let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

i'm so glad you wrote, berceuse.  thank you very much for your thoughts.  they are appreciated indeed.  each one gives me just that much more strength.  big hug to you, sweetie.

[sanmagic7]

i need to write this down.  another realization/question popped up in this whack-a-mole land of c-ptsd. 

i'm now wondering if i have an alter.  or more than one.  there have been occasions, both in the past and lately, where i've found myself in a situation and it seemed like my personality had been replaced.  my demeanor turned gray (i'm usually a very colorful personality) and my voice became flat.  i've also noticed another, different form where i'm very chirpy and, again, my voice sounds different.  too over the top, even for me.  doesn't fit with my regular personality.

once, when going for an interview to be an intern to become a licensed addictions counselor, something i really wanted to do (i'd already gotten all the educational credentials i needed, loved the subject - just needed to intern for a year and a half in an addictions setting), it was like when i walked thru the door to the interviewer's office, my 'self' stayed behind.

what took her place was this almost morose, no personality, gray presence who sat in the chair, answering questions in a very flat voice.  i noticed it, but could do nothing about it.  as soon as i left the office, my regular personality returned.  i wasn't accepted into the program, and i'm sure it was because of how i presented myself.

just last month, when answering questions on the phone before my mri, that same personality and voice came back.  my answers were short, abrupt, and i felt all gray again, with a very flat voice.  couldn't stop it while it was going on, but as soon as i hung up the phone, my regular self returned.

earlier this week, there was a mix-up in a t appt., - they were expecting me but i didn't remember making the appt.  i do remember feeling scared that this t who i've been waiting to see for a month was going to tell me to forget it, don't bother coming back, and i was talking in this falsely (for me) chirpy voice - 'o, i'm so sorry', 'i'm so sorry', 'i don't know what happened'.

now, i usually have a lot of personality, and a warm, friendly voice, but this was not that.  it was much higher than usual, and almost desperate sounding.  i've noticed my voice being different at other times as well.  i don't know why.  when i walk, i say hi to people i pass, but i've now consciously recognized that it's not always in the same voice.  i'm confused.

having another person who takes over is a brand new concept applying it to myself, but i can't disregard this gray person with the flat voice.  thinking of my upcoming t appt. (consciousness right now),  i've been wondering how to present myself.  like i have a choice of several people who might show up, which clothes to wear, what kind of message to send, what kind of personality to show her. 

this is seeming strange to me as i'm writing about it.  don't know if this is normal.  never had these thoughts about this stuff with any other t.   i guess i'll have to do some research.  i've never lost track of time or anything like that, which is what i've always heard about alters.  still, it's like i'm being possessed.  that's the only way i can explain it.  am i worrying for nothing? 

just had to get this out, start learning something about it now.  another facet of me to explore, i guess.  i just don't know.  if anyone has any opinions/insight/comments, please, i'd love to know what you think.  i've been in a lot of anxiety-inducing situations in my life, but this kind of thing hasn't been a regular occurrence just because i'm anxious/nervous. 

[Sceal]

Is it possible that they are letting you know they are here now because of how far you've come in your recovery?
Maybe it's a way for you to protect yourself in this new place of life? Could they be representations of yourself that you don't fully identify with, but are trying to let you know that they are still a part of you? I

I think it is important that you tell your T about this, your thoughts on it, your suspicions. And then ask her if she's "met" some of these alters before, or if she's suspected. It seems like you are making relevant discoveries about yourself.

I am not sure if they are alters, or not. I don't know enough of what that is like to give you an answer about that as I do not have any alters (that I am aware of). But I do hear voices, different kind of voices. Some kind, some not so much. Most of the time they just talk over my head, but I can communicate with them. And I know that's not the same thing at all, but I just wondered... Have you tried communicating with the grey, flat one, and the chirpy one?

How do you feel about it, besides being anxious? I hope I am not making you more confused, than you already were.

Remember to breathe.

[Blueberry]

san, there's a whole thread running on alters / littles / inner children here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7376.0 Maybe if you post there, you'll get more replies from people on here who understand the topic better. I'm too tired to write anything else.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sceal and blueberry.

sceal, this is a brand new t, never seen her before, so she doesn't know me at all.  i don't even know if or how familiar she is with c-ptsd (her bio said trauma and ptsd), alexithymia, and depersonalization.  i know the alexithymia is not normally well known, and it's played a tremendously huge role in my life.

blueberry, i'll check this out.  thank you for the link.  i appreciate it. 

hugs to you both.

[sanmagic7]

ok, quick entry.  my head is all a-flutter.  gotta go take a shower, am seeing a t for the first time today.  we'll see what happens.  i'm just gonna watch netflix till it's time to go.  wish me luck. 

[Blueberry]

 

[Wife#2]

Peace for your mind, friend, and hugs before you go to that appt.

[Sceal]

I hope it was a good first meeting.

[sanmagic7]

i have found what i've been looking for forever - a therapist who works like i do, both from the head and the heart.  finally, someone who will help me instead of harm me.  thank you, god.

[AphoticAtramentous]

i have found what i've been looking for forever - a therapist who works like i do, both from the head and the heart.  finally, someone who will help me instead of harm me.  thank you, god.

   

[Sceal]

That is so wonderful to hear! I am truly happy for you. 

[Wife#2]

Amen and Amen! You have deserved a quality therapist forever. To finally have one is cause for celebration! 

Love, kindness and hugs being sent your way!

[sanmagic7]

i am celebrating inside, altho i'm exhausted from the stress leading up to this. 

when i went into her office, the first thing i noticed was there was no couch, no pastel colors, no hotel pictures on the walls.  it wasn't like the offices of too many therapists i've been in.  i clutched my purse on my lap (never did that before - very protective gesture, protecting my gut, i believe) and cried as i began talking.  told her some of the story of the horrible therapist, some of it coming in whispers, crying, crying, crying.  she listened, asked a few gentle questions, made a few gentle statements.

i'd been telling her how i didn't trust therapists anymore because of all the horrid experiences i'd had with so many.  she made appropriate faces.  there was a lull.  out of the blue, she said 'i believe in magic.'  just like that.  and the world shifted, i knew i was with a like kin, said 'thank you, god', looked up to the ceiling, and put my purse on the chair next to me. 

we just chatted.  i have the sense that she was simply getting the feel of me.  at one point, i said, 'what do you want to do now?' and she took a beat, then said, 'i want to do more of this'.  direct.  her voice was strong but not overpowering, gentle but not that whimspery type voice that i can't stand.  it was sincere.  she told me she wanted to work with me.

i called my d when i got home, and i believe she cried with relief when i told her.  she told me that she was very worried about this cuz she was afraid that if it didn't work out, that i might be too tired to try again, what with everything else i'm dealing with.  i told her she was most probably right.

trust the magic.  it's always there even when we forget.  that's why the healing porch is magic.  it's one of our most powerful allies.  this was magic at work.  she told me she was honored to meet me a little ways into our conversation.  i asked 'why?'.  then she put it to me about what i've come thru to be there, to still be around, to still be looking for healing and resolution.  she said i was a miracle.  magic, indeed.

there's even more, but i'm tired now.  trust the magic.  aa, sceal, and wife2, thank you so much for your support.  i just love it and love you, too.  hugs all around.

[Elphanigh]

That is beautiful to hear, San. I love that you have found a therapist that can connect with you, and work in the same ways that you do. You defintely deserve someone so perfectly understanding, and one that honors just what you have made it through. It may indeed me magic. It fits your screen name perfectly. I have only more hope that she continues to help you with all that you need