Once Upon a Time (Trigger Warning - Death)

[Autumn200]

Whew.. where do I begin. I just need to get this out there,
I haven't seen a therapist or been on medication in years. I wasn't ready to heal. I wasn't ready to let go. I couldn't open up to anyone about it (unless I was hammered of course.) It hurt too much and it was far too uncomfortable. Today though, I am a different person than I was back then. I want to be free of this heavy burden I have carried around for so long. I self medicated all that time, I used alcohol to numb the pain and forget the past. I just wanted it to go away. However, I am just over 60 days sober now, and I finally am faced with dealing with my past. It has haunted me and I have carried around this burden for far too long. I am going to play it out like a story (I don't really know why, it just seems like the thing to do.) So here we go...

So there I was, (side note my heart is racing and my hands are shaking right now) sitting across from a very handsome twenty-three year old man. I myself was fifteen, but there was something there, it felt like a spark of magic. We talked and laughed and drank for hours. He was always drinking, the only time I can recall him without a drink in his hand was after he had gotten out of jail on his third DUI charge. That was the start of it all. I wish I had never gone to that wedding, I wish I had never gotten involved with him, He changed my life in so many ways, but the bad always outweighed the good.

My friends tried to warn me to stay away from him time after time. He was trouble, I always knew he was trouble, but I liked that about him. (Yes, I have daddy issues). We were always up to no good. Always, He would insist that he loved me, but he could never "be with me" officially, because he was afraid he would "catch a case" (or at least that's the reason he always gave me.) So he would date other girls and I would essentially be his "dirty little secret". But he insisted he loved me.

A year and a half. A year and a half of emotional abuse he put me through. But I loved him (sadly enough, years later I can still say that after everything he put me through, I will still always carry him in my heart.) He never let me walk away, he would beg and plead for me. I was so young and stupid that I fell for it every time. I am sure that he could have been clinically diagnosed as a narcissist. He was always manipulating me, playing on my emotions and breaking my heart over and over. But I loved him.
I couldn't walk away.

He was my first love, and my first time. Anything he wanted, I would do for him. It was sick, but I didn't know that. I thought he loved me. I still like to think that in his own twisted way he actually did, but I will never really know.

Then one night, it was all over. He was drinking that night (when was he not?). He made a terrible decision. I was there. I think my heart stopped beating for a few minutes. It seemed like a lifetime until the ambulance showed up that night. He died two days later in the ICU.  (I really had hoped I could go into the full story, I just can't bring myself to do that apparently.)

The weeks that followed were a nightmare. His family refused to speak to me. I was an outcast, although I had done nothing but try and stop the incident from occurring. I found out that the other girl he was dating was actually eight months pregnant. (I was so dumb all along). A few months later I wound up in a mental hospital, because the pain was too much for me I just wanted to die.

Flash forward to today.. I am happily married with two beautiful children. I finally returned to school to get an education. I am sober and I am getting through. But everything seems so much harder for me to deal with than it is for the people around me. I don't drive, literally never. I can't handle it. The smallest things cause me to melt down and shut down completely. I put on my happy "everything is perfect" face so that no one can see that I am falling apart. I have panic attacks on the highway, my husband gets so angry. I don't want to be like that, and I try to explain it to him, but he doesn't understand. When things don't go 100% smooth sailing, I fall apart.

I try not to overthink everything, not everything is going to kill me (or God forbid my kids or my husband.. I would literally die.)
So why does it always feel like the smallest thing is going to end it all?

I don't want to have PTSD anymore, I want to be normal and happy and function like a real person.

So there it is, as much of it as I can bring myself to type anyway.



I listen to song that remind me of him sometimes, I break down every time... I don't want to remember... but I don't want to forget.

[Rainagain]

Hi,
Sorry to read so much distress in your post, sounds like you have been carrying a burden for years and not been able to process what happened.
I had emdr treatment after something similar to what you saw, it was 10 years after the event but it still helped me a lot. It might be something to start you on your healing path. I wish you well.