Trying to understand it all *major trigger warning*

[Blackbird]

Sorry to be posting so much lately, I know others have issues too. I'm trying to clear my head until monday, when I have my therapist's appointment. (I promise not to start another thread tomorrow  )

I'm trying to understand chronologically how it all happened. The perpetuated idea that I was a happy child was shattered. Last week a friend told me I live in a bubble (for other reasons, mainly good reasons) and that got me thinking that I was in fact living in all sorts of bubbles. One bubble was putting my father either on a "poor guy, the misunderstood" pedestal, or the "it's all his fault I'm so messed up" doormat. Another bubble was that my mother protected me, and that it was the fault of my own bad behaviour that she was so harsh with me. Well, the bubbles bursted and I realized I'm in reality now. Both my parents, each in their own way, abused me. That's a fact.

When I started rebelling I became the scapegoat, too screwed up to be helped. Only when I became trully insane, in the true meaning "talking to myself on the street" insane, self harming and with suicide attempts, my sister forced my mother to help me.

My mother, then, began entering a guilt trip and fell into a great depression. I've been helping her, perpetuating a not so healthy relationship in my opinion. I value too much her opinion, she always has an opinion. There are endless stuff but I'll try to keep this short. While helping her, I have to help myself too, and my Bipolar Disorder.

A few months ago I gave up on my dream of having children, until I have my mess of a head in order, if it will ever be. I refuse to continue the line of abuse that's going on for generations on each side of my family. When I revealed this to my therapist he began poking around my wounds and mentioning neglect, emotional abuse and physical abuse. In the meanwhile, last week, I had memories resurfacing that hint sexual abuse from my father. My mother says I slept at his place when I was 5/6 years old, but I have no memory of that, and I remember perfectly lots of things from that time. It was the same period when I started crying, demanding not to be alone with him.

I realized, in order to not retraumatize myself, that it could be just inadequate behaviour and not exactly sexual abuse. My father was messed up, alcoholic, unmedicated bipolar, he had so many issues that it's impossible to count them all. So, I'm trying to remain focused here, I won't jump to conclusions. If memories resurface, than it'll be when I'm ready, and I feel that now I'm not ready. Either way, there was definitely innapropriate behaviour too triggering to mention here.

Then I became a teen. I started rebelling against my parents' instability and began being unstable myself. I had agoraphobia when I was 13, I saw a therapist back then. My father started having multiple hospitalizations, I saw him almost dying full of wiskey bottles unable to leave his bed for days on end until we found him, etc.  Then, I started drinking and doing drugs. I was kicked out of school, ran away from home, my mother coulnd't handle me, I went to live with my grandmother who was dying of Alzheimmer's. I lived there for three years and life became better, I didn't live with my mother's instability, but I drank a lot because I was lonely. School and grades were good, though.

I went back to living with my mother and things only became worse, at that time my mood swings were showing and I could be fine at one point and angry the next. She knew and liked to push my buttons and we had huge fights, some of which violent, when I would lock myself in my room and dissociate for hours in a fetal position, only to wake up hours later to her pretending everything was alright.

I finished highschool, my father died and I went to take a cinema degree. I was paying for it myself, and working. Hated my classmates and quit. My mother threw me out of the house because of the guy I was seeing back then. Had no choice but to go live with him, turns out he sexually, physically and emotionally abused me for three years. I kicked him out of the house, began a series of unfortunate relationships that didn't last more than a few months. Had my manic episode, ended up in the hospital, came to live with my mother again.

Now, she says she's aware of the abuses she put me through, that I wasn't easy to deal with though. I must agree that it is not easy to have a child with a mental illness, but still, throwing me out of the house repetedly was not the answer, all I needed was love and affection. I was crying for help!

She's in therapy now, and he's dead. I went NC with him the last few years of his life and he called me two days before he died and I didn't pick up.

I'm left with horrible symptoms, angst and anger. Will I ever be able to be safe from this? Will I be able to be free from her? Is it possible that I can have children and not be as horrible as them?

Well, thanks for reading and understanding. I promise I won't post much more.

[Slow River]

Hi Blackbird,

I'm new here, so I don't know all the rules and conventions, but speaking for myself, I don't think you have been over-posting. 

I got insight from your story because, although it is different from mine, it gave me some perspective.  Also, it is good to know that there are others who are around and active on this forum.

Here's a hug
We'll get through this.

[Blackbird]

Thank you for the hug Slow River    back

[Blueberry]

I come on here almost daily, Blackbird, and your posts haven't been hitting me in the eye or anything. So doesn't sound like you're  'over-posting', whatever that may be. I haven't heard of any (quantity) limits on posting here. If there were, i'm sure somebody would have told me by now   

to you.

[Blackbird]

Thanks Blueberry, I usually (on other forums) don't post this much. I feel overwhelmed. But finally had an okay-ish night's sleep tonight so I think I'm better equipped today to deal with the challenges.

I haven't been able to do much, this whole ordeal brought me down. Bursting bubbles!

[alchemist]

I think focusing on yourself right now and talking to your therapist about the things he brought up is more important than thinking about a baby.  Babies are A LOT of work and if you are in therapy, you cannot both take care of an infant properly and process deep memories.  when you are in a better place  and have processed your memories, dealt with them and feel good about yourself and your situation then  you can think of  having children or if it is too late to have your own, there are plenty of children who need homes and in your case it may be better to adopt given both parents' genetic propensity for Depression.