Trigger Warning- I want to be believed

[LucyHenry]

I don't care how long ago it was or how young I was or how much I don't remember or that the perpetrator is deceased. My feelings are valid.

***Trigger Warning

My mother's friend's boyfriend (who later became my stepfather) took me under the bridge near my home several times probably starting when I was 2 years old and I don't know what year it ended and I was sexually assaulted multiple times and in various ways with objects and penis in my mouth and vagina.

I hid in my closet under my blankets when the perpetrator was coming. As a young child I drew pictures of figures with penises and got upset and tore them up and threw them away. When the perpetrator became my stepfather, I locked myself in my room all the time. He called me a slut and said all kinds of horrible things about me. I ran away to another family member after a physical assault. When I got a boyfriend and tried sex at age 16 I was not physically a virgin at all. I've suffered nightmares. I can't emotionally handle sex with men. I like sex with men and women, but it's less scary with women. I fear I screwed up big time marrying a man, but he doesn't want to divorce me.

I am not bad. I'm trying to convince myself that even though there are obstacles I will recover.

[Three Roses]

Lucy, I know you are telling the truth. I believe you.

I'm so sorry that you endured such abuse from the time you were so little. You should have been nurtured and protected.

Memories that are partially there or even totally repressed can come back. I had lied to myself and repressed the memories of my childhood for so long -but about 5 years ago the blinders came off. I'm now 60.

Survivors of abuse usually repress memories, rather than invent them. I hope you find a therapist who is informed in treating trauma, healing is possible!

[Hope66]

Hi Lucy,
I just wanted to say that I believe you too, and I feel so sorry that you had those experiences.  You helped me so much with your reply to my post about my own experiences of sexual abuse, and I want you to know that you have the potential to do anything you want to do in life, and I am so glad you've found this community - I hope you'll find it has supportive and helpful as I have. 
Sending you a virtual hug - if it helps. 
Hope 

[Max]

Hi Lucy,
I believe you too.  You are right that it does not matter how long ago it was. In fact, I believe the longer it takes to find someone who listens and can help the heavier the weight of carrying it gets. It does not go away unless it is recognized, validated and dealt with.  I had repressed memories too, always there and unknowingly affecting me every day with the emotional abusive messages that it leaves.  Especially as a child, who has no understanding or words and tends to internalize it as if it is them that is the problem.  This is a huge lie and heavy burden to put on anyone.  Until my memories made themselves known decades later in a visual flashback did I know to get help.  The best thing I did was find a professional counselor.  Also reading lots about CPTSD and trauma in general so I could understand and work on healing those serious unseen but very real injuries.  The worst thing is to not be believed, for it not to be validated and for it to be kept in the dark with no one talking about it.  I believe our society has much to do with that, which is not only very harmful to the victim, but also protects these sick twisted humans to continue severely harming helpless innocent children.  The children carry it for life in so many ways, while the perps go to the next child. The perps end up with more protection then the child.  Hopefully one day that will change.  Sorry, if this is too heavy a message and getting side tracked.  Yes, you can get healing. Put you first and take care of you.     

[LucyHenry]

I appreciate everyone believing me. We all deserve that.