Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Getting back to my new journal, there have been a lot of posts on my old one. I think I am finding out what is healthy for me slowly. I have drawn some boundaries with people that are making me more secure.

I drew some pretty clear expectations for Sara which has truly helped, and she is sticking to them thus far. I also went on a date yesterday, and she is respectful of my boundaries as well. I know my love life is messy but right now I feel like I have control over it for once.

I have a ton of work to be doing this week, so I am finding that I meditate to help myself stay focused and clear headed. It has made a large difference. Hopefully it will stay that way. I had some small flashes of my abuse on Saturday that were pretty hard but otherwise my symptoms were pretty under control.

One step at a time on this journey. I am determined to find a good, healthy place for myself

[sanmagic7]

you go, elphanigh.  you sound stronger, more sure of yourself.  glad to hear that.  big hug, sweetie!

[Elphanigh]

I definitely feel stronger and more sure of myself today. Hoping sustain this for a while, it feels really nice for once. Dare I say, it feels peaceful? Big hugs to you too 

[Elphanigh]

I do wish that I could keep days like yesterday in my life much longer. Today I am not so cure of myself, I don't feel as strong. Instead, I see my flaws... I see how I am going to let people down.. It is hard because I know it is better for myself, but I see how I am not good enough to manage it all. That hurts.

I realize how deeply woven that is for me. I used to only get praise for my perfect grades, or for when I excelled at something. I became good at everything, and learned that to get praise and love that is what I had to do. I did multiple sports, music, theater, and left high school valedictorian. I mean the habit ran for as long as I had been in school, I was that way when I was 5 too. Little miss overachiever they called me. I am both thankful and resentful of that name. Right now, I am feeling resentful... for when I feel even the slightest bit like I am going to disappoint someone or not live up to expectation I start to get this ache in myself.. the ache of me not being good enough.. I remember hiding my abuse by being the perfect student, friend, musician, and athlete. I remember feeling like it all came easily to me, but it was still a cover for my abuse and how I truly felt about myself.

None of it was ever enough. I am trying to learn to not feel like that... but I get so scared to not meet expectation.. for the punishments that come from not being that perfect girl... I realize it was either perfection and love, or a mistake and discipline.. My siblings got off easier because they never showed the promise that I naturally did... so it was only me.. It made me sick sometimes.. and in college certainly sent me spinning when I could not longer do it all... I couldn't be that girl anymore. I did very well  but it will always feel like it wasn't enough.

So I feel like I am failing now.. I could point out my every flaw... in the midst of this I am recognizing the covert abuse that was the cause of this.. and sometimes not so covert abuse depending on which source. My parents did this whether they realized it or not... and my other abusers certainly perpetuated it on a life or death kind of scale....

I want to learn past this, it just takes time and kindness from people. I know many kind people that want the best for me now. It still just feels weird to me, because I realize I have never truly had that. Even my parents never fully had just my best interest in mind. They cared but they used me for their own gain as well, and I definitely took on more as a kid than I should have because of them.

Everyone had something to gain from tearing me down... or saying they knew what was best, that they cared... It is hard sometimes to trust that people do actually just want good things for me... that they won't be mad if I can't meet expectations because it is just not feasible for me right now... that doing it would put me at risk of a lot... and that I can't do that... I remember that selfish was bad... that not living up to what was asked was bad... That it meant being punished in one way or another.. and being made to do the thing anyways...

Sorry, I am hurting today

[Elphanigh]

*small trigger warning* Just emotional and raw ish

I don't want to remember.. I don't want to fight anymore. I didn't ask for any of this, and right now I know I didn't deserve it. I really hate all the realizations I have been having lately. I crushed the one source of true good and the only healthy example I ever had... I don't want to know that my family was abusive. That my mom was covertly abusive to me and physically abusive. That my dad sat back and enabled this. That they were so busy fighting to care about what was happening to me outside of the home.

I don't want to know that there were so many adults in my life I reached out to that failed me. That should have done something and didn't. I could have been saved from some of the worst of it. I would have never wanted to take my own life. I could have a more normal life right now.

I don't want to fight this all the time. I don't want to have to recognize patterns and figure out what demon it comes from... which part of my messed up past is haunting me. I don't want to realize I shouldn't be alive for all intents and purposes... I shouldn't have survived. I don't want that truth. I don't want to know that I was raped several thousand times.. that I was beat, and emotionally abused, taught the worst unhealthy habits... That I was forced to take on the care of everyone around me. I don't want this..

I don't want to feel broken anymore... to be exhausted because I can't handle what is going on in my current life, let alone what my past is causing... what going back to that pit is causing.. I want to be healthy and I am trying.. but this shouldn't be my fight and I don't want it. I want to be worrying about what normal 23 year old girls do

I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to remember..

[Three Roses]

It won't be like this forever. And remember, you are having good days now, mixed in with the rough days. This is not an illness, it is an injury. Recovery and/or healing from trauma IS possible. ♡

Hanging in with you, kiddo.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three roses. I needed that reminder so much. I must have read it at least five times. It is hard to believe right now, but I felt good and strong yesterday. I can look back and see words as proof of that. It is just difficult, like I want to see a light at the end of all this.. something that is gleaming saying come get me. There isn't that though.. I could be in this back and forth for years.

I get tired of fighting, of picking myself back up. I have been through so much, as we all have, and just want a bit of peace. To not fight for just a moment. I have been fighting all of my life.. I don't want to have to do it forever. I see people fighting this demon so late into their life.. it scares me some days. I applaud all of you for that fight and all of your wisdom, but I don't think I can fight that long..

Really this is me just tired and burnt out. Not by just the cptsd, by other life factors as well.. it just really highlights this issues... and my mind for whatever reason thinks this prime timing to remember things.. to see new patterns, to recognize things for what they are. It chose the most transitional point in my life to date to throw it at me.. to keep me on my toes... when I am already doing so much. I hate it.

I do truly hope it isn't always like this, that you are right that it is possible to heal. I really want to, I am just exhausted

[Elphanigh]

*Trigger Warning*




I  haven't wanted to swallow pills, and just be done in a long time. Not so strongly anyways. I know exactly what I would take... I have a dangerous amount of things in my drug cabinet that by them selves would probably do it.

On that note, I won't take them. There is strength in me getting up and going to work today. Strength in taking only what I needed to of my meds, what I am supposed to take every day and no more. There is strength in writing here that I won't take them. That the thoughts are there but I have never been capable of going through with it, and I am not capable. I don't want to die, I just also don't want to feel right now.

I am away from anything dangerous right now, and where I should start to feel better. I just hope this passes quickly. If not I will call my T before I leave work

[Three Roses]

Keep us updated on how you're feeling, Elphanigh. You are deeply cared for here.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three roses. I will keep you updated. I am struggling, but am finally eating. Have found that work is helpful, it is distracting me and I can suck in the good energies from people around me.

I am still struggling, and it will be a battle but I don't feel like it as much as I did a few hours ago. I am still very aware of what I have at home that could numb me, but it dissipates because I am around people

It has been a very long time since I felt like this last. It  has just thrown me for a loop, and made me hate my own demons more than I already do. I will post in here as I can. I thought about posting in having a rough day just to get some much needed love and kind words.. but I can't bring myself to ask that much and risk triggering people. I have to populate the good things by myself. Reaffirm that I deserve to be around

[Three Roses]

You most certainly do deserve to be around! You are a vital member of this forum and I've learned a lot from your posts, and found comfort in them.

More hugs to you, until you can believe you deserve them.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. I will try to live in the comfort of those hugs. It is great to hear that  you have learned and found comfort in things I post. I will get to that belief again. I have always come back from these days,  I have a good track record as I am still here.

I needed those words, and even more those hugs. I am just hurting and aching. My poor inner child is terrified and wants to run. Adult me feels that too. I am just tired and worn out. I need that warmth and caring. I don't have enough of it, and am not capable enough of generating it on my own

Do you mind if I stay in those hugs today?

[Three Roses]

All day if you want, and all tomorrow too ♡♡♡♡♡♡

[Elphanigh]

I love that thank you. I needed that a lot

[Elphanigh]

I am feeling stronger than I was. It got worse this morning, and has started to bounce back with some help. It is by no means great, and I am by no means okay.. but I am better than I was. There is movement in a good direction instead of me falling farther into my fear and need to run.

I am stronger than this demon of mine. There is more to me than the bad things my memories hold. I have to believe I am more than just a combination of one bad event after another. I am the small bits of light that I kept in my heart.. the kindness I try to see in everyone and to give everyone. I am not just my demons.. I am not just bad.I not a problem child. I am a mix of so much, but I am all that I did to survive not what was done to me.. I am the kindness I show.. not the monster someone is making me out to be

I am not in charge of how someone reacts when I have to make a decision for my well being. That is a reflection on themselves not me. I can't control their anger or inability to be compassionate when I needed it the most