Hi , I'm new TW

[MarshmallowHeaven]

Hi everyone,

I have only just found this website and forum, I was in work today and during a lull I googled 'emotional abuse' and came across Out of the Fog. The reason for my googling such topics was because I have been once again in my life feeling really resentful towards my parents and the way they have both treated me my whole life. After many years of counselling and other therapies on and off over a period of I'd say coming up to almost two decades, together with over a year of no contact with them a few years ago, I thought I had reached a kind of happy place where I could accept that they will never be the parents that I'd wished I'd had. But every now and again I have these flare ups.

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about I'll just outline as briefly as I can what I mean.

Starting with my Dad, I have come to the conclusion that he may have some kind of personality disorder. He is extremely 'vacant' a lot of the time, he is only really interested in his own pursuits (he has several long term hobbies which he follows obsessively and becomes extremely frustrated and angry if something gets in his way pursuing them). I remember as a child trying to say something to him, even really mundane things like does he want a cup of tea, I would be standing right in front of him and he would completely 'not see' or hear me. He would just not notice. He constantly ignored me, wouldn't respond to me. I couldn't therefore talk about anything else with him. He has never asked me a question about my thoughts, feelings, ideas etc. He is extremely critical of me sometimes. He would say I'm not intellegent (it took me a long time to challenge this, I graduated from uni last year and am doing a masters now but for years I believed him). If my mum asked him to do something for me and my brother he would snap 'they're your kids' as if we weren't his! If he gets angry (which has always been A LOT) he literally screams at the top of his voice. Even at the age of almost 36 I find it terrifying. He would do this a lot in public as well, I remember feeling completely humiliated and frozen in the middle of car park somewhere on holiday because he was kicking off about something. If the internet is down he will start shouting and screaming, kicking his feet on the ground etc. He has terrible trouble with eye contact, like I would say something to him and he will turn his body 180 degrees so his back is facing me and start answering me like that. It often takes awhile to get his attention. He often doesn't really listen to what your saying anyway. If however there is something he is interested in he can behave like a normal person. He has always had these weird 'fits' where he will scratch and/or vigorously rub his face, usually with a really tight grimace, or bite his fists etc. We were always walking around on eggshells. If I tried to stand up to him, he would scream in my face, calling me horrible things. What made it worse is that my mum would tell me off for upsetting him and telling me that I had to apologise and make it up to him in order to keep some peace which leads me on to my mum....

My mum is a massive gaslighter and denier of everything. She always underplays my dad's behaviour as if it is just some funny quirk of his. Or she says that things that have happened did not happen, or she can't remember. I've given up trying to talk to her about how my dad has always made me feel, and she has come back to me saying that I am the one being abusive for raising it (I have never sworn or shouted, just told her in a normal tone of voice what he's done and how it made me feel). She also said that the problem is not him or her, it is me. The term she has used a lot is that she believes that 'I was born different'. I've had really big problems with anxiety and depression since me teenage years which I directly attribute to my upbringing but she does not want to take any responsibility for it. She won't accept it. She has 'slipped' up sometimes, she once told me that she thinks that Dad should never have had children and that he was actually a terrible dad. But most of the time she won't have anything of it. It hurts me that she did not protect me growing up, as a mother myself now there is absolutely no way I would let anyone treat my daughter like he treated me - I would have kicked him out a long time ago.

A few years ago, around Christmas my dad had a major meltdown because the internet broke at their home and he couldn't pursue one of his hobbies which involved him using his computer. He came down to where my mum, me and my then baby were sat and starting screaming, shouting and swearing. When he left the room I told my mum I was not happy with this so she went up stairs to tell him. What I heard was so disturbing. I could hear him stamping his feet quickly and violently (like a little toddler) and literally roaring 'DON'T YOU * TALK TO ME LIKE THAT'. I got close to the bottom of the stairs and could hear my mum whimpering and crying saying that he was hurting her. The next morning she showed me a massive bruise on her arm - she said that his eyes 'were gone' and that he had lurched aggressively towards her making her fall backwards hurting her arm. She told me she couldn't leave him because she would have no money etc. A day or two later he booked them a fancy 5* holiday to Dubai so all was forgiven. One of my first memories was of my mother crying, holiding both me and my brother in her arms hiding behind the door as my dad was screaming at her.

I think my mum is a domestic violence victim and I do feel sorry for her but she is so frustrating to me because of her gaslighting, and also that I think she has always taken out alot of her frustrations out on me. She can be really mean sometimes, sarcastic, undermining. She puts up with all of my Dad's ridiculous tantrums but she has never had any time for any of my feelings. She cannot stand me showing negative emotions. If she does something that legitimately upsets me she will literally put her coat on and leave.

Like I said, I have suffered anxiety for a long time. It was particularly crippling during my teens and 20s, I had really bad social anxiety, I could hardly walk down the street with full body tremors and shaking. I drifted from job to job. I was pretty much an alcoholic. I had so much bad feeling inside me that had nowhere to go. I believed that I was unlovable, unlikeable, weird, stupid. I could not express my thoughts without fear of being screamed at or dismissed.

I suffer a lot of flashbacks, of my dad screaming. I also have a problem with saying no or standing up for myself. I've had a lot of really * relationships with really * men.

I hate the fact that they still seem to have so much power over me. Somedays I really feel like I hate them for what they've done.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, MarshmallowHeaven, thanks for joining!

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Screaming at a child is such a violent, frightening situation to be put in, even for adults - but even more for children.

Your dad almost sounds like he may be somewhere on the autism spectrum. We do have a sister site for family/friends/etc of people with PD's which you may find interesting. http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/

In any case you are welcome here, and thanks for joining.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Marshmallow!     It's really unfortunate, but so many of us can relate to what you experienced so you are in good company.

Glad you found your way to us and keep on posting, it can help!