New, Confused, and Frightened

[profchaucer]

Hello, everyone. I'm new to this forum. I'm new to CPTSD. I read an article in a magazine about it in hopes of helping a friend, but instead I identified with it. The symptoms mirror my experience too well. I haven't been diagnosed by a clinician, and am scared even to raise the possibility for some reason. Maybe I'll be told I don't have it, which means I'm just a depressed anxious person at my core. I'm even afraid to post this, but don't know why.

I'm struggling right now. I read the article on an airplane on Sunday, patterns emerged, and memories flooded back. Now I can't get numb. Anxiety is tearing me down. I'm a professor, and walking into my classroom has become terrifying. All the fear of being a 12 year-old and being bullied is rushing back in. I've had the screw-in-the-gut feeling of the anxiety non-stop since Sunday. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm going to end there. I'm sorry this post, my first, is so scattered. Writing is normally like breathing for me, but I can't organize my thoughts.

[Wife#2]

ProfChaucer,

Welcome to Out of The Storm. This is a website by and for fellow survivors of cPTSD. Many of us do not have formal diagnoses, for various reasons.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so very upset. Of course you aren't able to formulate ideas right now, your mind is swirling, hectic, frantic and trying to figure out WHY those childhood fears are overwhelming you right now.

I'm no psychiatrist, so can't help regarding diagnosis, and I'm not diagnosed myself either. But, what you're describing sounds very much like an Emotional Flashback (EF). They can be very real and very overwhelming, just like you're describing. You know you aren't 12 anymore, but knowing and believing can be different things sometimes.

The truth is, you've already survived whatever bullying horrors happened back then. These young people are NOT your tormentors. Still, I can say that until the cows come home. Until you begin to feel that reality, the fear can be hard to manage. BIG HUGS to you! You can make it through this. That's the good news. That's the part to focus on today. You are not alone. There is hope.

One of the posts on here talks about counting while breathing in slowly, then breathing out slowly and counting the same + 2. It helps reset the brain back to calm. Maybe you can practice this and give yourself a few deep breaths before facing each class?

Welcome. I hope you find us to be helpful and supportive and welcoming.

[Blueberry]

Welcome, ProfChaucer!
I agree with Wife#2, sounds like Emotional Flashback. I got these for a long time: feeling like I was dropping back into some child age. Wasn't always the same one. 

With or without a formal diagnosis you're welcome here, if it helps you in some way. I actually do have the diagnosis, but it hasn't always been this way. For a long time, I had a whole slew of other diagnoses like depression and anxiety. I see them as being some of my symptoms of CPTSD.

Another self-calming method: EFT Tapping, there are videos on the Internet, but also sometimes real live tutorials. My trauma therapist taught me how to do it. It helps especially in situations where you are frightened or anxious.

You are not losing your mind. I know, it's awful when it feels that way. But you're not.

This forum is very supportive and informative. I've made lots of progress since joining about 6 or 7 weeks ago. Good luck to you, and see you around the forum.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, profchaucer! 

Sorry that you are struggling. You might find Pete Walker's "13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks" helpful: http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, prof! Good to have you here. 

You may also be interested in Bessel Van Der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps The Score". He is one of the leading experts on the effects of traumatic injury on the brain. In hisbook, he discusses Broca's area, one of the speech centers of the brain, and how it goes "offline" during emotional flashbacks. Fascinating, informative and well-written. Thanks for joining!

[profchaucer]

Thank you, everyone. I've managed to calm down a bit, and this week has been better. I've been less anxious. That breathing thing works well. Now I'm finding myself putting pieces together, seeing patterns over the years in my responses to groups of people and individuals who triggered me. Building that kind of understanding seems to be helping wit making sense of my experience. I find myself struggling to know what to do with it all. At any rate, thank you all for your support.