New and Terrified - *Trigger?*

[Orbiter]

I'm not good at this. I'm terrified of making mistakes, of breaking rules. I'm scared I'll break rules here or say something wrong. I'm sorry in ahead of time if I mess up here. I don't feel comfortable even on the internet, and English is my secondary language. My biggest problem is a total lack of confidence in myself which leads to that I am terrified of speaking up. I've been conditioned into silence, made believe no one could care at all what I have to say, or what I think. I feel inherently ugly, not just on the outside but in general, just somehow rotten. I feel unwelcome no matter where I go. I expect any stranger, all strangers, to say something hurtful to me if I only give them an opportunity so I better not.

My home is my only safe zone where I can do some measures of relaxing from the constant hyper vigilance, and feel safe, most of the time. This has lead to isolation from the rest of the world and completely severed connections. I can't build friendships and leaving the house is a roulette of anxiety symptoms. I'm long time unemployed, I haven't finished high school and don't know if I ever can. I methodically procrastinate every troublesome thing to the last tick of the last available minute and then spend the entire way there stressed out about it, but somehow just unable of taking care of it. I do have one blessing in my life, my partner of almost 10 years. He's the reason I'm still here, but I don't treat him well enough. I try, I really try, but there's a depthless well of anger inside me that I struggle to control. I snap at him for little things, then apologize and feel terrible about it. I want to be better. He's shouldered our economy and survival over the years all by himself and I can't even get myself to behave.

I'm in my late 20's. My childhood went in a haze that I now realize I never came out of. Over a decade of on-off therapy, and no one figured out what was wrong with me, until now. I got my "diagnosis" about 3 weeks ago. I still feel like it sounds too "grand", to be validated in such a way but I started reading about it and I now know it to be true. It's a shocking mix of grief and hope, precious, precious hope that I never had before. I thought I was broken, crazy, attention-seeking... lazy and cowardly. Life was such a long march in darkness, trying to just make it to next day. Self-loathing, guilt and crippling doubt are my every day, leaving very little space for future plans. I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.

Now I cling to that hope, but it's a double sided coin. If I accept my lacking sense of self and "failures" as result of my traumatic childhood (good?), I am accepting also that the paranoid, dissociative thoughts were "wrong". In a way it's relieving, but it also means I've wasted 10 years achieving nothing, feeling disconnected from everything while other people just went on with their lives. I still slip right into the dissociative thoughts as soon as things get hard. I don't know how to stop it.
This is getting long and I don't want to make a wall of text so I'll take a break. I'm not sure what all counts as possible triggers to others, so I'll just add it up there for a safe measure. Thank you for reading and take care.

[shellbe]

Hi and welcome. You speak very well for English to be your second language. I'm sorry you are going through this but I hope you find some comfort in a proper diagnosis finally and allow yourself to grieve. It does get better the further away you get from harmful others. I struggle with feeling inherently bad too. Sometimes it helps me to look at other people and ask myself if they deserve pain or harm like I had received. My answer is always a resounding NO. Then I try to remember I am just like them, another person trying to make it who deserves kindness If I Do no harm and try to treat others well. It is hard to out talk that inner critic and that utter sense of Shame. It does get better. Be well

[Wife#2]

Welcome, orbiter!

You followed ALL the rules and did a wonderful job of explaining what's going on with you. I do think you are awfully hard on yourself. Yes, I don't know you or what you have done or not done. Still, part of the healing is forgiving yourself as well. As my husband likes to say, 'If you didn't know, you didn't know - that's reason enough. Now that you know, though, it's time to move on.'

So, how do any of us move on? Well, the tool box available on this website and on the Out Of The Fog website are both very helpful. Therapy is very helpful, if that is within your emotional or financial ability. This website helps many of us to sort things out as well. There are books, some available online, that can help as well.

You sound very motivated to make positive changes in your life. That is great! Just, please don't try to rush in and fix everything overnight. cPTSD took years to develop and it takes years to overcome, usually. This is a long journey, not a sprint. We'll be here to help you along your journey. WELCOME to you, Orbiter! 

[Blueberry]

Welcome, Orbiter!
A long time ago, I could've written a lot of what you wrote (except that I've never had a partner). From some of it, I have healed, or mostly or even just somewhat. So there is HOPE.

For instance, I used to believe I was inherently 'bad' right down into the marrow of my bones. When someone asked why, all I could say was: "I just am." This message of 'you are bad' was ingrained into me so firmly in childhood that it was almost like a physical feeling. Certainly it was through-and-through, as I said, right into the marrow of my bones. It wasn't true!! It isn't true!! It's just what my family of origin (FOO) led me to believe, for their own ends. That's the case for lots of us on here. You are not alone! And you will come to heal bit by bit like the rest of us here too.
This is a very supportive forum. I've only been here about 6 weeks I think, and I've made so much progress that's not just from therapy.

I could respond to more points in your post if I had time, and maybe I will tomorrow, but just want to say, for a second language, your English is excellent!! I live in a non-English-speaking country, meaning I'm immersed in the foreign language, and I still make some mistakes (especially when I'm tired, stressed or triggered).


 

[Kizzie]

Over a decade of on-off therapy, and no one figured out what was wrong with me, until now. I got my "diagnosis" about 3 weeks ago. I still feel like it sounds too "grand", to be validated in such a way but I started reading about it and I now know it to be true. It's a shocking mix of grief and hope, precious, precious hope that I never had before. I thought I was broken, crazy, attention-seeking... lazy and cowardly.

Broken?  Nope, just injured.  Crazy?  Nope, like the rest of us you have  trauma bank that contains a whirling vortex of emotions.  Attention-seeking?  Nope, you've been putting your needs aside. Now that you are speaking up it can feel like you are asking for too much.  You're not.  Lazy and cowardly?  Nope, you're here to work on recovering despite being taught to keep quiet.  That takes effort and courage so kudos Orbiter!   

And your English is excellent so you can post away without worrying about that 

[Orbiter]

Thank you all for your kind comments. In the depths of my dissociation, it has always been hard for me to understand and accept that there are real people on the other side of the words on screen. It's an uplifting realization and I'm very grateful.


@shellbe - Thank you, finding out what was really going on has changed many things positively but also brought so much sadness. Your technique in self-compassion sounds very constructive. I've tried to parallel my experiences to other people, and it has been the only way I've been able to see how devastating some events really were. I would never treat my own (hypothetical) children that way. The events seem so small when you put them out of context, like I tend to do. I look at the singular events, and tell myself "But that wasn't so bad, I was a troublesome child and my mother had it tough." I instinctively feel if I tried explaining the ways I felt mistreated, people would shrug it off as petty. I keep trying to see the whole picture.


@Wife#2 - I believe your husband is right, it does make a difference. Thank you for your welcoming and reassuring words. I've started looking through resources, right now I am in the middle of reading Trauma and Recovery. It's been wonderful reading so far. I also ordered a few other books on the matter. I would like to get therapy, and I am in a queue for the public side but they have very long waiting times, and right now I get to talk to a psychologist about once a month.

It's true, I am hard on myself. There lives a small voice in my brain that tells me no one will ever like me if I make mistakes. I know that it's unreasonable to expect to make no mistakes but I struggle a lot with shame and embarrassment. I can lie awake for hours, just "reminiscing" of those awful times I did this or that... So unproductive but I can't turn it off. Still, I will now focus on baby steps, the road seems so long. A part of me feels I should now be able to "just fix it" and gets surprised when I still feel just as anxious. -__-


@Blueberry - I relate to that very much. I guess I've always just been "the bad child". I never stopped being it, I'm sure they still think I'm the black sheep of the family. I feel like I was born with some original sin, something that had already from birth doomed me to be disappointing and no good. I draw strength from knowing that staying in contact with those people would have surely killed me. Some of them still have the nerve to send me Christmas and birthday cards, so holidays are always dodgy at best. My birthday is next week, and I've decided if they send another card, I'm going to break my silence. I hope they won't, because I don't know if I can do it. They've already ensured I'll never enjoy another birthday. Thank you for giving me hope, it sustains me these days. I'm glad to hear you've had such good experiences on this forum.


@Kizzie - Thank you for your warm encouragement. I do try to be brave, to have courage. I was told that being as terrified as I am of people and going out anyway, I am courageous. It's just really hard to stop nullifying myself or to give credit for anything I achieve. I'm trying to find my self-esteem somewhere in the ashes. Doing nice things gratuitously for others seems to help, so I try my best to spoil those I care about.


Oh and thank you, all, for complimenting my English. I toggle 3 languages in my daily life as I no longer live in my country of origin. It makes for a brain twister now and then, but English is my favourite. In the long years of silence, I mainly spent my time reading. I love words, you can craft them into beautiful portrayals of the human experience and boundless information. It's just that I don't really talk to people so I guess I'm insecure and worried about saying something weird or misinterpreting. You've relieved my worries.

Also I wasn't sure what would be the best way to answer everyone, so I did this. I'm not really good at doing quotes, more space for making mistakes. I considered splitting this into two posts, I hope it didn't get too long now.
I hope you all have a great day! 

[Wife#2]

  You did better than I often can!

No post is too long when it's what you need to say. I often post 'walls of words' and nobody complains. We've all been there and needed to do that from time to time.

I wish I could explain to you how extraordinary your talent is. Functioning in three languages is very impressive! Mostly, I want to let you know, and will keep repeating until you consider believing it, that you are welcome here. We are glad you decided to join and post. I look very forward to watching, and maybe helping, your journey.

[Kizzie]

Hi Again Orbiter - just wanted to mention that there is a birthday forum here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=214.0.  If you want to post about yours coming up, plse feel free as we all do get that special occasions can be difficult and can share about that. 

You may also get some lovely happy birthday wishes   

[Blueberry]

Orbiter, thank you for your long post with individual remarks to each of us!
You have a special way with words! I love this "I love words, you can craft them into beautiful portrayals of the human experience and boundless information."

I work with words myself and often feel very insecure, even in my native language. My bad memory and difficulty extracting the right word - due to trauma, unfortunately - don't exactly help. Here I make use of the fact that I'm not doing professional work and can right (yeah, I'm leaving this mistake for the * of it too)  what I like and make mistakes and write "lots of" instead of something more intellectual. That relieves me of some stress, or even lots of stress 

I can relate to much more in your post too. As you can see above, inserting quotes isn't my strong point. I could try, and I have in fact here already, but like for you "space for making mistakes". Yeah, making mistakes, the biggie trigger in my life.

Hope to see you more here! You've obviously got a lot to contribute and we're here to help you too.

[Candid]

As my husband likes to say, 'If you didn't know, you didn't know - that's reason enough. Now that you know, though, it's time to move on.'

Please thank him for me! And thank you for posting these wise words.

Off to look at the toolbox.

ETA: Umm... where is the toolbox?

[Wife#2]

Ummm.... over at Out of the Fog.  I kind of forget that part sometimes.

[Orbiter]

Hello again and thank you all for your replies. We have had a very difficult time this weekend so I've not been able to write sooner.


@Wife#2 - Thank you, again, for your kind words. I really do appreciate your thoughtfulness and perseverance. It seems this place is lucky to be filled with wonderful and generous people, like yourself. I'll try not to worry about writing too long texts, I've been pretty much counting words. I do feel much more welcome than I have in ages, anywhere.


@Kizzie - Oh, thank you for the tip. I think I'll take you up on that, it is always a difficult day in many ways.


@Blueberry - Thank you kindly. I too struggle with remembering, both in general and with words. Some words start so similar that I can remember three or five other words that all start the same, but have nothing to do with what I'm trying to say. Other things, well... Lists are my best friends. Shopping, chores, important dates and duties... I couldn't get by without a calendar and note pads.

I understand the concept of "relaxing" from grammar. It's unbelievable how much time can go into working and reworking the perfect sentence, to find the best way to accurately convey a message. It's one of the reasons I first started reading books in English. I must have been 13 or so. I wanted to know the actual words the author wrote, not just a translation. So much can be lost in translation, like subtle notions and subtext. But anyway, books and language, that's something I could drivel on about all day.
It does sound like we have a lot of things in common, and I look forward to having many more conversations.  Also, a huge hat tip to defying mistakes and the monstrous power they hold over us!