Yesterday I had flashbacks *trigger warning*

[Blackbird]

Hey everyone. I'm so glad I joined this forum, I've been reading a lot about childhood abuse and this forum has been a great help, reading your stories makes me feel like I'm not alone. So thank you for that.

So, these last few days I've been reading the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and I was nodding my head all the way through the various forms of abuse thinking I've gotten a bit of them all during my childhood and teens, identifying common patterns and my C-PTSD reactions to those abuses and how my T has been wonderful in helping me treat them. Anyway, when I got to sexual abuse I thought I might as well skip it because I was sure I didn't have it, but kept on reading anyway for curiosity. Then, in the first few paragraphs the author mentions parents who like to watch their children taking baths in innapropriate ages. Out of the blue I started crying and flashbacks came, a distinct memory of my father making me take baths and watching me naked. I became incredibly distressed, took my SOS diazepam and waited to stop crying. Other flashbacks came, such as my punishments being sitting on his lap with him caressing my leg and me terrified. Well, a big deal of confusion came with it. Was my mind making it up? Did I ever sleep over at his house? (My parents split when I was 3) I can't remember ever sleeping there, so why was I taking baths? All sorts of questions. So I decided, not giving too much away, to ask my mother certain things.

My mother, althouth emotionally abusive during mostly my teens, I guess because she couldn't handle a teenager and had to prepetuate the emotional abuse she got as a teenager, was responsive. She told me I slept there, but only when my grandparents were there also (The house had two bedrooms, my grandparents' and his) so I must've slept with him. I don't remember any of it. She said when I was 5/6 I started throwing fits and crying saying I didn't want to be alone with him. That I only agreed to see him if all the family was present, grandparents, mom, sisters, so forth.

The book says sexually abusive parents are extremelly jealous of their daughters' boyfriends, and my father wanted to hit me the first time I said I had a boyfriend. Then later, when I was 17 I told him about another boyfriend and he said he wanted to meet him to beat him up for taking his little girl away.

There are a lot of things the book says that make sense to me, especially since I can't remember and only have small memories that came to me during flashbacks.

Do you guys think this can be false memories? Or, because I'm treating my PTSD it's all coming to me now?
Well, the good thing is that I actually cried and let my inner child out for a few moments instead of hiding her and be angry about all that.

My T wants to wait until we talk on monday to try and define this with more clarity, but if I feel I was abused than I was and that's what matters.

[Candid]

Do you guys think this can be false memories?

I doubt it. Your flashback memories are very detailed, and he no longer had the sexual outlet of your mother.

Or, because I'm treating my PTSD it's all coming to me now?

That sounds more like it. The memories were repressed until it was safe to deal with them.

My T wants to wait until we talk on monday to try and define this with more clarity, but if I feel I was abused than I was and that's what matters.

I agree with your T. It's possible she's noticed signs of sexual abuse and subtly drew your attention to it.

I'm sure this is acutely painful for you, but I see it as a good sign that things are coming to the light.

[Blackbird]

Thanks Candid, I think the same about him no longer having a sexual outlet.

Damn this is so hard. I used to think of him just like a misunderstood crazy guy with a alcohol problem. I was the child closest to him.

I had another flashback, where he made me kiss him. No tongue, but usually when saying goodbye or something. My mother never thought it was serious, thought it was a thing we had. I hated it.

I'm devastated.

[Candid]

It is devastating to discover someone you loved and depended on violated a position of trust so horrifically.

[Blackbird]

It definitely is.

Thank you for the support, Candid. I really appreciate it.