New Here--Dissociation, Panic Attacks, Daydreaming

[greendoor]

Hi,

I'm new. I am not sure if I belong here. I have just recently learned that my mom has BPD. We are enmeshed. I was raised to suppress my feelings, thoughts, and needs mostly for her happiness, and also the happiness of everyone around me. She was an alcoholic, with a horrible temper. Everyone at my house walked on eggshells. But it is weird, because when she is in a good mood, she is so fun and kind and supportive. But anything can trigger a bad mood, and when that happens I shrivel inside.

I am thinking that I have a problem with dissociation. For one thing, when my M gets upset and starts exploding, I shut down. Like a computer goes to sleep. I am there, I am awake, but I am not able to do much. I zone out. And then after, I don't remember much of what was said or what happened. Is that dissociating? I also do that in any situation where I feel scared. I was touched inappropriately by a family member as an adult and I just froze, like a deer in the headlights, couldn't stop it, couldn't do anything. Zoned out. Panicked.

I also think I disassociated in high school. I had a boyfriend violently assault me, and again, I froze and zoned out until the door was unlocked. I was terrified. Then, I was sick. Then I forgot about the experience for months. About six months after it happened the memories flooded back. I remember thinking that it was weird that I blocked it out, because I thought only victims of serious crimes would do that.

I also have a strange feeling that there is something else that happened to me as a child that I cannot remember. I have locations in my head that make me sick. I get the  heeby geebies thinking about those places, but I have no clue why. So I have told myself I am making it up and nothing happened. And maybe I am. But it is like I feel inside that something bad happened. And because I have other things that I have a hard time remembering, I think it is possible.

If my M were to get upset right now, I would tune it out and then afterwards I would either remember it or I would have a feeling like I can't remember something, but I am upset about something. Like I can FEEL like there is something I can't remember.

My dad told me tonight of a night when she threw me out of the house. I didn't remember it. He said, really? Then he told me how she threw him out after because he sided with me. So we were both kicked out of the house. I forgot about it.

I mean, people don't remember everything that happens. I don't know what I had for lunch last week, but don't you think I would remember a huge fight where my M threw me and my dad out of the house?

Every since I realized that my mom has BPD it explains EVERYTHING about how she is--she is super controlling, fearful, wants complete submission, gets mad when I don't share her opinions, thought polices me, terribly moody, I am either all good or all bad, she verbally abuses me, etc. All the symptoms of BPD. And I understand now why I am such a doormat. I thought I was nice and easygoing--but I was trained to be that way to please her.

So every since I realized it, I have been thinking of my past, and I started having panic attacks. I didn't know I was, It started before Christmas. And I thought I was dying. I kept thinking I was having a heart attack and about to die. But in my head I thought, "Well, I don't want to disturb anyone by saying that I think I am dying and call 911 or go to the doctor." So I just laid in bed freaking out and I realized it was panic attacks. I didn't die.

One more thing that I didn't think was connected, but I have been looking at the forums and I notice a lot of people daydream. I have done this my whole life. I imagine a world where I am who I want to be, surrounded by supported people. I usually have a recurrent "rescuer" theme. Someone who helps me or saves me from something scary. Could this be a way I have coped?

Anyways, I appreciate any thoughts.

FYI, thank you for taking the time to read my post, I know some of you have been though trauma and suffering much worse than mine. <3  Best wishes

[ricepen22]

You are not alone, thoughts are general symptoms, and common accuracies, they are horrible, but you are not alone. 

[Blackbird]

Hey greendoor. 

I also dissociate, have memory loss, panic attacks (not so common now, I've been taking antianxiety meds) and daydream a lot to supress the 'bad memories'

Me and my T always say "Thank God for dissociation! Where would I be without it?" It's a coping mechanism, design to protect you from more harm. When I'm confronted with certain things I zone out. *trigger next* I was sexually abused by two exboyfriends and in those two times I zoned out and dissociated, had memory loss and ended up continuing the relationships with them. Talk about daddy issues, right?

I'm fairly new to this as well, I recently had flashbacks of my father's innapropriate behaviour, and my mother's way of dealing wasn't that nice either, albeit not so terrible as my father's. I think dissociating is the only way my brain knows how to deal, I'm learning new coping skills in therapy. I'm not following the therapy style of Pete Walker, but there's a lot of good info around the site about it.
I'm doing another type of therapy my T says it's more appropriate for me, as I have other mental disorders that come into play.

About the daydreaming, I usually daydream a lot about rescuers too. Or good exboyfriends that I think I'm still in love with, and stupid stuff like that. It usually passes when reality of said relationships comes knocking. Or the current reality comes knocking.

You're definitely not alone. 

[Blueberry]

hi Greendoor,
With the symptoms you list it certainly sounds to me as if you belong on here, so welcome!   

You don't need an official diagnosis to be on here. You've been through trauma too. No need to compare yourself to imagined others on here with 'worse' experiences or trauma. It's a common symptom for us to downplay our suffering, because that's what our families of origin often did. I used to do it all the time too.

I dissociate, have memory loss not just about the trauma but every day things, like something I actually know how to do  - the knowledge or skill just disappears for a while. I used to have panic attacks in certain situations but that's much reduced now, just a form of anxiety now, not too pleasant but I can deal with it. Change came through therapy not medication. Doesn't have to be that way for everybody though. I do take anti-deps.

I also have problems with not being able to do very basic things when I 'shut down', like I'll be unable to do some basic computer skill I actually do know how to do e.g. recently how to scan a document. Or in daily life e.g. how to warm up some food in the oven, so I ate it cold.

I've been daydreaming for years too. Your daydreaming about somebody rescuing you sounds like a coping mechanism. It's great that you have this skill! I've done lots of imagination therapy, where I have helpers, but instead of people they are animals, mythical creatures etc. They're often really useful. They can go everywhere with me, if necessary and strengthen me, help protect me from others or my own fear etc. I think if you have this daydreaming skill about rescuers it would be possible to adapt that to imaginative beings who are loyal to you only, which would be a strength and resilience for you.

You're not alone  Hope to see you around the forum.

I love the colour green BTW