Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[woodsgnome]

You said: "It is heart breaking to look at these younger versions of me, and not know how to help them. To see how much they went through... how much I went through."

"...went through." And into a new chapter.

These younger versions needed you then; had no where to turn...but now you're there/here--for them, for you, and by extension for us who are touched by your story. It makes one very vulnerable, and it's easy to give up and figure it'll never happen.

But it is happening, as slow, agonizing, and futile as it has seemed--those little ones have a friend they never had; and they still need your loving presence. They're finally with someone entirely safe and trustworthy.

Thanks for sharing from your heart...I'm wishing nothing but the best as you continue finding your way around the corner into the sunshine you deserve.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there.

It is this hurt and grief that allows for self compassion. Sadness for your inner children can be seen as weak, but I'd argue that it's a powerful thing. To be able to feel hurt is what drives us to protect who we are, what we hope for and what we stand for. This can allow a motivation in life — becoming a force of nature — to change who we are and potentially the people around us more. When you feel for yourself, you feel for others more deeply as well.

It's alright to feel. There's a lot to grieve.

if that's okay.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both.  to both of you.

Woodsgnome, you are right. Into a new chapter it is, those little versions of me never had anyone trying to be there for them, and now they do. Even if I feel lost in that pursuit sometimes. I am glad sharing my story here can touch people as well as help myself. Feels useful at least in that way.

DecimalRocket, I think you are right about I think being powerful. I had never made that connection, thank you. 

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, doing what you're doing is helping them.  you already know even without knowing it consciously.  you're doing what you need to do to heal, and that's exactly what all your littles need, it's exactly what helps them be comforted, nurtured, and finally knowing they are safe at last.

yes, you and all the very beautiful parts of you have gone thru *, there is no denying that.  you've known it, but maybe now you're becoming aware of it on a different level, seeing how you've survived from the perspectives of your littles.  that's very powerful stuff.

i hope you can take the breaks you need for your scholastic needs.  not that you're abandoning anything or anyone, but just some space to be able to think and concentrate on getting into grad school and all that entails.  maybe it's not possible, but i hope it is.  i'd just hate to see you get overwhelmed to the point that you become paralyzed, and can't do your school stuff.  i know how important it is to you.

in the meantime, i celebrate that warrior spirit you're showing.  i have no doubt you'll get thru this exactly the way you need to.  sending a big hug filled with comfort, caring, and love. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you , San. It is a good reminder that somehow I am doing exactly what they need. I am just struggling to see it with the difficulties this week has presented me. I think it is also that old voice coming back to tell me I am not good enough...

I think you have a point of maybe a different level of awareness. That is a great insight into maybe why I am feeling like this. It is a very powerful process for me, a different level makes perfect sense here. I think I am being to know it more intimately, to see into exactly what that entailed for the younger parts of me. It is a hard truth to witness.

I am trying to take those breaks. This afternoon has been part of that. I have struggled more in the last week to create that space, but I am determined to see this through. I will talk to my T today about some ways I might be able to separate it a bit better. I want to be doing both. My academics are the road to what I want for myself in the future, but so is healing. I need to find balance. Thank you for remembering how important that part of life is to me.

My warrior spirit is definitely coming through lately. I really have needed it too, and think I have been building it as I am going too. It feels stronger than it used to. Thank you dear friend for being here on this journey with me. Not really sure what I would do without you

[Elphanigh]

Found out just how triggering anger can be for me in therapy today. I am grateful my T is trauma informed, and amazing at what she does. She had to talk me down from a trigger twice in session, which never happens. I have never gotten overwhelmed completely like that, certainly not twice in session. We are normally well within the zone of tolerance. We crossed that twice today, but she was watching and caught them both pretty early. One she had no idea it could cause it because I hadn't told her about the ex that hurt me more recently.


We tried to do some physical things to release this anger, to get in touch with the emotion and body sensations to help start to process the specifics eventually. I am a thrower when I get angry (although I really don't let that happen often).. I used to throw a pillow or a ball when i got angry.. or would just sprint until I couldn't breathe. So we did a throwing motion which was okay, so decided to throw a hackysack at giant pillow.. that became too much.

Little me got so scared, that ten year old me is terrified of anger.. so getting in touch with it got me really anxious and wanting to retreat back into myself. I don't think I have ever wanted to retreat back, and close off so much with this T. It was a first, which is probably good she has seen this part of me. I automatically closed off, when I started to reopen and triggered myself unintentionally....my t was being really reassuring helping me prove to myself I could help my Little's, I could protect them and myself...had me form a bubble around myself essentially by moving my arms and just visualizing that. It was meant to help empower me..

Instead I immediately went to the incident with my ex who pushed my boundary, and when I froze... I went to my inability to protect myself.. ended up leaving the office out of sorts because her group had gotten there, and the second they started making noise I closed off. She tried her best to help, but I had backed into myself too much to let her. She did all she could and I appreciate that...even mentioned that if the noise bothered me, because she sensed it had excaberated the trigger, that we
could find a new time. This was the first time I had been in that late spot, so we hadn't run into it before.

Learned a lot about some stuff today. I chose to try to tackle my anger, that was my choice.. I wanted to be brave and work on it, because it had come up a lot this week for me personally. I couldn't tackle it on my own, so I thought I was ready to face it in session... it was just so much more than I expected.

Either way I have not even been able to accidentally set a glass down wrong and not jump.. loud noises and especially my fighting neighbors are rough for me tonight...

[Sceal]

Sounds like you worked really hard in therapy today! My T also has me doing physical stuff if I start drifting off, I used to think it was way to weird and struggled to engage, but now I can see it's purpose and it helps ground me again. It takes practice, and sometimes it doesn't help. I hate it when you have to leave the T and you're not really present anymore.

I hope you give yourself room and self-compassion after your session today to process and rest. You've done alot!

[Elphanigh]

Lots of hard work definitely. Not thinking she will have me do too much physical stuff for a while, just because the reaction I ended up having. Will see though. I am pretty nervous about the idea of trying it again, so I may not let it happen for a while..it was definitely rough to leave and not be fully present when I did.

I gave myself as much space as I could last night to help. I am still feeling some today but not a ton thankfully

[sanmagic7]

wow, that was quite a session.  it sounds like, if nothing else, you learned something about yourself, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  learning out limits is a biggie - i still struggle with that.  also, it might do you some good to start much more slowly, less intensely the next time you decide you want to tackle anger.  i know it can escalate quite rapidly, but you're more aware of that dynamic now.

that is a drag to have to finish a session without closure of some kind.  sounds like you're still pretty jumpy from it.  i hope you can find some rest and relaxation till you feel more grounded and stable.  take care of yourself, sweetie, as best you can.  you need and deserve some time and kindness for yourself right now.

sending a big hug filled with care and love.  you'll get there - it may need to be at a little slower pace than you or your t realized.  no shame in that.

[Elphanigh]

It was quite the session.. I don't normally just run through one on here but I needed to last night. That one was rough, and a lot got learned indeed. Definitely will start much more slowly when I decide I want to tackle anger again, the trigger took both of us by surprise... because I was doing okay, it was hard to let myself do but I was okay. The trigger was like a flip of a switch and I honestly can't identify exactly what caused it. I can understand the aftermath of it, but not figure out exactly what caused it.

It is hard to not have closure certainly.. my t is really great about creating a sense of closure before I leave but it was just not possible yesterday. I know she tried very hard but I wasn't in a place where I could let her, I guess.

Definitely still jumpy, some sleep helped but I still feel it a lot this morning. I work a double shift at work today, which could be good distraction... or it could just set the anxiety on high again. It is impossible to tell which will actually happen. I am hoping for a quiet ish morning at work, because loud noises are still spooking me pretty badly. I will drink calming decaf tea all day,and give my nigh shift to a coworker if I need to tonight, although I prefer not to. I know there is one that would probably take it if he hasn't already found someone to take one from.

That hug I said perfect. I feel like I could sit in one for a while. My body and mind need to just feel safe, which is a challenge right now. I wanted to be ready to tackle my anger, to try to sit with it... maybe that was too soon for me. Everything else is good to be intense, I can handle the fear, grief, sadness etc... but something about anger is harder I guess. I do hope to get there one day

[sanmagic7]

earth mother spirit wrapping you in her voluminous skirts, providing calm for your nerves, and safety for your being. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. It is amazing how much just that image can help me start to breathe a bit deeper. I will stay there for a little while today, if that is okay.

[sanmagic7]

it's always ok, honey.  always.  she will come whenever you need her, just call her, even if i'm not around.  she is now one of your personal resources.  love and hugs, el, love and hugs.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. If I wasn't in public that would have made me cry a bit to be honest... I have taken comfort in having her here all day. Work has been hard, so I have needed a place yo mentally escape today.

Love and hugs, san. Thank you for allowing me this space whenever I need it

[Elphanigh]

Today is a better day. I have had time to breathe, and rest. I find that I am still jumpy to loud noises, but much more tame. That session scared little me badly. It hurt the ten year old version of myself, that was so used to anger being toxic. Then bringing up my ex that hurt me, triggered the part in her that felt like she could never protect herself or anyone else well enough. That part of me was reminded how powerlessness felt..

It is a feeling I will try to heal, maybe I need to work on that before I work on anger. I will sit with my Littles in our safe space and figure out what they need most from me. To see how to get trust and a bit more safe feeling back for them. So I can start to process even more of this.