Letter to my mother who is in the other room

[Blackbird]

I'm not angry, even though I ought to be. I'm in kind of a limbo between relief and constraint.

I want to talk to you about the harm your parents done to you, for you to become the person you are today. I can't blame you, I feel the same pain. I should blame you, if I take responsibility for my actions and I'm in fact mentally ill, so should you. But no, you blame everyone else. You're the perpetual victim. That's okay, you were the scapegoat. I can empathise with that, so was I. You needed to shine that same light on me, in order for some else to feel the pain you felt. You needed to belittle me, so you could feel the same sense of superiority your father felt when he manipulated you. I get it all. I'm not angry.

I'm hurt. I feel the pain my inner child feels, I can feel her inside of me asking why I wasn't able to protect her from all the harm that was done to me all these years. Why should I endure even more, and why should I sacrifice my future in order to give you the importance you in fact don't have? If I give you the tools to open my doors, you will open them. I don't, though. I tell you exactly what is happening: I'm growing beyond that. But it's hard. You play the victim, you play the cripple, you play the old person who can't be alone. And sometimes I fall for it, I admit. Sometimes I do get angry and tell you you're no longer the victim, that ship has sailed, now you're the perpetrator. You don't like it, you always tell me it's my fault, that I'm "difficult". Even though I do everything right.

I want to tell you that I'm not angry. That I know you only have depressive bouts when you're faced with the fact that you're just like your NPD brother, who hurt you and you hurt him back. You're both stuck on that cycle of abuse and tolerance for each other. I finally discarded myself from the middle of that situation. Others don't know, they don't do the research. They say "Oh you know them, they've always been like this. They love you." Lol. Love? I don't even know what that means. I know that what you show is not love, it's a mask. I've seen it too many times. I've seen you two without the mask. I know there is no love there, there's only a selfish need for appreciation. But, again, I'm not angry. I don't even pity you that much. I understand it, I'm in treatment for it. It's my responsibility to take care of myself.

Nowadays, you show a glimpse of remorse. But I'm not sure it is in fact remorse. You show more empathy towards the Bipolar character of Homeland than for your Bipolar daughter. Like the character is more realistically Bipolar. That doesn't even make sense!
You went to therapy because you were depressed, I took care of you. I arranged everything, from doctors to pills, to food, to groceries, everything. Not a thank you in sight... It's my duty, right?

But I'm not angry, you don't know any better. You live in your bubble of low self esteem, need to be pushed forward, validated, "superiorized". But you no longer have the looks of a beautiful young woman like you did, you can no longer dance and drink the night away like you did, you no longer feel comfortable in your own self. That's why the depression came crippling you. That's why I'm not angry. That's why I don't feel pity.

You showed me that it was possible to have a cordial relationship, as long as I put my boundaries in place. That is possible and has been working out. I'm proud of you for not inflicting more pain, even though you could. That must take a serious effort on your part.

Congratulations to your 63 year old self, you're growing up.

[Blueberry]

  I hope you feel better for this.

Thanks for expressing my feelings too, so eloquently and clearly.

[Blackbird]

  I'm feeling very motivated towards recovery today, Blueberry. It came pourring out! 

[Three Roses]

  

[Blackbird]

 

[Blueberry]

    
Even more so when I realised that your M is literally in the other room. I can't imagine how you survive, but you do. (As others do here too, but I can't imagine it for myself anymore).

[Blackbird]

Ah! Thought you understood at first

It's hard. We reached a compromise eventually, we both apologized to each other years ago and are doing our best to live with each other. It's not always easy, she can be pretty manipulative, but I deal well I think. Can't wait to regain my independence, though.