my story. trigers. long. just want to write it.

[Luna Lovegood]

my mum has schizophrenia. I had difficulties. by 3 I had not spoken. I ignored people. mum thought I did not love her. the voices said to kill me. I do not know how many she tried.  I remember being in bed. when she comes with a knife. dad grabs her and fights her to stop her. she hit us with a stick a lot. hurt us in other ways. 
at school I was bullied. a mean teacher used to drag me by my arm. and hit me. she let other kids put me in those metal bins face first. my arms got tiered. then I got forward in the rubbish. when I was 8 they said to my mum. I was retarded. I was not.  I just could not talk yet like other children. I started to get much more good at it at the next school. a very good teacher. and a very good special needs teacher.
my brother was expelled from 2 kindergartens. then asked to leave 2 schools. for violence. he was mean to me also. I could not tell what was happening to me. we think maybe my brother is a sociopath. he is our older brother.
when my sister was 9 and 10 and 11 age. I saw my brother sexually abuse her. when I was 11 he and his friend did it 1 time to me.
I watched my mum attempt suicide a few times. it got normal. we would keep on watching tv while she was taken to hospital. she was often gone for months at a time.
when she was there or not. we got forgot a lot at the bus stop. it would be dark in the night and even the rain. we would huddle there for hours. I had trouble with wetting my self. so often I wet my self at this time. my brother would go and leave us. to go to get help. he would walk for an hour to people we knew. he would use there phone to ring some one to get us. the people he went to always came with blankets and food. and telling us to be in there car while we wait. my brother and sister would both do this.
I would make growling noises if they tried to get close. and be violent if they tried to put a blanket on me.
when I was 12 the most bad thing happened. when I was a adult I told my mum and dad. they said "so what".
my nana returned from Australia. she moved in with us. she loved my brother. more than any one else. she hated me. I do not know why. she used to hit me also. on the face. or if my brother or sister did something wrong. she would hurt me. she said I made mum schizophrenic. by being a horrible stressful child. that I made all the bad things happen. she said I was evil. she had a prayer group praying to end my evilness.
one of the most best things mum ever did for me. she yelled and screamed with nana that I was not evil. nana could scream at her a lot that I was evil. but mum said I was not. it made me happy that mum said that. because I knew she must love me.
I got very badly bullied from 11 to 16. including sexual bullying. physical bullying. and mean things. like the kids on the bus would spit on me. one older boy used to pick his nose and wipe it on my cheek.
things at home did not change. just go more worse. mum would chase dad with a meat cleaver. I stopped her strangling my younger sister. mum tried to kill me a few more times. but I was always awake at night waiting. just in case. and dad was the same. mum told me to kill myself or she would beat me.
my nana moved into her own house when I was 14. when I was 16 we went to live with her. dad stayed there. he said it was not safe. that it was to dangerous. going to nanas was less afraid. but our brother got his own room. with a big bed. and a friend of his. got to stay in the other room. with 2 beds. me and my sister had to sleep on the floor in the lounge. we used to put the couch cushions together. to sleep on. we had to serve our brother and his friend.
mum and dad separated. mum started to get more better. my sister when to live with her. I became old enough for a benefit. so I started to pay nana to live on her lounge floor. my brother never had to pay for his bedroom.
during the ages of 17 and 18 and 19 I was sexually harassed. and abused. by a man in his 30's at a church.
I moved at 18 to some kind peoples house. but they could not handle me. I was afraid at night that mum was coming to slit my throat. I was would not leave my room. would not shower. would not brush my teeth. had trouble with communicating. I was self harming.
they could not get me to eat normal. or be ok. my dad came and got me one day. because i was hiding in a bush by the road. making growling noises at any one who got close. he took me to his house. i lived with him. until he got back together with mum.
I ended up in the mental health system. was diagnosed with autism. they said it was a shocking case. that I had obvious autism. they did not know how it could be missed. I received years of speech language therapy that helped a lot. and some physical therapy for low muscle tone. and dyspraxia. I got more good at talking. I was diagnosed with complex ptsd after some more years.
as well as verbal apraxia. 
my mum got more and more better. she got a job. she kept the job. she still takes medication. but you can not tell any more. she has schizophrenia.
mum was happy to find out I had autism.
i lived with my little sister for some years. mum and dad sent me to live with my nana again. it is difficult here. I am afraid again. all the time I am here. my nana bully's me. and lets my brother do it also. I am not allowed to leave here alone. or the police come and take me home. Last year I tried to kill myself. I nearly died. this year I am going to a psychologist.  I am trying to improve. also mum and dad are understanding. I can not live with nana. they are making it for me to live on my own.  I am angry a lot. and sad. I am trying. it is hard to see. a good future. I will probably never have a job. never have a boy friend. never get married. never have children. I am not allowed to drive. 

I am glad mum has schizophrenia. it means she did not mean it. it means it was not her fault. I am not angry with her. it is other people. like the boy with the snot. and nana. and other people. sometimes I think about hurting them. but I would never.

now I am older and older. I know how bad my childhood was. that it was not normal. me and my brother and sister and dad. all have ptsd. my brother might be a sociopath. a few years ago. he beat me up. and managed to blame it on me. and every one believed him. he laughs about it to me. he says he has changed now. it is hard to know. he is a good liar. it is probably also not his fault. I watched mum beat him around the head with a piece of cane. when we was children. maybe that did it.

everything seems to hurt the same. no mater how many years happen. I am middle aged now. it is like it has all just happened. I do not know how to get fixed. I am trying. it does not seem to work I think.

[jdcooper]

Luna,

Your story is breathtakingly heartbreaking.  I am in tears hearing what you went through.  How horrible to have a mentally ill mother like yours.  To have your Nana blame you for your mothers mental illness.  To be afraid at night that your mum would come and slit your throat.  To have your brother beat you and blame it on you.  IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!  I hope you are still seeing a psychologist.  You need a safe space away from these people.  I hope that the plan is for you to live on your own.  You are wise to understand that what you went through is not NORMAL!  Do not give up hope Luna.  It is possible to heal.  Just by writing your story here tells us that you are courageous and brave and resourceful.

Keep writing.  Keep communicating.  there are people here who want to help!

[Three Roses]

Oh Luna, I'm so very sorry to hear what you went through, and what you are still going through. You should have had help as a young girl, instead of all the abuse. I feel sad that such bad treatment was all you had.

Just like jdcooper says, keep communicating! There are kind-hearted people here who have had the same experiences you have had, and who want to listen to you and help however they can. No one will be mean to you here.  

[joyful]

Luna,
I just want to echo jdcooper and Three Roses. I am so sad for what happened to you. It wasn't your fault, and you did not deserve it. I am so so sad for all that you endured. You are strong for posting it 

[Hope Grows]

None of this is your fault Luna. Your Nana probably felt guilty for her daughters mental illness and wanted to pass the blame - you were vulnerable and fragile enough to be an easy scapegoat.

It's not fair on you, but abusive people don't care about fairness. Thanks for sharing - you're brave.

[Wanttothrive]

Luna:
You are beautiful inside and out. You did not deserve any of this. None of this was your fault.  I am heartbroken reading your story but also inspired that you are here, fighting and strong. Please keep writing. You are a beautiful writer with much to say. I am just sitting here with you.

[BlancaLap]

You have clearly Complex PTSD and dissociation. I don't know what to say... I'm speechless with your story... It's just... so horrible... I can't imagine what you have gone through, and I want you to know, that I'm so so so sorry... I just hope you'll have the safe place and the love you deserve.

[Ct02]

Luna you are so inspirational. You deserved so much more. You opening up your world will help so many. Voicing the unthinkable is progress on the road to recovery. Thank you for sharing.