The despicable little * who shouldn't have born, or my story

[Nevish]

I won't write this in a way it makes sense, I will put, when I remember, all the things that lead my psychiatrist to diagnose me with complex PTSD or formally on ICD-10 as

Enduring Personality Change After Catastrophic Experience.

The current ICD-10 includes a diagnosis of Enduring Personality Change After Catastrophic Experience (EPCACE) in the Disorders of adult personality and behavior section. This is regarded as equivalent to Complex PTSD.[3]

Code F62.0
"Enduring personality change may follow the experience of catastrophic stress. The stress must be so extreme that it is unnecessary to consider personal vulnerability in order to explain its profound effect on the personality. Examples include concentration camp experiences, torture, disasters, prolonged exposure to life-threatening circumstances (e.g. hostage situations - prolonged captivity with an imminent possibility of being killed). Post-traumatic stress disorder (F43.1) may precede this type of personality change, which may then be seen as a chronic, irreversible sequel of stress disorder. In other instances, however, enduring personality change meeting the description given below may develop without an interim phase of a manifest post-traumatic stress disorder.
However, longterm change in personality following short-term exposure to a lifethreatening experience such as a car accident should not be included in this category, since recent research indicates that such a development depends on a pre-existing psychological vulnerability." [2]:163

Introduction and physical abuse

My list of sins:

• I was born.
  
• I didn't submit myself.
  
• I didn't believe their lies, I refuse to play their games.
  
  

The family. One father, One mother. Three sibilings, my sister 3 years younger, my brother 3 years older, my other brother 10 years older. I don't know too much about my oldest brother since he went away when I was 6-8 and never saw  him again until I was 14, and it was for few minutes.

My sister. She was my mother's princes. She suffered emotional neglect and emotional abuse when I wasn't ''available'', she ended up developing a dependant relationship with our mother and borderline traits. My mother gave she love only when she wanted to, so my sister constantly was looking for it.
My 3 year older brother, was the perfect boy. He suffered emotional neglect and emotional abuse when not being perfect, ended up developing a narcisistic personality.
I don't know what my oldest brother place was.
I was the scapegoat. Everything was my fault, everything I did was evil, I only deserved punishment, I was a liar, I was born to destroy the family and my mother, according to her. The reality is I didn't play their games and resist to the point of ending up being hitten with a riding crop.

Until I was 11 years old, when I said what I thought, I was hitten, when I express feelings, I was hitten, when I did something my mother considered abnormal, I was hitten, when she was distressed by any reason, I was hitten, when I did something in front of her, even if it just was drinking water, there  was a chance of getting hitten with the riding crop without a rational reason.

Self control. I am stoic. I feel, only inside. You will never see me, I became a ghost who silently opposed to the family system.

Even if I was nothing, I still got hitten when my mother had a bad day at work, or without anything related to me, because if something bad happened to her, it was because I wished it to happened, so according to her logic I must be punished.

Every year I was in a different school, every time I told teachers, every time they called my parents, every time they punished me for making people think they were bad parents, and told me to be normal outside.

I had good grades, I was tested for giftedness, and was said I was profundly gifted. Teachers were worried about me being too isolated, but they never were too worried to do something about it since I had good grades and didn't bother them during classes. Later I was missdiagnosed with autism since I barely talked and didn't relate to other people.

My parents decided to go to another country when I was 11, and again when I was 13. I learnt the new language, and still was isolated, teachers thought it was because I couldn't communicate with my peers, until they found out I already spoke their language to a decent level, so I told them the true, and happened the same, always the same. They called my parents, my parents were angry because I made people think they were bad parents. That's all. Until... psychiatrist poped out, and became to diagnose me a ton of things I didn't have but were a result of the abuse, like depression or panic disorder, and ignored when I told them about the abuse. I reported my parents to the police, and was ignored, naughty child, you must have done something bad, was what they said. I hated all of them, I wanted to be safe, even if that meant killing them all. ''Kill them all to be safe, before they kill you'' it is what my mind says when I have a bad flashback.



[/list]

[Nevish]

Sexual abuse

There is not much to say, it when from I was around 3 to when I was around 9, by my father.

Even if I bleed, and I had to be taken to the doctor at 4-5 years old, there was not help. I only remember the pain, blood, and desperation. If I looked for my mother, she screamed at me to return to my room, and if I didn't she hit me.

So I learnt, pretty early, she would never protect me, she didn't care.


She only cared about her social status, that's why she wanted me to look normal to the outside world and stop telling things to teacher, ignoring my pain, causing more pain.

[Nevish]

I learnt from books, games, TV series... they were my masters and friends.

I didn't matter to anyone, even my 3 years older brother told me to be normal to don't hurt our mother.


But poetry understood me, science made me stronger. Knowledge is power.

Literature and science are my true parents.

Hatred was deep in my heart, and my fantasy was killing them before I got killed. I hated humanity, deeply hate them all... until I met kidness and understanding from another human being, a woman I even didn't know her name. It was short, but powerful enough, and with this and poetry I felt more human, and less murderous. It was when I was 12. It saved my future.

[Candid]

My list of sins:

• I was born.
  
• I didn't submit myself.
  
• I didn't believe their lies, I refuse to play their games.
  
  

Me too. All of that. Hooray for us!!

I was the scapegoat. Everything was my fault, everything I did was evil, I only deserved punishment, I was a liar, I was born to destroy the family and my mother, according to her.

That too. And first I stopped seeing her, + Dad because they were a package deal. And later my siblings stopped contacting me, too.

every time they punished me for making people think they were bad parents, and told me to be normal outside.

I know. That's what a scapegoat is for: to project all the family evil and dysfunction into, and then punish us for acting out.

''Kill them all to be safe, before they kill you'' it is what my mind says when I have a bad flashback.

Whew! That's heavy stuff.

I know all about the isolation, Nevish, and then blaming ourselves for it: I must be the horrible person my mother said I was, because no one seems to like me. Then I realised I had always isolated myself, and I'd done that because I was already convinced my mother was right, BUT it wasn't true! Now I can cautiously meet people and talk to them.

I'm sorry no one listened to you for all those years. We will listen here on the forum. 

[Nevish]

I know all about the isolation, Nevish, and then blaming ourselves for it: I must be the horrible person my mother said I was, because no one seems to like me. Then I realised I had always isolated myself, and I'd done that because I was already convinced my mother was right, BUT it wasn't true! Now I can cautiously meet people and talk to them.

I'm sorry no one listened to you for all those years. We will listen here on the forum. 

Thank you, .. I can relate to what your mother said. Mine usually told me I was evil and attention seeker, so any time something minimally happened I thought I was evil and an attention seeker. This is why It took me 1.5years to openly talk to my therapist, I thought he would believe I was lying for attention.

Thank you for the hugs, I give it one to you too, because what your mother told you was horrible too

[Kizzie]

I didn't submit myself.  I didn't believe their lies, I refuse to play their games.

It's interesting that our worst sins (in the eyes of those who traumatized us) is exactly what helped us to survive. My B was the Golden Child in our family and he developed NPD whereas I stopped short at CPTSD. I think it was because I was the Lost Child and then the Scapegoat and was subjected more to the negative side of them, it was clearer to me on some level that something was wrong with my family (although I went back and forth about who was responsible for decades). 

My B could do no wrong and it was that much harder for him to see their abuse and fight back on any level as I did (Just want to mention here I know not all GC develop NPD, but many do).  Anyway, I am grateful in a strange way that I was the SG