Self-Administered EMDR as a homework assignment- I am anxious

[JAA777]

Hello, I'm new here and this is my first post.  I've been in therapy for about 4 months- but a lot of that was spent dealing with suicidal thoughts.  My therapist isn't certified in EMDR and I don't have mental health insurance to go to someone who is certified.  He gave me the assignment to record my trauma narrative and then listen to it while tapping my legs (right then left) or listening to a metronome.  Then after a week I'm suppose to delete the parts of my narrative that no longer bother me. Then I think he said to record it again.  I'm not sure because I was in the middle of a limbic system fire storm during my last session.  He told me it was like I was only half there.  Anyway, it took me almost a week to talk myself into recording the narrative (I've never spoken any of it out loud, and he is the first person I've ever told).  Now I've listened to it twice.  The first time I tapped my legs but I noticed whenever it was the most difficult I stopped tapping.  Today I tried the metronome.  Now I am trapped in hyper-arousal mode, just anxious and amped up.  Does this seem like an ok homework assignment?  He said if I get suicidal enough to rehearse, etc. to stop.  That isn't happening so I'm trying to decide if I should keep doing this for another week until my next session or not.  I'd appreciate your input.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, JAA777! 

"He said if I get suicidal enough"?? That doesn't sound right. Honestly, nothing about this exercise sounds right to me. I would stop doing it and try to get grounded.

I feel upset that you were given instructions like this. EMDR is not done on trauma narratives. The client picks *one* event at a time. The therapist is there and can adjust (or stop) the bilateral stimulation as needed, and can help ground the client if they get overwhelmed.

Here is a whole page of grounding techniques, in case you need some: http://did-research.org/treatment/grounding.html.

[JAA777]

Mourning Dove- No, he didn't say "suicidal enough", that was my paraphrase. I don't remember his exact words but what I understood is that if the thoughts would go from passive to active I should stop the self-administered EMDR. Thank you for the grounding techniques. I feel upset too, I don't know what I should do about this and now I will probably obsess about it for the next week. It does feel overwhelming to try to figure out on my own what parts of the narrative don't bother me enough to be included anymore. The whole thing feels overwhelming but I thought that was just what I had to do- to push myself through it.  The thought of having this conversation with him is about more than I can handle.

[mourningdove]

You haven't done anything wrong. In my opinion, this was just a bad idea on your therapist's part. It sounds like he understands the basic theory of how EMDR is supposed to work, but doesn't understand why the protocols for it are in place the way they are.

Everything is going to be okay. I think you deserve a lot of credit for realizing that something was amiss. If you feel yourself obsessing about it all, then you are welcome to write about it here. There is no need to keep it bottled up. You are not alone.

Also, not sure if it is applicable, but you might find Pete Walker's "13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks" to be useful. http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

[JAA777]

Thanks Mourning Dove