something you need to decide for yourself, and remember if you change your mind you can always go later!

And to the poster that suggested that choosing to be lonely meant she wasn't happy and that therapy could help that, I'd like to maybe remind you that every situation is different and being alone does not make everyone lonely. And the stress and anxiety of trying to trust enough to be in a relationship is sometimes more detrimental than any potential benefit that might be garnered from struggling to try and be in a relationship... therapy will not alleviate fears it simply might... maybe... after much stress and turmoil teach you how to function and cope with that fear... If you are afraid of snakes would it not be best to just avoid snakes... if you are completely debilitated with your fear of snakes that you spend your days in constant anxiety and can't function then maybe you might need to see a therapist... if your fear of snakes is keeping you from your life long dream of being a vet then maybe therapy is for you... but therapy means you will be exposed to snakes, that you will have to work around or through anxiety and fear and if there is no ultimate benefit from doing so then why do it... and being in a relationship isn't a benefit, not for everyone anyway.

89abc123

#13
I'm sorry but I completely disagree with the above post.

To the original poster I really recommend schema therapy. It is helping me with the problems I've developed in my personality due to cptsd. That and dbt for emotional regulation. I've also had neurofeedback which has helped in other ways for things like concentration, focus and energy.

I think to say that only the depression or anxiety needs treatment and once you have those under control you will be 'thriving' is not good advice. IMO and experience depression recurs if you don't treat the parts of the personality that need attention eg. Codependent behaviours, drug abuse, fear of intimacy, social anxiety etc.

Sorry to be blunt but I think it's important to accept the work that needs to be put in. Is there hope? Absolutely. Neuroplasticity is being proven more and more. I believe it's better to work with a therapist to come up with a treatment plan.

Rainagain

Reading all these posts made me think of the years I tried to deny I was unwell and needed help.
People would try to talk to me but I dismissed it, I was OK and if I wasn't then it was no wonder given the trauma I'd been through, only natural.
The reason I had convinced myself that I was fine is that I was only just functioning, my little house of cards was standing and I wouldn't risk doing something that might cause a collapse.
I was told i needed therapy by several people, someone else gave me a booklet on ptsd, yet I wasn't listening.
After 12 years I got some help, I'm really glad I did as a few years after that I had to deal with the situation which caused my cptsd. Its like a conveyor belt for me, bad stuff seems to head my way so I need to do some basic repairs before the next horrific situation presents itself.

Its the emotional equivalent of going over Niagara falls in a barrel, experiencing it once doesn't mean you dont mind having another go.