Starting recovery in my mid-fifties

[Quiet One]

Hello.

I'm in my mid-fifties, but only recently learned that I am dealing with CPTSD. It's taken me a long time to understand my symptoms, because I've never suffered physical abuse. I now believe that my depression, anxiety, and shaky sense of self-worth are due to emotional abuse and abandonment.

My parents had a very rigid set of expectations for me, which I couldn't meet despite trying very hard. Once I moved out, I married a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who at first appeared to love me for who I was. Over the years, he became increasingly controlling and I was never good enough for him, either. We had two children. At first, he seemed to be an excellent father, but as they got older, he began to subtly abuse them as well, especially the older one.

My children were approaching college age when I finally realized how bad things had gotten. The oldest and I were deeply depressed and struggling to function; the younger was getting spoiled due to being my ex's favorite. His toxic behaviors became more overt and I realized that despite his image as a great family man, he'd never loved any of us. I also realized he was sabotaging my efforts to be a good mother and help our children grow to be happy, productive adults.

After a few years' painful struggle, I divorced him. He moved out about 10 months ago and my children and I have been healing and making progress moving forward. We're working with an excellent therapist who guided me to learn about CPTSD. With her help, I realized that both my depression and my fear that I am somehow fundamentally unlovable started in childhood.

I'm grieving the lost years, but grateful for a good therapist and for the ability to feel again. Fear and sadness sometimes overwhelm me, but I'm also happy sometimes, in a way I haven't felt since early childhood. 

I'm also grateful to have found this community, because I have found that it is difficult to discuss any of this with anyone but my therapist. I hope to be a supportive member, though I'm also sometimes overwhelmed with the practical challenges of getting three lives back on track.

[Candid]

I'm grieving the lost years, but grateful for a good therapist and for the ability to feel again. Fear and sadness sometimes overwhelm me, but I'm also happy sometimes, in a way I haven't felt since early childhood. 

This sounds good. Oh, the value of a good therapist!

I'm also grateful to have found this community,

I'm glad you found us, too.

[Kizzie]

Hi Quiet One and a warm welcome to OOTS     I grew up in a covert NPD family and understand how subtle and yet traumatic and soul crushing behaviour like your exH's can be.  It took me a very long time to see, understand and accept that my FOO were abusive, but so glad I did even if like you and so many of us here it was in my 50's. 

Lovely to hear you have an excellent T, especially one who knows about CPTSD as many don't.   I hope being able to talk openly here is helpful in your recovery. 

[Quiet One]

Thanks for the kind welcome Candid!
Thank you, too, Kizzie, and I am so sorry you have gone through this too.  I keep telling myself that late is so much better than never, though. 
Regarding my therapist, she didn't know about CPTSD by that name. I found out about it by going from OOTF to OOTS, then read Pete Walker's book and shared with her. She is interested to learn more, but she already has a good understanding about how narcissism and other personality disorders can affect families and couples, and she has a very empathic, comforting manner. Still, it has helped me to have a name for this and read others' stories. I was feeling a bit like a freak reading advice about recovering from abusive marriages that said I'd eventually be back to my "old self"--because I don't have a healthy "old self" to go back to. This is more like a rebirth.

[Healing Finally]

Hi Quiet One  .  Thank you so much for your post!  Your story sounds a lot like mine, and it's so great that we all can commiserate together! 

I am so grateful to have found OOTF and OOTS too!  I am also in my 50s and it's only been in the past 6 months that I've discovered I have C-PTSD!  My therapist didn't know about it either!  I had to educate her as well.  I have struggled with feelings of non-worth FOREVER, and have all the symptoms including the emotional flashbacks that can set me off for days.

I also was raised by parents with rigid expectations, that I could never fulfill, and a blooming narcissistic younger sister who's needs were always chosen over mine as I would retreat to not cause issues.  Plus I was bullied for 1.5 years at a private school until my parents finally pulled me out.  I think that did the most damage, and set me up to be the scapegoat in all scenarios possible (I am doing everything I can no longer have that target on my back!)

I am so glad to hear that you were able to divorce your abusive husband for your sake as well as your children's.  Wow, you are STRONG.  Yes, it is like a rebirth!  So glad you are here, love to hear how things are going.   

[Quiet One]

Healing Finally, I'm getting all weepy reading your reply. In a good way, of course!  I am crying a lot more this year than I ever have, but it usually makes me feel better afterwards. Hugs back to you (I need to learn how to use all these emoticons!) and sympathies on the flashbacks. I still get them a lot but seem to be avoiding some and working through others.  That was where my therapist helped me learn about CPTSD, she recognized that what I was experiencing was similar to PTSD flashbacks and that it was related to my childhood, which led me to further reading. Anyway, here goes     I wish you all good things and hope we can keep healing together.

[Trillium]

Thank you for intro which is giving me courage to write my intro.  I am also mid-50s, female, recently divorced... more later, but thanks!   

Beth

[Candid]

Welcome to the forum, Beth. I look forward to getting to know you.

[Trillium]

Thanks Candid! 

[Quiet One]

Hi Beth. I'm glad my post helped you and sorry not to have replied earlier.  There's a lot going on right now and I didn't have time to check back in.
You are brave to have come this far. It's not easy to start over at this age, but I'm finding there are rewards.  May we all keep healing together.

[hello_kdot]

Hello, Quiet One --

Thank you for your posting. I just found this site and am also mid-50s and am also in the recovery process, as well.

Hello, and I hope you are having a good day today!

kdot

[Mpress Lisa]

Wow so many women recovering from narcissistic exH and families. I am also recovering from three abusive relationships, one was my ex husband of 15 years. It's a healing journey of self discovery and self love. Of embracing all the beautiful things that make us who we are as women. I'm glad to have just found this site as I feel quite isolated and alone. I have been raising my 5 children alone, with three still left at home. I recently had to give up work and my degree as I had a breakdown from all the demands which ignited all my past traumas. Thanks for all you inspiring posts. 😊

[Three Roses]

Hello to newcomers! I'm glad you're here. Thanks for joining