New Here

[Sundance]

Hello everybody,

I just wanted to introduce myself and maybe get some relief from sharing what I cannot share anywhere else...

Like most here, I suffer from C-PTSD. Diagnosed in my late 50s, after a million other misdiagnoses and years of therapy (first therapy was at 16 yrs old when I reached out to the school therapist begging for help)

I am the oldest of two, parents separated when I was 6yrs old. Mother NPD (I was the scapegoat), father absent, unsupportive and later on, disappeared from the scene (re-married and had two daughters while enabling his wife to drive a wall between them and us) now gone forever. Mother abusive at every single level. If you read about NPD mothers, I can check about 95% of their behavior. Neglect, gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse (the NPD way, so nobody notices)

I tried for so many years to "fix" the relationship. Hoping she would change. Therapists telling me it was my fault and that it was under my control.

Thirty years ago I moved far, far away... I was born in Buenos Aires... and I moved to the U.S. totally on my own... I had a first-cousin who let me live in his house for a few months with his wife who sexually harassed me (he did this to a lot of women) As soon as I had a few bucks, I moved away, never to see them again.

People do approach me to pick my brain (professionally - as somehow it seems that I see things they don't - I don't know, maybe they just want to get marketing advice for free) but as they do, they go away.

Never married. No family. No friends. I am realizing I am so scared that I want to control everything in a relationship (I just lost my biggest consulting client and he was triggering me big time - nothing was ever good enough, not enough hours for free - I felt like a slave)

Therapists say I present well, which is why I may have been misdiagnosed. I know I must have a lot of repressed anger (just like my levels of anxiety were so high, yet I look so cool) and I am certain I must over-react to others and this is why they leave me. I feel that nobody cares.

Is there a way out of this madness?

Sorry for bumming you out.

Big hug to all of you.

[Hope66]

Hi Sundance,

I just want to say 'Welcome' and it's good you're here.  Hopefully you will find this forum supportive and helpful - a place to come where people understand what you're going through - or at least relate in some way.

Sending you a 

Hope 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi sundance,
Welcome to the forum..
I find it so informative and supportive here with lots of signposts for recovery ..
Quote 'is there a way out of this madness' I do hope so..
I work to get out of it daily and it comes in layers recovery and slide back but always moving forward these days..
The relational part of recovery is what my last therapist said is the hardest for us .. I do get lonely in my life but I am learning to be more authentic and have compassion for myself ..
I wish you all the best here on your recovery journey .. Pete walkers resources are good

[mook]

Hi sundance, and welcome 

This is a place where you won't bum anyone out... it's a place where you can let go of the feeling that nobody wants to hear it, or they won't understand...

Presenting well is such a double edged sword, I do it extremely well too, and it comes from having a lot of strength to survive, the flip side being it's difficult for people to grasp just how much suffering is happening, even ourselves! it's taken my therapist 9 months to get me to see just how painful my days can be... bizarrely that's been such a relief in itself.

I get furious when I hear what past therapists plant in sufferers minds, you know it's not your fault now though right?

Yes... I believe there is a way out of the madness, the way I see it... coming here means you've already reached a better place... understanding takes the madness right down (at least it does for me, not being in a spin of "what? why? and how do I stop this") you are doing the work all the time you are talking about it...

peace.

[Blueberry]

Welcome, sundance! 

This is a very supportive forum and I've learnt so much in the few months I've been on here. There's almost always somebody who understands through own experience and if not that, then can at least empathise.

I used to present well too. What I heard from therapists was: "You're so intelligent and highly-educated! What more do you need from us??" What an inane remark, so not going back down that route now.

One T did say before I was sent to a rehab place, which tested my ability to function in the working world, that I did present well so I would have to make sure that I didn't in this rehab place. In a lot of ways it was clear to the Ts and counsellors / examiners in the rehab place that I couldn't manage well, but I added to that. I really rubbed their noses in it. I suffer a lot of tension and other problems when I write, especially the kind of writing you're doing for a job rather than on here. So every time I felt the tension build up, I said I had to take a break and go and sit outside with it.

That certainly helped swing it, that combined with my not finishing the computer test at the end of the rehab program. The one with lists of questions where you have to compare how you're feeling now compared to at the start of the program. I decided part way through "the he** with this", which I'd never dared do before. End result was: Blueberry is recommended for a disability pension for two years to heal in peace without added stress of professional work.

Oh no, now I've hijacked your thread. I hope my explanation and experience might be of some use to you. If not, the mods can move the main part of my post somewhere else.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to you Sundance      I see a woolly white dog in your pic, is that a Bichon and is s/he yours? 

I am another one who presents well, there are a lot of us here because we've had to do that to survive.  A part of me was strong and smart and capable, but there was another part that was frightened, angry, lonely and always felt different from everyone else.  I kept that mostly under wraps until I just couldn't anymore in my fifties. I had a whole bunch of stress and not enough energy to deal with it all, and started drinking really heavily (never drank much before that as my F was an alcoholic).  Anyway, I bottomed out, laid all my cards on the table finally to my GP and she referred me to a psychiatrist and an addictions counselor.  (Before that I had been diagnosed with chronic depression and took Prozac and a few T's over the years - didn't get far, just kept my head above water.)

Things have gotten much better through therapy and talking here, so imo there is hope.  We aren't defective or crazy as many of us arrive here thinking; in the face of ongoing trauma we developed a psychological stress disorder and  symptoms which are treatable.  I was in a very dark place and I'm not there anymore.  My symptoms have decreased in both frequency and intensity, and the trauma doesn't seem to pop up like it once did, it is more a part of my entire life and of my full self.

FYI - We have some info on finding a trauma T here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=106.0 including some forms and info sheets. 

Hope you find the forum helpful 

[Candid]

Hey Sundance and welcome 

I was diagnosed in my late 50s, too, as well as being the FOO scapegoat.

Pete Walker http://pete-walker.com/ is our main inspiration on this site. In his book From Surviving To Thriving he writes that misdiagnosis of CPTSD is very common. Been through that merry-go-round myself and am now very wary of psychiatrists, pumped-up buffoons that they are.

Neglect, gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse (the NPD way, so nobody notices)

Ah. You had a covert one, as well. It's the pits, isn't it? 'Therapists' telling you it was your fault should be lined up and shot, but the idea of your control is worth considering. You can't control your NPD mother but you can control how you act and react around her, what you'll accept and what will guarantee you leaving the room fast. Fixing the relationship so it's what you want... no. Never. Can't be done. The scapegoat's best role is defiance and defence.

I know all about the loneliness, all the while blaming yourself for it. Repressed anger has a way of leaking out via what Our Pete calls the Outer Critic. It's very tough to feel the way we do and that no one cares a damn.

But there's hope. There's certainly a way out of the worst of the madness. Talk, tears and time. The best talking is on the forum where you're guaranteed other people will get it. I've found that makes it easier for me to be relatively calm and uncritical with RL people.