let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

3 roses, that was adorable, made me smile.  we're all together in this, for sure, enjoying the ocean moment, like contessa mentioned.  thanks to both of you.

i can't wait to get the medical stuff going.  my poor body is so sick and hurting.  it's hard to concentrate on anything else, like recovery, when my physical being is acting up, acting out all over the place.  hmmm  . . .  acting out.  maybe that's my anger, like a rebellious teen, acting out.  geez, i don't even know anymore.  i think it's time to pound the bed and yell to myself.  otherwise i'm afraid i'll break open like a pinata.

i also haven't had time to think about the foods/spices i used to eat regularly, haven't had them since i got here, and that may be part of this as well.  sun. will be grocery day, and i'm stocking up on all that good stuff i left behind.  this makes me think that eating them on a regular basis might actually have been doing me some good.  i haven't had these joint pains before - inflammation building up?  could be.

strange to me to think something like food/seeds/spices could make such a difference.  well, not so much the food, but the others.  ok, i'll put this under the 'good realization' column.  of course, all the stress i've been under could have caused flare-ups as well.  ugh!  small, good steps, huh contessa?  ok, gotcha.  in the back of my mind is the fear that my landlady will kick me out cuz i'm too sick.  it's tickling my brain, and i know that isn't good for me.  i had to write it out, again, tho.  it's a lot of pressure.

i'm so mad at my hub for not following thru on what he'd say, and for going behind my back and getting himself into all kinds of debt cuz he knew that i'd tell him i didn't think it was a good idea.  so mad and so sad that i had to leave.  i would've been hearing all the time about how he didn't have any money - even more than before, and it had become nearly a daily thing before this happened.

all the 'i'm gonna do this' and 'i'm gonna do that' and never a follow-through.  dammit!!!!!!!  all the money i gave him or that he took and promised to pay me back and it never happened.  i am a stupid gringa.  3 husbands have now forced me out.  3 strikes and i'm out of the husband business.  certainly don't want another one. 

just did some quiet pounding, but it felt good to get some of it out.  there's more, i'm sure.  this is one of those small, good steps.  there will be more. 

thank you all for being with me.  love and hugs!

[Blueberry]

sanmagic, love and hugs as you settle down bit by bit in your new life, find your feet, find new people to trust. And as you have realisations about your past, painful ones. I'm so glad you're in a place where you feel you can do some quiet pounding. That's a good release.
Thank you so much for your kind, supportive and thoughtful comments on my threads while you're in a bad spot yourself. I really appreciate it. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  it's just all the upheaval that's gotten to me.  i got here may 12, which means i left mexico may 9.  i was making up my mind about my hub and leaving and packing all at the same time for the 2 weeks before that.  that makes 6 weeks of being upended.  all this, and my main goal is supposed to be as little stress as possible.  hah! 

ok, breathe, thank you wife2.  and thank you for your porch, and everyone else's contributions to making that a comforting, healing, and fun hangout space.  it has become my new safe place, and it's filled with what and who i love and want in my life.  it's good.

i'll get through this, i know, eventually.  you all have been helping me so much.  really.  more than i could ever have imagined.  thank you. 

[Blueberry]

You will get through this! I have faith in you. It's just you've been through so much in the last 6 weeks. No wonder it's taking a while for you to settle again. I think it would for anybody, not just us with CPTSD.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the faith, blueberry.  being sick just doesn't help.  i'm still recovering from the bronchitis, and i've had the runs for a month straight now - gross, but it seems my body is not reacting well to the stress of this.  i'm drinking electrolytes every day to make sure i'm staying even on that count, but my system just isn't liking this.  pepto bismol has become my best friend!

what a crappy post this is! 

[sanmagic7]

as i suspected, another woman.  i know her, she and he have known each other since they were in their teens.   i believe their relationship changed from feeling like brother and sister to something more.  she's the one who paid for his trip to watch the whales with her hub and other relatives.,  conveniently, there was no room for me. 

she's been lavish with him over the years, and i do believe that when this whole money fiasco went down, she, unlike his crazy wife who could only see the ramifications for the marriage, the lack of teamwork that he'd always insisted on, the sense of betrayal, and the disappearance of any kind of trust, the crazy wife who ranted and raved and called the whole thing stupid, called him stupid for going along with the whole thing, who cried and questioned why he didn't talk it over with her before hand (because i knew you wouldn't approve), who was aghast at the risk he'd put her money in, while crazy wife (me) was doing all this, she was, i'm sure, giving him tea and sympathy and a shoulder to cry on about what a rotten thing was done to him, and then his wife goes ballistic on him as well. 

he told me tonite that she's buying him a new bed, and is probably going to set up camp with her trailer in front of our house, rent a spot on the property so that he'll be getting money coming in.  very nice gesture on her part, to take care of him in his hour of need, don't you think?

it's just that, all these years he's referred to her as his sister (he referred to another woman friend the same way, called her little sister in spanish), until one morning he was on the phone with her and i heard him call her 'baby'.  that's what he always called me.  when i called him on it, he defended it, said 'it's just a word'.  somehow, however, i don't see a man calling his  sister of choice 'baby'.,  that's a whole different relationship.

her hub just left again, and, as they say, the timing is perfect.  it's an affair of the heart, rather than of sex.  so, i'm not sleeping tonight due to thinking about this.  it was inevitable, i suppose.  he'll have someone to take care of him, etc.  one more reason to be gone - i was interfering in their 'thing' that had hotted up tremendously since he knew i was leaving.  but it had already started while i was still with him.

i just want to sleep this away.  i can't stand it.  i know he's telling me this stuff like it's just all a good thing between friends.  i can feel the difference.  he fell today and i felt so bad, was so worried, believed he was hurting so much emotionally, but i don't know about any of that now,.  i'm all in a kerfuffle.  and i hate it, hate that jealousy raised its ugly head even tho i was the one that left.  what the frick is wrong with me?  all the reasons for leaving  were valid - you all supported me on that.  i hate that i feel like this. 

ugh!

[Wife#2]

  Here's a cup of your favorite warm beverage, and here is a brand new box of tissues. If the tissues run out, my shirt can hold lots of tears.

I'm so sorry this has happened, right when you've been feeling so vulnerable and in upheaval. Suspecting and having a thing proven are very different things. Suspicion can help you have the healthy anger you deserve to feel when betrayed. Having it proven, and so matter-of-factly, well, that cuts too deep for anger alone. That's the territory of soul pain.

The thing that's wrong isn't with you. Really. He excused this changing of the relationship in his own mind. He made those choices. You are paying the consequences. That's just one small part of why this hurts so bad. You tried communicating without it being 'crazy wife'. You tried everything you could. As my father wisely told me and my husband once (regarding my mother), do all you can do. If you have done that, then it's time to wash your hands and walk away, with a clear conscious. That's exactly what you did. This fault does not lay at your feet.

          The gang is all here, ready to help you move forward from this. It's a big blow and it'll take time, but you WILL survive even this. You WILL overcome and discover, perhaps for the first time, that you ARE loveable and worthy of love. 

We had a couple marry in my county a few years back. He was 85, she was 90. They were an adorable couple. They ARE an adorable couple, both are still alive and happy together. Maybe, for the first time in their lives! This I tell you to remind you that as long as you are drawing breath, hope is not gone. 

[sanmagic7]

well, i may have jumped the gun.  thanks for all your encouraging words, wife2.  his email this morning sounded very different from the one before.  i didn't have a very good night, but i was able to see that he does need help, and if she can give it to him, i'm ok with it.  i couldn't help him anymore.

so, it may not be as bad as i made it sound.  it was late last night, i just wanted to get some of those feelings out.  the jealousy thing was a surprise, tho, and something i didn't want to admit.  what i wrote him today is that i can't live with him, but don't know how to live without him.  so much sadness about this, so many tears. 

i'm actually not too worried about being alone, at least for the time being.  getting together with someone sounds like a lot of work right now.  too much sickness to bring to that table, but my primary focus is having a safe, quiet, stress-free place for this healing to begin/continue. 

and of course i'm loveable!  i'm a cutie pie!!!  lol!!!  just playing a little.  i'm just still on edge with all this.  it's been so much in such a short time.  eventually, it and i will even out.  yeah yeah yeah.

[Wife#2]

Roar said the lion in defense of her friend.

I'm keeping this tissue box handy, though. No matter what, there is the mourning of the end of a relationship. No matter what, we're here for you.

Fluffing up the cushions on the porch chairs and swing. Refreshing the drinks. Making sure the chalk bucket is easy to reach. And the sand buckets, too!

Just inside the door, for when the porch view has lost a bit of it's appeal, is a bookcase with cards, board games, books and videos.

This giant porch wraps around 3/4ths of the house. It's an old brown cedar shingle house. The rooms inside are spacious, just like the porch. Each room is lit in a different way. Some are bright and vibrant. Others are softly dim and peaceful.

I think I smell incense burning, it's a pleasant scent, wafting down from upstairs. The way it mingles with the smell of the saltwater feels spiritual.

I'll stop roaring my 'friend is hurting' roar.

I may not be able to give you the quiet space physically. But, the cyber porch and the cyber cedar house are available whenever you need.

[sanmagic7]

you're the best, wife2!  you set a scene of exactly what i need.  happily, i've found much of that where i'm living now.  it is quiet, there's a deck, porch swings, flowers all over the place, and, while the ocean isn't in sight, i can see miles and miles of trees.  it's quite good all around.

i love incense, too.  jasmine, i think, is my favorite.  and parcheesi!  i haven't played that in ages.  lots of card games - canasta, cribbage, hearts.  all the good stuff from my childhood that i enjoyed so much i still enjoy now. 

you have the best porch in the world, peopled with the best people.  hooray for wife2!!!  big hug, sweetie!

[Blueberry]

Oh yeah, let's get together on the porch and play parcheesi!

In the meantime sanmagic,  Please allow yourself to be, with all your feelings. Please don't condemn yourself.

[Wife#2]

I have Parcheesi at my house, too! My sister got it for my son and the pieces are big enough my husband can see and play. Hmm.... thoughts for IRL play with DS & DH this weekend.... Fathers day doing father/son stuff that we can all enjoy!

I love creating these images and helping everyone find the contentment within our souls, even if just for a moment.

My game box holds backgammon, life, monopoly - for whole weekends of fun, yatzee, cards for hearts, spades, poker, go fish, war, uno cards, battleship. The last two are late-in-life discoveries thanks to my wonderful stepkids. We had game night for many months until hubby got bored and oldest daughter would rather go on dates....

Now we can start that Parcheesi game... I claim the Green pieces! San gets to go first 

I am so glad that your new home has peaceful spots and quiet housemates. What a delightful change, maybe just what your soul needed. I'm wrapping you in a blanket of warmth, love, peace and acceptance. Just as you are, flaws and all, because to me you are beautiful and wonderful just as you are.

[Elphanigh]

You two make me so happy with all the games and happy images! Thank you 

I would love to partake, but you will have to teach me Parcheesi haha, I am great at battleship though I

San I am glad it sounds like things are going well. You have truly done a brave thing for yourself 

[sanmagic7]

i'll take the yellow piece, wife2.  i've played most of those games, just not backgammon.  never got into it.  wasn't particularly a gambler, except for a card game of my hometown called sheepshead.  that's my absolute favorite but hardly anyone outside my home state knows it.  you have set up a wonderful space to think about and come in out of the storm, so to speak, for at least a little while.  thanks for the acceptance.  it's wonderful that i can jump the gun about stuff and still feel the love.

elphanigh, of course you're welcome to join in.  i played battleship as a kid, loved it.  and parcheesi is easy peasy.  i'll teach you.  there is a red and a blue piece left.   and thank you for being you.

you all are the best.  i hope you know that.  wife2, did you ever take your turn in the middle of the circle?  i began packing right after it was kizzie's turn, and never got back to it.  i'll have to check it out one of these days.  i'm exhausted right now from the soc. sec. b.s. paperwork.  ugh!  see you all on the porch!

[Elphanigh]

Thanks, you two are the best 

I will take the blue piece, it is my favorite set of colors. Thanks for letting me join in on the images and your porch