Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate all of the helming vibes and other wonderful illness cures. Hoping it will pass, but it has only gotten stronger today

[Elphanigh]

I have found myself grieving tonight, instead of sleeping... I laid down to sleep about three hours ago. My mind has a habit of whirling around sometimes. My body is exhausted because of working too many hours, and now have been fighting a cold/flu for four days. Utterly exhausting and frustrating...

Either way, instead of getting much needed rest to hopefully not be sick anymore.. my mind is grieving all of its losses... my inner is hurting immensely and I am having a hard time helping her tonight.

*Trigger warning*  just in case

There are a few things I am grieving that hurt my inner child as well. One being a loss of part of me because of college... losing a career path, a passion, and ultimately my pure love for playing music. I haven't played my flute in 5 months..l used to play for 5 hours a day, nearly every day.... when I was kid it is what saved me. Not five hours of it that came later... but music saved me from everything I was going through. It gave me community, and something to love. Music, along with school, was the reason I survived.

I got that taken from my in college, by a narcissistic private instructor that was very emotionally abusive. She hurt that part of me so much that I can't make that I lost that life plan. It hurts little me more than it does adult me, although both feel pain over it. It has been five months since I have played. I miss it, but it also hurts for me to think about it and be reminded of what was going to be, and that I am not good enough.

The other thing is the illusion of a family that got shattered. Little me placed my family in this little bubble of pure goodness. I know she did this to survive, and cope. However, I lost that in its entirety a few months ago. With the stark realization my mom was very emotionally abusive and mildly physically abusive... thst my dad was neglectful and let her do those things. Often causing them because we got lashed out on when he failed to make sure things got done.

I recognize my family put the weight of the world on my shoulders.. I was responsible for everyone's well being. If mom and dad were fighting it was my job to fix it, save my siblings from it, and pick up the pieces afterwards.

I was my moms confidante when she was angry or sad etc... same from my dad. I was in charge of maintaining the emotions of people in my house.. of caring for my siblings, and even my moms health.

I was also to be perfect. Which meant as a kid I was never enough, because no child is perfect. Especially not one that is being horrifically abused regularly.

There is a lot more that could be said about the worst of my family, but I have already made such a long post. Let's just say my mother did some horrific things..

I held them in such a perfect bubble for so long because little me couldn't handle adding to the bad pile.. little me couldn't handle the truth of not having had an adult that was actually caring and doing their job in my life. Not even ones I tried to reach out to and tell that something was wrong. No one saved me, because no one cared to. Little me couldn't handle that truth.

So my inner child aches, as does adult self. I need to sleep. Thank you for reading such a long post if you made it this far. Sorry it is such a vent of everything

[Sceal]

I hope that you managed to fall asleep eventually, and that it was a peaceful night in the end. I wish you a better day today.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Sceal. I did eventually get some sleep, it just took a while to accomplish

[sanmagic7]

no need to apologize, el.  that's what these journals are for.  get that poison out, get out the griefs, pain, hurt, abuse, truths, realizations - all of it - that still bothers both you and little you.  we get it.

i really feel bad for you that you're still sick, that you're having to work so hard, and that you're not getting the rest you need.  earth mother spirit embraces you, both of you, in comfort and caring, her voluminous skirts shielding you from any extra pain right now as you go thru your grieving process.

as far as that flute teacher goes, well, i can't print here what i'd like to say about her.  i hope you can get past her abusive rantings and back to the music that has soothed your soul.  she was wrong.  you are indeed good enough.  anything that has helped us survive is more than good enough and how dare anyone attempt to destroy that!  no, no, and no.

dear el, rest in your mind knowing that you and whatever you do that is beneficial to your life is always valid, valuable, and way more than good enough.  these things we have a passion for are part of our spirit, that spirit that has kept us going thru all the horrors.  yes, life savers.  every time i hear flute music from now on, i will think of you, hoping that someday you'll be able to return to it.  you deserve it.  sending a hug filled with healing energy and lots of love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you San. I did need to get the some of the poison out last night.

I am off today thankfully, have a million things I should do, but rest from this illness shall come first. I need it. Thank you for sheilding me from the extra pain.

I can imagine what you would say, dear friend. It is good to know you would. I really hope I can get past it one day too, I have my moments but it is truly difficult. It is hard to remember that it is enough when I learned the opposite throughout college. I have my music performance degree but it isn't enough for the life I had envisioned so long ago. That got taken from me. I want part of that love back.

That toxicity is affecting my new found path. I find that I am terrified someone is going to do it again to the new one. I am afraid to love philosophy, and thst passion because I fear someone like her will happen again. Or that I won't be good enough. I am applying to grad schools right now, but so afraid it won't be enough... that I am not good enough for it.

There is a lot of old toxic thoughts there. I need to get past them soon.

[sanmagic7]

you know, el, you are not the same person you were when that teacher knocked the snot out of you verbally.  you've come so far, i wouldn't doubt that if someone tried that again on your new path, you'd be able to stand up for yourself and tell them where they can stuff their crapola.

you don't ever have to take that abuse again, sweetie.  i hope you feel better real soon.  loving hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for that reminder. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago when I finished my degree. I have gone no contact with that person, even though she wanted differently. You are right, I am not the same person I was when I took that and let her define four years of my life.

I need to remind myself of that as I go forward into this new one. Academia is not a kind place, but I am stronger now.

I am starting to feel better today, just resting up more. Big hugs to you as well.

[Elphanigh]

Another wave of nausea while at work this morning... working around food and on my feet for hours does not bode well with this. I have an hour or so before I have to head back because I am working a split shift. Hoping to kick this. I finally woke up without a fever today, and my cold/flu symptoms are starting to dwindle. Although still really present.


Little me is having such a rough time right now. I am struggling to place exactly why she is yelling at me. A lot of is going on in my adult life, and I am dealing with a ton of old wounds that have attached themselves to the newer ones.. however those older ones are only a couple of years older.

Little me, like 6 or 7 year old me, is really hurting though. Scared and hurt.. I am just unable to figure out why. I know there is something obviously.. but pinpointing it has become impossible. It feels nebulous if that makes sense. I am fishing around and have a whole lot to sort through with no success. But goodness is she yelling at me, and she doesn't yell ever.

I was a quiet kid, never shouted or cried.. I got taught not to. I was the perfect quiet child from as long as I can remember. So little me yelling and being in such distress is really odd to me. I feel it, but don't know what to do with it.

Anyway, I am going to continue to contemplate that while trying to feel less nauseous...

[Sceal]

Being nauseus and having to be at work is awful. I hope you will feel better real soon and that you will be able to get some rest once your shift is over.

You say you have a lot to deal with, could that be what Little you are trying to tell you? That she is worried about you dealing with tons of stuff all at once?

[Elphanigh]

It is awful, especially when serving tables I have found... I am sitting at home now, just got here. I am less nauseous so going to try to eat something.

I do have a ton going on, but I always have a lot on my plate. I don't think there has ever been a time where I wasn't trying to balance the weight of the world... maybe an occasional day or two. I wish I could say that was exaggerating but it isn't. So I am not sure that is it, only because it hasn't happened previously. Even when I had more going on.

that is a really great idea and thought, I promise.

[sanmagic7]

i had the same thought.  maybe when you were a child, you wanted to yell about the injustices perpetrated upon you, but couldn't.  perhaps now, as you've moved forward in your recovery, your little you is feeling safe enough to yell like she was never allowed to before.  she doesn't like what you're having to deal with, and she's making it known.  standing up for you, so to speak, like you weren't allowed to stand up for yourself.

just a thought.  i hope this huge load you've been carrying dwindles soon.  i know you're exhausted.  sending a hug full of care and concern for you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I will look more into that thought. Maybe I dismissed it a little to quickly initially. I was seeking some sort of specific thing from back then, maybe you two have a good idea going on. It is worth exploring more than I gave it initially. My little has more room than she used to, so maybe she is yelling for the first time because she feels like she can.

I spent some of my morning coloring, and drinking some tea. Enjoying Once Upon a Time on Netflix as well. It has seemed to help me calm down my little, and my adult self. Expressive outlet of sorts. I am still not well enough (sinuses/cough etc) to attempt my flute but when my lungs are recovered I will try that. I miss that part of me greatly, and I think little me does too. It was so much of who I was until about a year and a half ago. Maybe she is telling me it is time to try again.

I hope the load dwindles soon too.. exhaustion is a very real thing for me. I am sadly more energetic and such with this load than I ever was during my undergrad. There is a lot now, but I am more capable than I used to be. I will get there.

I am able today, to recognize the fear but work on grad school stuff anyways. I can't live in that fear all the time, what if would be much harder. I have to try for myself.

Hugs right back at you. Thank you for always showing such caring and concern for me, dear. It means the world to me

[Elphanigh]

So as I went to work on my projects today it dawned on me part of what I am struggling with so much. I think Little El may be so upset because of all the reminders to what was. Warning me to watch for these things, and tricks. Instead of coming from other people like they were when I was a kid, they are coming from myself... Maybe she is feeling a bit attacked from within, without me recognizing what I was doing to myself.

Perfectionism is so much a part of who I am to a fault. When I was younger that was instilled by my parents and my other abusers punishing me terribly for even my smallest mistakes. Even with grades in school nothing was good enough unless it was a perfect score. Got a 95? why didn't you get 100?  Then my abusers either telling me how perfect I was being and rewarding it, or telling me I was terrible and unloveable when the worst of the abuse was going on.

I am recognizing that same dichotomy in my own thought processes currently. It is presenting itself in a few ways. One, my research paper for graduate school applications. I find myself stuck because I keep whirling around with thoughts, searching for a perfect topic/argument/theory that simply doesn't exist. Philosophy isn't perfect, it is as human a subject as art is truly. I find that I put something on paper and automatically judge it as imperfect, not enough, not worthy, not intelligent enough. I don't even give myself the chance to extrapolate on the idea, and to fully form the concept. I just immediately deem it not good enough, because it isn't perfect or earth shattering.

This deep set perfectionism and belief that I am simply not enough (not intelligent enough in this case), is hampering my movement towards graduate school. I know it comes from the years of abuse. There is a certain amount that is normal for people to experience, but mine is exaggerated because of those early years. My perfectionism was a coping mechanism, and still is sometimes. If I can be perfect, than no one will hurt/abuse me, no one will abandon me or think I am too difficult.

I want to get past this, so I can write. Part of me recognizes I am intelligent, that I have people that will confirm that for me. Professors from college that support me in the idea to go get my PhD, and to do what they do only better. I want to be able to stop causing little me so many issues because of the inner voices that still haunt me. I recognize these things are coming from me now, but that they are older voices of abusers and unhealthy family members etc. I am separating from all of those unhealthy people best I can, but I haven't yet gotten past this.

[sanmagic7]

since little el has more of a voice now, maybe she can help you with some of this.

have you ever tried writing with your non-dominant hand?   from everything i've read/heard, it accesses a different part of your brain, and often a younger part of you.  what if you let little el write down ideas for your paper?  she might come up with something that surprises you, and allows you to look at it with the wonder of a child instead of the insecurity of a perfectionist. 

just a thought.  and, intelligent??  indeed!  nuff said!   love and a big hug, sweetie.