Disclosing some of my childhood sexual abuse - Trigger Warnings

Started by Hope66, March 28, 2017, 06:33:59 PM

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Hope66

I am going to be brave today and talk about my sexual abuse that happened to me as a child.  It's a big thing to acknowledge that it 'was' sexual abuse, but I think and know that it was.  What concerns me is how I could go all those years and not acknowledge it properly.  But better now than never.

I feel the need to share the details, as part of my progress towards healing, because it's been featuring in my head for many years, and it's only recently that I've been able to really acknowledge that it IS abuse. 

***Trigger Warning***
When I was very little - possibly about 4 years old - but I really don't know how old I was, my Dad wanted to play a game with me, when noone else was in the house, and he wanted to place his big toe and foot in contact with my vagina - by sitting me on top of his foot and for him to stimulate me there.  I did sit on his foot for a moment, but I told him 'I don't want to play that game Daddy' and he stopped - he told me not to tell my Mum about it.  I never did tell her.

He had a book which was wrapped in brown paper and I think it contained explicit things about sexual stimulation and I think it talked about touching young children - but again, I wonder if my memory has played tricks on me, and that such information wouldn't be there - but I know there are such things as paedophile rings who shared information back in the 1960's and 1970's, so it's possible.

As a teenager he used to touch me inappropriately by grabbing my boobs or pinching my bottom, or putting his hand out when I was going to sit down, and grabbing at my bum.  He humiliated me when I was reading some teenage literature which had something sexual in it - in that he read it out and ridiculed it.  He wanted to buy my panties, and I wonder if that was him wanting to have control on such a personal item of clothing.

When I was about 12 or 13 years old he and my Mum had me sitting on a rock in a lake with no top on - and they were taking a photograph of me like that.  I had long hair, but I felt very uncomfortable - and some people came walking and saw what was happening and they made a fuss, but my Mum and Dad said it was none of their business what was happening there.  I can't be sure of my age, maybe I was younger.

I think my Mum must have been complicit in this, as she never stopped him from doing these things - and I never talked to her about it, as I somehow knew she wouldn't protect or believe me. 

I remember when I was little and one of my friends told me that she used to sleep with her knickers on in bed, and I thought - that's a great idea to wear knickers in bed - I wondered why I'd never thought of that.  So that makes me wonder if my Dad had touched me inappropriately in my bed when I was little, but I don't know as my memory won't let me be sure of things from when I was very little.

I still get triggered by people's feet being near me - because of how feet invaded my space - and I don't wear skirts of dresses very often - preferring to wear trousers and jeans.

When I was a young child, I used to say I had an 'aura' around me, which was a way of trying to get some interpersonal 'space' and keep people from invading it, and there was a period of time when I used to spend time in a long box - hiding away in the dark, so I know things weren't good in my little world - to make me resort to doing that.

I feel so sick when I think of the impact of this on my life, and how I've kept this in for so many years - but there were reasons for that - it's complicated.

But - I feel it's good that I am finally 'talking' about it - with someone - with you - anyone who is reading this.  My partner knows, some of my friends know, and I did talk to a therapist once - and she helped me to make the break to be estranged from them.  That was a big step and I'm glad I've done that.

This makes me tearful and upset, but I am glad I've finally written it down.

Thank you for listening.

Hope  :)

joyful

I'm so sorry Hope. I'm so sorry that such awful things happened to you. You didn't deserve any of that.
I'm proud of you for writing it and getting it out. I have not been brave enough, but you're courage is inspiring
QuoteI feel so sick when I think of the impact of this on my life, and how I've kept this in for so many years - but there were reasons for that - it's complicated.

But - I feel it's good that I am finally 'talking' about it - with someone - with you - anyone who is reading this.  My partner knows, some of my friends know, and I did talk to a therapist once - and she helped me to make the break to be estranged from them.  That was a big step and I'm glad I've done that.

This makes me tearful and upset, but I am glad I've finally written it down.

It's alright to be tearful and upset, and to mourn and to grieve. Take your time with it, go as slowly as you need.
I'm thinking of you Hope. Please take care of yourself  :hug:

Wife#2

Hope, I agree, you are very brave. This was not easy to write and you did it anyway.

You were not at fault. You were innocent. You ARE innocent. What those parents did was wrong. What they chose to allow was wrong. I'm so sorry you didn't have the parents you deserved.  :hug:

Blueberry

Hope, you are very brave to be able to write so many incidents all at once. No wonder you are upset about these things.  :hug: from me. I can't write more.

Hope66

Joyful - thank you so much - I read your reply yesterday and I was tearful - but it was because I felt so validated by what you said, and it really helped me, so thank you. 

Wife2 - thank you so much - it means a lot to hear that I wasn't to blame for what happened, as there are so many confused messages, feelings, and thoughts which accompany my experiences, and I've struggled to make sense of them over the years.

Blueberry - thank you so much, I feel really supported by each and every one of your replies to me - somehow I felt a pressure to express my feelings and put it in the open, rather than having it hidden away and repressed.

It's really helped.  But I found it strange when I re-read what I wrote today, that I feel dissociated from it, as if it happened to someone else - when I wrote it yesterday, I felt more connected.  I guess that's normal - I do dissociate a lot of the time, but I am being more in the moment sometimes too - and beginning to process feelings in a better way.  I think so anyway. 

Some inner critic thoughts came to meet me yesterday as well - but thankfully I have pushed them aside, and decided I have a right to talk about my feelings. 

Thank you to you all for replying and making me feel supported, validated and cared about. 

Hope  :)

LucyHenry

I'm sorry these things happened to you. Your memories and feelings are valid. You are an amazing person capable of whatever you set your mind to.

Hope66

Hi Lucy,
Thank you so much for your reply, and I really appreciate your kind words.  They mean a lot.
Hope  :)

Hope66

Further Triggers on a Bank Holiday.

I haven't posted in this thread for a while, and I probably should start a new one, but I feel more comfortable to keep this together here, so I hope that's ok.

Last night, I watched a programme on TV that I'd taped, and it was about children in a school – about 7 to 8 years of age and how the teachers were trying to treat them the same – i.e. not discriminate on the basis of gender. 

Many things triggered me during that programme, and it brought up a few memories for me, and I just wanted to share them here, as a way of 'getting them out of me' and seeking 'validation'. 

In no particular order (Trigger warnings – as mentioning child sexual abuse at times):

Being told in primary school that I couldn't wear trousers.  However the headmaster of that school tended to put his hand up my skirt whilst he was talking to me, and twiddled with my knicker elastic or rubbed the back of my legs and sometimes my bottom cheeks.  Felt uncomfortable.  I never told my parents about this.  But I've always thought this wasn't right.  I think I was only about 5 years of age at that time.

Another school, as a 12 year old, the teacher would play with a zip on my cardigan and pull it up and down.  That felt inappropriate too – but I never said anything about it.

When I was maybe 10 years old, and was playing on my bike in a country area and I met one of the teenage boys  – he grabbed me and tried to kiss me in a rough way that I really disliked– I struggled against him and broke free.  I ran away, cycling as fast as I could.  I never told my parents about it.

In addition to the game my F wanted to play with me when I was very little – I struggle with how old I was – I could have been anything between 3 years old and 6 years old...?  He wanted me to sit on his foot, with it in contact with my vagina.  I told him I didn't want to play that game, and he didn't pursue it, but I have always felt bad about it.  There was another occasion when he was washing my hair – and I remember that my feelings as a child were 'He REALLY loves me!' because he was drying my hair in a very tender and loving way – and yet the 'adult me' realises that his breathing was 'funny' and I actually think that he was in a state of sexual reaction when he was doing that.  It disgusts me to think of that now.

I've never told my M about that – but the fact that they BOTH were taking photos of me whilst asking me to sit on a rock in the middle of a lake, when I was maybe 8 to 11 years of age – that was so inappropriate – it makes me wonder if my M knew what he was like, and condoned his behaviour.

They both used to tickle me as a small child when I got into their bed with them in the mornings – but it was not nice as they tickled me in places I felt they shouldn't have – and they often used to laugh when approaching me with their feet, because they knew I was scared of the feet coming towards me. 

As I write this, I feel very 'silly' and I can feel my inner critic telling me I shouldn't be writing about this, but I want to 'get it out there' so someone can know and I want to say 'It wasn't right'. 

I find Bank holiday weekends more challenging, and I feel so much more triggered this weekend, but I feel glad to have written this down.

I am going to be kind to myself this weekend, and try to do some relaxing things. 

Hope  :)



Three Roses

Those realizations can be devastating. They challenge our view of our value and standing within the family and larger community. (Or at least my own revelatory realizations did for me.)

You are very brave to be looking at these, in my opinion. Working toward a solution or a deeper understanding is very difficult and takes a courage and strong belief in oneself. You may not feel brave, but I think you are!  :hug:

I know what it cost me to have these realizations and recovered memories. I'm still getting back on my feet after remembering some lost memories and fleshing out the others I remembered but only foggily. It took a friend urging me to try therapy "just one more time" (there had been many unsuccessful attempts at it before) and I'm thankful I got a therapist who is actually helping. (Although I still wish he was trained in things like EMDR or SE as these are things I'd like to try.)

Huge kudos to you, brave Hope!  :applause:

Blueberry

Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
(Trigger warnings – as mentioning child sexual abuse at times):

However the headmaster of that school tended to put his hand up my skirt whilst he was talking to me, and twiddled with my knicker elastic or rubbed the back of my legs and sometimes my bottom cheeks.  Felt uncomfortable.  I never told my parents about this.  But I've always thought this wasn't right.  I think I was only about 5 years of age at that time.

Hope, it was not right. Totally und utterly wrong. This is the kind of thing M did to me and my sibs and in fact other children. Whether we / other children were wearing skirts, trousers, or in the case of babies, nothing at all. It is totally inappropriate from anybody towards a child. Whether the child is 1, 5, 12. Some people seem to think it is OK ??? (or decide it's OK if family members do it).   It's not. I want to validate that for you. Standing beside you with this. 

Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
They both used to tickle me as a small child when I got into their bed with them in the mornings – but it was not nice as they tickled me in places I felt they shouldn't have – and they often used to laugh when approaching me with their feet, because they knew I was scared of the feet coming towards me.

Standing beside you with this too, though tickling was not one of the things my FOO went in for. But enough parallels to this. They laughed because as a small child you were scared  ???  :'(   My FOO laughed at me and my pain, whether physical or emotional, but especially the emotional. I've been told this is sadistic behaviour. What happened to you sounds just as bad.

The fact that you didn't (presumably couldn't) tell your parents about all those other incidents you've written here speaks volumes.

Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
As I write this, I feel very 'silly' and I can feel my inner critic telling me I shouldn't be writing about this, but I want to 'get it out there' so someone can know and I want to say 'It wasn't right'. 

I know, I often feel very 'silly' about saying / writing these sort of incidents too. But I can tell you, as I'm not so capable of telling myself, that you are not being silly! These were instances of sexual abuse, with emotional mixed in. The fact that some were more covert than what people think of as CSA (especially when our generation were growing up), doesn't make it less grevious, in some ways it makes your and my situation even worse. It may take us far longer to speak up, and when we do, some of us are discounted. I was. By Ts and some fellow patients too. That's quite a few years back. But it's still hard. When I needed to tell my present T, I did it partly in writing and gave it to him to read, and parts I managed to say I could only tell him by looking in the opposite direction from him. That just goes to show how hard it still is, although I have often talked and written about it in various contexts, have been doing so for a good few years now. Being discounted by Ts: 12-15 years ago. Not now. But it remains a really hard topic to talk or write about.

I didn't comment on all the incidents, so on all: they were awful, that was awful what happened to you. I'm really sorry.  :hug:  :hug:

Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
I am going to be kind to myself this weekend, and try to do some relaxing things. 

Sounds like a good plan! I hope you manage. I'm not good at that. Sounds as if you're better at it.   



Hope66

Thank you again Blueberry - I really really appreciate what you said - it means such a lot to know someone understands and really 'gets it' - and I know that you do.  Thank you  :hug:

I will come back to this and re-read it - but I just wanted to thank you for your reply. 

Hope  :)

Hope66

Hi 3Roses,
I think I am dissociating a bit, as I feel a bit 'high' this evening - if that makes sense, and I completely didn't see your reply to me - earlier in this thread - the one before Blueberry's - I would also like to thank you for your reply - I will pop back tomorrow to read back and process what I wrote earlier and what you and Blueberry have said in reply - as it's a lot to process - but it feels so important to me at the moment to really 'look at this side of my life' - in amongst everything else.
Thank you for describing me as 'brave' - I do relate to that, as it's been a scary area for me, and one I've avoided for decades.
I'll hope to pop back tomorrow and re-read things. 
Thank you  :hug:
Hope  :)

Blueberry

You're really very welcome, Hope. I'm just glad when I comment on here to somebody and it helps them, which is usually because I 'get it'. I often leave replies for a while without answering at all while I process them, so no worries on that score.  :hug:

Oh, yes, and you're very brave! Agree with 3Roses there.


Hope66

I felt the need to come and re-read this post again, and also the replies from everyone within it, and it's got me crying - but I feel sure that's a good thing, and I realise it took me quite a while to come back and re-read - because essentially CSA is a difficult thing and I know I've 'avoided' addressing issues for most of my adult life - specifically relating to CSA. 

The more I think about it, I think that I must have been younger than I thought I was - when I thought the events took place - i.e. a very small child.  My memories of being a teenager - they are correct in terms of time - but the initial abuse could have happened as young as 2 years of age?  I find this awful.

I partly felt the need to return here to re-read what I wrote because my partner commented today that he thinks that I am 'protecting' my parents (FOO) and that I often minimise their behaviour to me - he is clear that they have done things that he feels are NOT RIGHT - and he points out to me that I sometimes try to look for 'reasons' why they would do that - rather than condemning them for inappropriate behaviour.

Trigger warning TW...
My sister believes they are literally 'evil' and 'controlled by the dark side' and she also thinks that they are 'sadistic' - I've not been able to go so far as to think those things - but I can completely understand why she thinks they are sadistic, as she's relayed to me some things that they did to her which were cruel and sadistic.

Blueberry commented that the fact I never told my FOO (parents) about some of the other incidents I experienced from teachers was very telling - and I agree - it meant I couldn't go to anyone to talk about what was happening to me - I felt alone with noone to confide in.  My sister was away in a care home - for much of our early childhood, and she left when I was 8 years old, and she was 16 years old and could choose to live somewhere else. 

I realise that I feel the need to write a letter to my sister about some of those feelings - which I won't send to her, but which I think I need to 'get out' and I'll hope to do that in the other part of the forum regarding 'letters'.

But that's for another time, as I've said a lot just now, and need to step back a bit and process in a safe place.

Hope  :)