let the healing begin

[Elphanigh]

Lots of hugs to go around I would love to join you three singing on the porch. Am actually a musician but singing is not my strong suit. Blueberry, I can't whistle either

[Wife#2]

When you can't find the light,
That guides you on the cloudy days,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Well you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

Soul Shine by the Allman Brothers. Lyrics from Metrolyrics.com. 

I can't sing in a voice that is pleasing to anyone. Still, I sing. It is a joyful sound, if a badly out-of-tune slaughter of the song I'm singing.

Friend, San, Let your soul shine. All of us will light our candles on the porch so you can find your way. Join us in weak or strong voice. Together, the good singers may drown our the untalented singers' voices, but we welcome that!

I can see us all gathered on the deep, friendly porch now. There is a swing on one end, a 'slider' sofa nearby, several rocking chairs and tables for everyone's drinks. The banister is wide enough to hold our candles in their repurposed bottle candleholders. It's warm, but not hot. The breeze promises rain later on, but we're not concerned. The porch is deep enough to protect us from rain, We each rock or swing as we all sing together, there is healing for each of us. The laughter is easy and gentle. If tears sneak up on anyone, the rest offer hugs, hands on shoulders, comfort. When the tears pass, we refresh drinks and begin singing again.

Join us, San. You are the bond that brings us all together on this porch. We are here for you today. 

[Contessa]

 

[sanmagic7]

i heard you all, and i'm here.  just got internet this afternoon.  it's been a whirlwind to say the least.  lots of sadness, culture shock - so very very different.  am still adjusting, getting over yet one more round of bronchitis.  will see a proper doc on the 23rd.  kill me or cure me - it's my last shot.

as difficult and stressful as it's been these past 6 weeks, i don't regret getting out of there.  i feel bad for my hub - i pretty much cleaned the place out when i left.  but i think he's being taken care of by family and friends, one woman in particular i don't doubt, so he'll be just fine. 

one more house i lost, i left my car, it's difficult feeling so dependent.  my d has been great, but she's got an injury, hasn't been able to work, and doesn't have her own car so she has to borrow one from one of her roomies who isn't working right now, either.  at least there's that.  we're going for breakfast and groceries tomorrow.

that's about all i can say about it right now.  it's good to be back here with all of you, tho.  hugs and much love.

[Candid]

One foot in front of the other, san. 

[Wife#2]

We're just glad you checked in and are ok. HUGE hugs, because cyber-hugs don't hurt cough-weary ribs! 

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad to see you check in It is good to see you back, and starting to adjust. I know you will make it and things will get to being better 

[Blueberry]

Good to hear from you 

[Contessa]

Yay San!

[sanmagic7]

last night the enormity of what i've done washed over me.  not a lot of sleep.  felt like my alexithymia returned - i knew i felt bad, but i think there are so many emotions wandering around beneath the surface, and i can't even identify all of them.

my go-to emotion, sadness, is definitely up front.  there has to be anger, but i believe i'm holding it back.  i used to be able to pound my bed 'at home', which is no longer my home, but now that i live in a house w/ 4 other people, i can't yell and scream and curse the way i want to, which was always extremely cathartic for me. 

someone mentioned in another post about deep growling that they used instead of the screaming stuff.  i'm thinking that might be a good idea, when i have the energy to get that anger up.  i know i have a lot to be angry about, but i just can't really feel it yet.

as to other feelings, i don't know.  getting all these bureaucratic paperworks in order is kind of taking precedence right now.  don't have time or energy for me, don't have the privacy i wish i had to just let it out.  i don't regret the move - i wish it hadn't been necessary.

on the other hand, something has been pulling at me to be near my daughter, and i've learned to honor that feeling.  the why isn't clear right now, but i believe i need to be here for the both of us.

candid, wife2, contessa, blueberry, and elphanigh, i so much appreciate the support, the singing, and the music.  it just brought a smile to my face thinking about all of us together on that porch.  it's a great porch, wife2, and thank you for making it available.  it's being put to good use, for sure.  and hazy, your wishes for good luck were heard loud and clear by the powers that be.  that trip couldn't have been made without it.

love and hugs all around.

[Candid]

last night the enormity of what i've done washed over me. 

I know that feeling! I'm still struggling with the decision to come back to the UK. More resources, more going on, but I feel like a dead woman walking. To say nothing of having put myself in a situation where FOO get reports...

my go-to emotion, sadness, is definitely up front.  there has to be anger, but i believe i'm holding it back.  i used to be able to pound my bed 'at home', which is no longer my home, but now that i live in a house w/ 4 other people, i can't yell and scream and curse the way i want to

As you know, I'm in a similar situation. I can feel my rage but not express it, and it's exhausting. I find no pleasure in anything, now.

i know i have a lot to be angry about...

You and me both, sister! What I'm finding now is it's almost impossible to talk to anyone other than H, and I'm starting a training course with a roomful of strangers tomorrow.   

getting all these bureaucratic paperworks in order is kind of taking precedence right now.

It's good to have something solid to focus on, I think. Time for you is when the house quietens down and you can reflect on the day, although I know that can be a mixed blessing.

it just brought a smile to my face thinking about all of us together on that porch.

I'm there now. Let's have a fire!

[Wife#2]

San,

Somehow, some way, you are going to make it through this. I'm especially glad that the inner you spoke up about needing to be near your daughter. I agree, those are the kinds of 'hunches' that are best to obey. So, even though you have gone from a noisy world to a crowded world (WOW, 4 adults sharing a house, sounds like it could be good and could also be crowded), this 'new world' will have more to offer SAN in her healing than the old.

My many hopes for my friend San: I hope the bronchitis is getting better, letting go. I hope the paper tigers settle down. I hope the house-mates are good people who are kind to you. I hope they accept you (and your funky, cool decorations) with good grace. I hope having a door to shut for privacy, yet people within 'hollering' distance is one layer of the medicine you need. I hope that the emotional stew brewing turns out to be a manageable meal instead of an overwhelming volcano.

And, Candid - I love the bonfire idea! Just off the front of the porch is a fire pit. I'll gather some driftwood (Of course this is near the ocean - a mythical ocean that gives us the soothing sound of waves with no threat of hurricane or mudslide). We'll have s'mores and we'll write down all the things that deserve to burn on to sheets of paper and toss those papers into the fire.

Hm, I've actually done that once. It was really cathartic. I just used a charcoal grill on my front porch, then cooked myself some grilled hot dogs (money was REAL tight). Maybe, I can offer to grill out for the husband and kids - and do my cathartic thing over the memories I've had come up and over the current frustrations life is throwing at me. Candid - you are a GENIUS!

And San, my sister of the soul - I'm glad that the new place feels more peaceful, even though it's also more restrictive feeling. I'm mostly glad you are in a safe place and near your daughter. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, candid, the fire sounds like an amazing idea.  i've always loved them, have been drawn to them, love to tinker with them.  what a great idea for our porch of togetherness, healing, and recovery.  i just love it. 

good luck to you for tomorrow.  let us know how it goes, ok?  all strong energy going with you, and a protective shield as well.  warrior spirit to the fore!

i also hope you can get to that anger.  i don't doubt it's part of what's keeping you stuck in a dark place.  best to you with that.

o, wife2, you nailed it, too, with the ocean waves.  ocean or lake, the crashing/lapping ebb and flow has always been soothing to me, much more so than a babbling brook or a waterfall.  i've also burned stuff with bad juju, and it's been really helpful.  there's something about watching the smoke from it fly up into the universe, where it will be taken care of for me, as it gets taken out of me. 

the bronchitis is getting better, thanks.  the antibiotics are finished, so now it's just a matter of getting more of my energy back.  that may take a few days, but i'm used to it now.

this is a very big house, the people are quiet.  3 have rooms upstairs, i'm on the main floor, and her son is in the basement.  i had a pretty long talk with her today about some of what's going on with me.  she wanted to know if there was anything that she needed to be concerned about, but i assured her it's not like i have a heart condition or anything.  it's all the other things.

i told her about some of my physical problems, how my legs slow down and i'm thinking there's a brain disconnect in messages to them after stress, and how i'm hoping that i get a ct scan to let the doc know just what's going on up there.  as usual, i'm a little nervous that i'm making it up about my brain being damaged.  it's always been good to get a diagnosis that there's something tangibly wrong with me. 

i know that may sound weird, but there's been so much time, so many docs, and so few answers.  when someone finally says 'this is what's going on', it is such a relief, a validation that i'm not making it up, that there really has been something wrong with me.  how ironic!  30 years of hoping they recognize a real thing that's been hurting me and my health.  i don't know what it means to feel healthy anymore.

anyway, i did tell her that with my adrenals, i need rest, as little stress as possible, and more rest.  she told me that i'm in the right place.   i think she may be right.  this may be my new home rather than some kind of low-income housing where i have my own apt.  still in the adjustment phase.  we'll see.

in the meantime, step by step, little by little (poco a poco in spanish - i always liked that phrase).  i need time, am still gathering info on what i need, what i have to do.  thank you my sisters of the heart and soul - sisters on so many levels, it's difficult to comprehend, but feels right.  hugs and love.

[Three Roses]

[Contessa]

Yes, small but good steps. Enjoying the ocean moment