My Ugly Truth...

[woodsgnome]

The ugly truth is...I can't forgive myself. For things I don't even know was my fault in any way, shape, or form. I had some horrible things done to me, and yet I fell into blaming myself for so many of them--the 'if only...if only I'd done this, that, or the other' response took over. Fine, that only exacerbated the whole mess. Then I spent so much time trying to understand the abusers,but I'd already absorbed so much shame from them that I turned it on myself.

I'd like to say that's over with, as I've tied myself in pretzels trying to turn this around. What an awful loop to be trapped in. I've tried re-framing what's even meant by forgiveness, but it never seems to alleviate this trait of self-blame. If someone looks at me (this can be from a huge distance), I assume 1)something's wrong; and 2)it's my fault. Including if the person is smiling! I just don't know what trust is; never had it, how would I know? I've tried to 'just trust' and felt burned as often as it panned out. Then I blame myself for not knowing what I couldn't have been expected to know. 

It's along the lines of what traps we weave for ourselves. The expectation of something going wrong is pandemic with me. That's often the first thing that comes to mind; the next is that I'll mess up, do something that will tip the scale, then berate myself for a lengthy period. Sometimes it dawns on me, this self-blame where none is deserved; then it actually helps if I can laugh at myself. Sounds cruel, but laughing is only one step from crying; gallows humour, I suppose.  None of which helps, but it does comfort...a bit...'til next time...next guilt trip. Usually over nothing. I must be sickly attached to them; what a sorry mess is all I feel, over and over. If time heals, my clock remains stuck.

I don't even need the presence of another person for this--it's like I walk around permanently enclosed in a self-blame bubble. No person around? Maybe I'm lonely. If I am, surely it's my fault. It all builds and never goes away. 

It's the ugly truth, this self-blame leading to self-hate. Here's the worst part of the ugly truth--it may indeed be ugly but IT'S NOT THE REAL TRUTH! I know that, am getting better at recognizing it, and yet catch myself making 1,001 excuses for why the abusers did what they did right up to people who I feel wronged by today. It's horribly odd how I reach for some way to tolerate them, but I have zero tolerance for me.

Whatever will help, seems to last such a short time, then the loop closes once more. What a sickening prospect; a shame/blame game where I end up needing to forgive myself when I've done nothing worthy of such self-spite. As tiring as the blame trip are all the words, mantras, affirmations, etc.; the whole bit trying to dig out of the avalanche.

Blame--there, that's what I want to cut from my list of overdone words. Even blaming the abusers calls them to mind, when all I want is to cut all ties to them, memories included. Or when a memory pops in, to brush it aside as a useless time's done phenomenon instead of something that bids to destroy me now. Walking away from the blame game might even have a double benefit--no forgiveness word to get in the way, just put back in the box of pain, and left there. Then...bury the box; better yet--burn it.

I just want to be free. It's all that motivates me anymore. One caveat left--instead of thinking of freedom as a something-to-come future prospect, I'm sensing that I have a quicker fix--inside me. No blame there, just a willingness to allow self-blame to become self-love via self-compassion. Reminds me of the time my therapist stopped me and remarked: "you've said something good about yourself--congratulations!"

[woodsgnome]

Sorry, my perfectionist side reminded me of something that didn't make it into my rant/lament/whatever the above post was. So while I've been busy ramping down the blame game on all sides, it does seem like I've upped the anger and consequently the grief. I'd kind of tucked those aside before as something 'nice' people didn't need, but now I see them as necessary strengths, and am still consistent with my values of peace and dignity for the inner self I'd badly neglected.

Makes a lot of difference to access my natural anger/grief to release; one feels freer than lugging the guilt wagon around.

[Three Roses]

 

[radical]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I see anger as being an essential part of freeing ourselves.  There is so much trapped underneath, but it's not just about accessing the grief and other emotions and energy trapped  below.  For me feeling anger means it doesn't go underground to be turned against myself.

I read something powerful that spoke to me, and I've been trying to remember something about the author that would allow me to do a search that doesn't bring up thousands of options.  Ah found it:
http://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

There are not many articles that I can say can changed my life, but this series of articles did.  I needed to understand and respect anger, because it doesn't mean being cruel and destructive.  Being in touch with anger at every level gives vital information.  Repressing it saps energy, and also means that I have no self-defence.  People walk over me.  Worst of all, I turn it against myself in self-accusation and self-blame.

What helped most form this series was understanding the lowest levels of anger, where most people aren't even aware of it.  It takes care of a myriad of situations by automatically adjusting behaviour very subtly, with a leaning back, or a facial expression, a pause, a stop to reflect, an awareness of mild discomfort etc.  For me it is the difference between leaning in to  behaviour that makes me feel uncomfortable and encouraging it, and leaning away, at the lowest level.  It is not aggressive, it is more a pausing that lets another know (probably, often below their level of awareness) that you are uneasy, that some kind of line might be being crossed, allows another to adjust their behaviour, maybe take a step back, or tune in and be aware of your feelings.

The lightbulb for me, was that if I don't let my anger defend my values and personal value at the lowest levels, situations build and build as the transgressions get out of control.  I feel more and more powerless and, in the past, I've been unable to understand how such insanely dysfunctional relationships have developed, why disrepect worsens.  I'd look around at the same people treating others with respect and wonder what is wrong with me, and see it as being about my worthlessness. I'd fail to understand that I'm communicating that I'm worthless, that others don't need to take my feelings and needs into consideration.  I've spent so much time encouraging disrepectful behaviour towards me - rewarding it.

I doubt I'm expressing this well.  I can only say how this problem has affected my life.

The other thing that makes a difference to me, in the problems you describe in your first post, is conscious self-talk, mainly through journalling, but I'll have to come back to this, if you'd like to hear about it, because I've got a whole lot of things I should be doing.

  So glad to be travelling this path to freedom with you here, Woodsgnome.

[Blueberry]

 

[ricepen22]

You have unpicked a bit of the cloth that is your mind.
You have a direction.
Thats so hard to do. You did well.
And know you have a starting place.

Well done on your victory, because you have done something that is really hard.

That is hard work and probably what your abusers should have done. you are a better person then them and they can go ... (fill as you see apropreat)

You are strong and awsome and you have got this. 32 muscles to frown and four to raise a finger, and then walk off into the sunset.

[Candid]

If someone looks at me (this can be from a huge distance), I assume 1)something's wrong; and 2)it's my fault. Including if the person is smiling!

This made me LOL, woodsgnome. I know it isn't funny because I feel the same way. I even presume to know what people are thinking about me.

gallows humour, I suppose.

Yeah. It's good we can laugh sometimes, isn't it?

I walk around permanently enclosed in a self-blame bubble. No person around? Maybe I'm lonely. If I am, surely it's my fault. It all builds and never goes away. 

I know. 

One caveat left--instead of thinking of freedom as a something-to-come future prospect, I'm sensing that I have a quicker fix--inside me. No blame there, just a willingness to allow self-blame to become self-love via self-compassion. Reminds me of the time my therapist stopped me and remarked: "you've said something good about yourself--congratulations!"

Thank you for this. It takes time to overcome the self-contempt default, doesn't it? Practise, practise, practise. Treat ourselves as we would treat other people. But what good feelings when we do!

Can you now write a whole post telling us what's absolutely great about you?

[radical]

There was a line in a u-tube clip about trauma recovery.  I think you put it up, Woods. It has repeated in my mind for all the time since I watched it.  It is about the need for other people in our recovery.  The need to know that we can have lunch together with others, that we won't be lunch.  We've been lunch,  no wonder we are so afraid, eat ourselves alive.  How to find people to have lunch with?

[Candid]

I feel normal when I'm with someone or someones I like. Why are they so hard to find IRL?

[Three Roses]

cyber hugs to you, candid.

[Candid]

backatcha, Three Roses!

[woodsgnome]

In response to these posts about "my ugly truth" Candid asked me: "Can you now write a whole post telling us what's absolutely great about you?" Thanks; I'll give it a shot.

1. I survived multiple traumas and somehow a little candle stayed lit inside me. It's still lit. I visualize this candle as being protected within an old fasioned 'wind-lantern'. Made of brass or tin it has holes punched in its circular wall, so on a stormy day, there's enough air to stay lit without snuffing the candle; when the storm subsides, there's a little hinged door that opens and lets all the light shine out. So besides survival I have this visualization that's helped me trust that I carry that light with me and it's safe. Like picturing one's inner child--sure it's imagination, but it's why we have it--to help hold us together. Once I was called a dreamer for thoughts like these; now I cherish them even more.

2. Being open to creativity literally saved me at key points when all felt hopeless. These creative notions fit well into my vocational life (acting, hospice, pre-school work) as well as desperate situations around suicidal tendencies. One recent example was in response to my therapist suggesting I make a commitment to myself; she told me later she had confidence the creativity she'd noticed would rise to the surface when I most needed it; it did, was powerful, and led to a special ritual where I was able to make that commitment to self--it was hard, but likewise powerful and effective. With regular renewal, I hope I can build from what was an extreme low point.

3. In person is where my unique and deep sense of humour is usually noticed by others. Many have remarked on it. Usually what they don't see, and for sure don't understand, is the pain from which I somehow found and developed this talent. It's subtle but wild when it gets fully wound up; but it still has that bite if one realizes what I'm doing (I don't even always know!). I do know when it started--it was how I coped with the stress of being schooled in an awful way by hypocrites wearing religious garb as a screen to mask their foul abysmal behaviour. Sometimes I remember escaping afterwards but I only felt a sense of panic while the abuse was on top of me. Later on, though, in my mind I turned them into the buffoons they truly were. That sort of humour was crucial in deriving any sense of comfort. That sense of humour, and crying; so closely related anyway.

From the few who notice the dark places my humour is coming from (or if I've admitted it--only to someone I fully trust), there are times I've been accused of trying to hide behind my humour. Yep, and that attitude saved me back in the day, and I honour it. I've cultivated it, one might say. And thankfully I at least had that; sometimes my inner laugh muse is all that got me through; displaying outer humour, however, was always dangerous as an extremely vulnerable youth. How it happened that I could do that...nothing to figure, I had my protected candle inside, and that's all I need to know.

4. I have a heightened aware and sensitive nature, at least if I get by my tendency to dissociate and stay inside my bubble. The sensitive side of awareness can lead to hyper-vigilance, which can escalate into self-scrutiny of an extreme level on top of the external survey of potential dangers--real or imagined--I sense. Having listed the potential pitfalls, when I step back I think my high sensitivity is my greatest asset. Everything--the visualizations, creativity, unique humour, etc., seems to flow from it. The world needs more of it, and while at one time I'd be embarrassed by it, now I'm proud to know it as an asset.   

5. Despite being badly hurt by people calling themselves religious I recently realized they were mostly ignorant of their own religion's background and in their wild ego/power trip mucked up much of the beauty that can still be found within the religion's true core. Seeing through my 'holy' abusers, I'm now able to be more open to the spiritual beauty that does exist behind the mess of so much of what they did, and of how religion is badly represented by many. I'm learning, which leads me to consider...

6. I've retained an intense love of learning, not in a formal academic sense but what my heart leads me to discover. This has meant lots of reading, in addition to a love of music and other artistic renderings of the world's beauty, hidden as it often is.

While I don't set lofty goals, I did an exercise recently to identify my three greatest passions. I came up with learning, sharing, and just being. Of these, the first has been consistent, the sharing is problematic given my intense fear of people, and the just being part is reflected by my chosen life of peace far from the madding crowds. Some see this as avoidance; maybe so, but I know that when I chose to live this simpler way it was where I needed to be. Maybe it's something I won't continue, but odds are it will. I'm in a process of re-discovering what my heart's greatest needs will be going forward.

I suppose there's lots more below the surface, but those seem to cover the basics of tapping into "what's absolutely good about you". Interestingly, for those who've read Pete Walker's book or scanned his website, he lists advantages of each of the 4f types of cptsd survivors (fight/flight/freeze/fawn--I'm definitely a freeze)...the ones I've noted pretty much match what he said there, where he describes the 'freeze' assets as consisting of acute awareness, mindfulness, poised readiness, peace, and presence. It's fun, and important, for me to keep these in mind before bracing for my psyche's sudden lurches towards the inevitable pit-bottom mentality I can very easily slip into.

Thanks to all who've pointed out on this thread that we always have other options when re-framing our messy lives and the prospects for finally moving towards the dawn. As one song about that dawn says: "The trees shall clap their hand, the dry lands gush with springs, the hills and mountains shall break forth with singing! We shall go out in joy, and be led forth in peace, as all the world in wonder echoes...Shalom."

So seeing the good--yeah, I know it's there. Even when that candle dims and things seem hopeless when what I call the mental furies hit me full-on. Which circles back to where this started: I survived!

[sanmagic7]

you most certainly did survive, woodsgnome, and, even tho it's messy sometimes, you continue to survive, continue to learn, continue to share here, with us, which allows you to continue to be. 

i believe that as you continue all these important facets of who you are, you will also come to a place where you will be able to see the shame/blame/guilt demons through glasses of a different perspective.  you are making progress, of that there is no doubt.   you will get to where you want to go, step by step.   

[radical]

 

[Candid]

  woodsgnome!

Imagination. Creative outlet. Sense of humour! Heightened empathy. Awareness of Spirit. Love of learning. For you I would add: great communicator.

there are times I've been accused of trying to hide behind my humour.

Pshaw! Who are these accusers, and what shield do they use as they go through life, hmm? Finding fault with fun?

the sharing is problematic given my intense fear of people, and the just being part is reflected by my chosen life of peace far from the madding crowds. Some see this as avoidance...

There they are again, damn their nasty eyes! Why wouldn't we avoid hyper-critical folks like that? We've had more than enough!

As for imagination, if I couldn't imagine being all things bold and beautiful I would never know that experience, and that would be unfair I think. If I couldn't imagine conversations with various FOO, I wouldn't know how much my feelings towards them have changed over time. And although in daylight I can't imagine myself happily doing a well-paid job among good workmates, my imagination often presents that particular nirvana to me in the form of sweet dreams.

Our minds are precious. Our brains may well be criss-crossed with deep trauma-induced lesions, but mind is more than brain. What we constantly tell ourselves about ourselves is the double-edged sword we can use to rise and shine...