Some of my childhood sexual abuse - TRIGGER WARNINGS

[Blueberry]

I posted this, and more, somewhere else today, so I'm copying it in here too. I've edited it a bit because some of it's not necessary on this forum in the sexual abuse section - everybody on here probably understands more than where I last posted.

It just finally came out so I guess it's time for it. Also when I think it might be useful for somebody to know in order to protect a child, I can be more outspoken about it. Here I'm probably speaking to the converted, so to speak, I mean those who wouldn't abuse and don't need to have explained what it all is and could be.

TRIGGER WARNING  through to end of post !!!


I'm a woman who was sexually abused as a child by my mother. Not just me, my brothers were too. I saw it happen on various different occasions. My M has an unhealthy fascination with buttocks, and children's ones are the easiest to reach, I guess, and children least likely to be able to defend themselves, especially when brought up to not do so. Adults are right, children are wrong. Though I did try to defend myself as a child with the remark "That's mine." but M not subtle enough to understand that.
There were looks, there were steadfast gazes, there were hands down the back of (under) pants, there was gloating and oogling over own or other people's children being "spanked with their pants down", there were words related to these activities some in this sentence, some not, spoken in a really creepy way, there were really weird remarks sometimes where even the other members of my family looked bemused and or taken aback at these remarks, and I was trying my best not to disocciate (though I didn't know the terminology at the time).

There was more, but I can't write it. All in this semi-subtle way. Some people say: that doesn't sound so subtle at all, whereas others discount it, even therapists have discounted it in the past.

Years later before the first grandchild appeared, I told my siblings, I warned them. I didn't want this stuff to get passed onto the next generation. My sibs both said they could accept that this was the way I felt but they had no memories of it whatsoever and "we will protect our own children as we see fit, butt out".  A lot of denial in my family. And even with emotional abuse, beating up etc a lot of nit-picking over what's 'real' abuse, and what might have been provided by my over-active imagination    , or dreamed up, or maybe I was convinced by some T at some time 

I've been dealing with this topic on and off in therapy and/or counselling over the last 15, no wait, worse, 20 years (often the emotional or physical abuse/neglect have taken precedence) but these past couple of weeks I'm finally back on this topic in trauma therapy, putting it on the mini-screen behind all sorts of magical reinforced tinted glass so that nothing can get through to me. They call it confrontation with the trauma in this country. 

I remembered too during the course of the day why I was worried deep down inside about posting some of what happened to me (or other children in my M's vicinity) on here: I've come across other survivors who on hearing what I went through said pretty unfeeling things like: is that all that happened?? i.e. not enough, doesn't count. I'm in a stronger place now though. I can think to myself "YES, that is all, and it was quite enough!"

I know this isn't a judgemental forum, so these remarks won't come, but those comments from the past have left their scar too.

[mourningdove]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Blueberry. 

i believe you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you, mourning dove.

[Hope66]

I am also really sorry this happened to you Blueberry - I believe you and I hope you feel ok after writing about this, as I know it's a major thing to do.  Well done for doing so. 

I felt such a whoosh of emotions reading what you wrote, because I feel that I can relate so much to things you've said - I can't say more than that at this time, but I just want to send you a hug  and hope you are ok. 

Take care of yourself,

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I believe you, too. Our society is so good at minimizing sexual abuse! We don't want to acknowledge it.

Sexual abuse is anything, anything, an adult does for their own sexual gratification to a child or in the presence of a child.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You should have been nurtured and protected by the very person/people who abused you & others who turned a blind eye. How painful for the little child that was you! And then to have your pain invalidated is just adding insult to injury. So sorry, Blueberry. 

[woodsgnome]

Some of what you described of the m was too eerily similar to my own experience (thanks for the trigger warning). But even without that resemblance, these definitions of what constitutes 'true' abuse and what's better/worse/ etc. are dangerous in their total lack of compassion and understanding for all abusive behaviours. In fact, that lack of compassion is an unnecessary burden piled on top of the other scars.

It's very fragile territory, this who and how to tell part of one's private pain. But it seems to help if one can find a way to do so. I hope this telling has helped you in that regard as well.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you 3Roses, Hope and Woodsgnome for your compassionate responses and hugs. And 3Roses for the definition.

Hope, I did feel pretty OK after writing it. That surprised me quite frankly, but I wasn't complaining. Getting responses from all four of you on here helped me to feel OK in the upcoming days too. Helped me feel validated in a topic which remains difficult.
   
  to you all too.

[jennyjenny]

Blueberry,

I really appreciate your writing this out. I cannot tell you how much of this I ALSO experienced. Some of it I didn't, but the vague sexualized abuse that was not overtly sexual and "only on the butt" (thats me saying that) I also experienced. I also spent at least 15 years trying to "figure out if it was abuse or not."  I now know 1000000x percent that it was. 

I learned (from T and professionals and books on the subject of healing CSA/ incest) that all it takes is for a child to get a look - one look - and since children have access to their raw emotions, they know what is behind the look - and that's it. They get the same after effects as children who 'got it worse.' Now I still am grateful that for me, it wasn't as bad as I've read and heard about other people - but it STILL AFFECTED ME in many of the same exact ways.

I appreciate you sharing these details, they really really really helped me very much with my own experiences, and remembering them and while I was reading your story I felt how much I trusted myself and how much I trusted your description of it as exactly how you feel it was. I'm sorry you experienced that. 

I hope for you that you are able to validate yourself on this topic soon! I can say from personal experience at least that feels great, to be able to validate myself in this particular subject / area, and it feels really great. (even though having to deal with it in the first place is definitely not great).

[Blueberry]

jenny, thank you for your validation and compassion. I'm sorry you experienced something similar. You're the first person who's ever told me they experienced it first-hand. Other people in the past have told me they've seen people doing this sort of thing, but that's not quite the same as experiencing it.

Are you able to write more about children having access to their raw emotions? Not necessarily about CSA, just in general. That's a new idea for me though possibly if you explain it, I'll immediately know exactly what you mean.

[jennyjenny]

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you so much for your message. I am not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into here? I do not mind going into detail - but I want to be appropriate 

I think maybe since the title of the thread says trigger warnings already, I can go ahead and write more specifically here?  I'm happy to - I will just need to know if that is allowed?

Regarding children having access to raw emotions - just meaning, simply that children are present in the moment. They have not yet learned to live in the future or past etc. Kids are innocent and typically honest. That would be the same inside for them as well. Every time someone was inappropriate with me - I knew it didn't feel right before it happened.   I guess that is what I'm saying.   We KNOW when something feels 'off' in another person as a kid. We just know it. I think that is what I am trying to explain about kids having access to raw emotions. Kids don't stop to think "wait, maybe he didn't really mean it that way." Kids just REACT. (reacting = raw emotions).  Does that make sense?

Regarding me being the first person to say it's happened to me, I only met one other person who it happened to.  I also never really thought about that before - either that, or it's been so long since I've accepted it for what it is (validated myself) that I forgot

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I am so proud of you for sharing all of that. Writing it all out and recognizing it for what it is can be truly difficult. I admire your strength and willingness to confront what happened. I am sorry you had to go through that and that people have minimized it. Sexual abuse of any time is traumatizing and you should be validated and believed. Know that I believe you and am sitting there with you while you confront this all. You are not alone Blueberry. I am so proud of your bravery

[Blueberry]

I am not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into here? I do not mind going into detail - but I want to be appropriate 

I think maybe since the title of the thread says trigger warnings already, I can go ahead and write more specifically here?  I'm happy to - I will just need to know if that is allowed?

Regarding children having access to raw emotions - just meaning, simply that children are present in the moment. They have not yet learned to live in the future or past etc. Kids are innocent and typically honest. That would be the same inside for them as well. Every time someone was inappropriate with me - I knew it didn't feel right before it happened.   I guess that is what I'm saying.   We KNOW when something feels 'off' in another person as a kid. We just know it. I think that is what I am trying to explain about kids having access to raw emotions. Kids don't stop to think "wait, maybe he didn't really mean it that way." Kids just REACT. (reacting = raw emotions).  Does that make sense?

About detail: you're right, the whole thread is labelled sexual abuse and trigger warnings so that's a pretty strong message. You can also add *** t w **** in the middle of your post, especially if you start out with not much and then go into some more detail. If the mods think it's too much detail or somebody reports it to them as being too much, then they might delete or change a bit. I think that's OK especially when you're new and still learning what's acceptable here or not. It's not a disgrace or anything if you write too much so long as you don't do it continually.

Thank you for your explanation on raw emotions, I understand now.

[Candid]

Blueberry, I feel both sad and angry that your mother did this to you, and truly saddened that significant people have minimised it or said you were making it up.

It's one thing to be abused by our mothers, quite another to find that what feels like the whole world doesn't care. How can we trust and move forward in a world like this?

[Blueberry]

Thank you, Candid. Validation is very important for me, and just simply being heard and being told that I'm being heard.

Yeah it was pretty brutal in inpatient therapy when I wasn't believed after all. But that is a long time ago now, and I really am making a lot of progress with posting about this topic and not dissociating. All you at OOTS make this possible, at least in part!

[Candid]

just simply being heard and being told that I'm being heard.

That kind of validation is sadly lacking IRL. We need to show our wounds.

I'm glad you're getting more T sessions. I have faith in you!