Feeling Stretched Thin

[strangenights]

  Hi, let me preface this by saying I'm new and of course this post might be in the wrong spot.

  I don't really know where to start, its 3 am where I am currently, so that should tip you off to the state of my sleeping patterns. I have an abusive Nmom and an abusive by association (or something like that) eDad. I'm lucky to have gotten out in my early twenties, I moved out a few years ago, and completely cut them off last year. They're still wreaking havoc on my life and mind, my younger sister unfortunately still lives with them and we work together, so I do hear about my family's life continuing without me. I'm very close with my sister, although she is a golden child, I spent the young years of my life making sure that the majority of my mother's abuse was directed at me and not her.

  Anyway, if you don't mind I'm just going to let it out.

  I'm a shift manager at the restaurant I work at (just the kitchen), working 35-40 hours a week is exhausting me. I don't necessarily know if I can justify not working, or working less hours even. I don't know that I want to, but I need to change something.

  This current year so far has been my worst and best yet. I'm free of my parents, and I'm moving forward and making progress! However, I am also swimming through the sludgy aftermath of all of it. I've had nights where I sleep 16 hours, I've slept through entire work shifts, and I've also had 2 to 3 day stretches with no sleep. My coworkers have all noticed by now, it is a kitchen and we all talk, not that I'm ashamed but there is so much stigma surrounding mental illness. Every night I sweat to the point where my sheets and pillow are damp, I also dream of my parents on a nightly basis. The dreams are all pretty similar but different in their own "fun"  way.

  I could probably go on and on. I'm one bad day away from having a melt down, if that. I'm met with a lot of "If you need help, reach out" sentiments when looking for resources. I never thought that I would need to call a hotline or something on a bad night, and then when I did I found out the hard way that you can't get years worth of therapy over the phone in 2 minutes. Its just going to be uncomfortable small talk for me, I can't explain so much so coherently to a stranger, I'm not capable of that. There is no aspirin to take for mental anguish, my medicine doesn't take as much of an edge off as it used to, and I need some sort of release.

  This didn't end up being a question, or some large and moving statement, sorry about that. I think it would be nice to have someone to talk to who knows from experience what I'm going through. Thank you for reading this far, best wishes 

[radical]

Welcome Strangenights,
You can start wherever

It sounds as though you've had a hard time and life is a real struggle.  I think you are doing brilliantly being able to work at all with the distress you are experiencing. It's mountain-climbing when you feel like this, but because the difficulties are invisible, no-one appreciates what you are up against in getting through.  So kudos - I know how incredibly hard it must be.  You don't need to justify whatever decision is best for you, around here.

There is an article I read recently about the problem of under and over-arousal with cPTSD.  I'll post it when I remember where I found it, because it contains a lot of useful information.  Sleep problems are the pits, and very common around here.  I feel for you.  There have been times when I've had a problem with oversleeping (how i long for those days) Now I have the opposite problem, but it seems to be gradually improving.

We can't provide therapy here, but there is a lot of support and information.  I hope you will feel safe to talk more.  I'd be happy to listen

Warm wishes.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Strangenights! It's good to have you with us!

[strangenights]

There is an article I read recently about the problem of under and over-arousal with cPTSD.  I'll post it when I remember where I found it, because it contains a lot of useful information.  Sleep problems are the pits, and very common around here.  I feel for you.

Sounds like a really interesting read! Often my sleep problems like to flip flop as well, sorry to hear you have to deal with under-sleeping, it truly is awful.

Thanks for the reply, your kind words mean a lot.

[ThreeThrees]

I have had the same episodes before. Every day seems exhausting and dreary. At these days, my energy levels would drop to the lowest, heart racing, dream a lot and wake up with a dark cloud hovering in my head. It felt like there was no hope, no sign of a sunny day, and no way of escape. Such episodes happened a few times in my life. I am not very sure how I got into them or out of them. It seems every time I got one of such episodes, there was a trigger preceded it. And as the environment changed-- such as moving to another city, starting a relationship with someone, changing my career direction, the symptoms were gradually diminished and I gradually moved out of the fog. And when a trigger happens again, I probably will fall back into the fog. These foggy episodes may as well be called as depression or anxiety attacks. But it does not matter what the medical name is. What matters is how I felt and lived inside these episodes.
I think I am right in such an episode now, which is triggered by my father's cancer diagnosis. I have very conflicting feelings towards him. He is dying. I am in another country and feel trapped in my own mind reviewing and re-feeling all that happened in my FOO.
Although knowing the trigger will not make you directly feel better. But the awareness of it makes you a little bit stronger. Try to talk or write about such feelings as much as possible; try to cry as much as possible; and trust time. Healing is a process, time is one essence. It is painful to feel so helpless and vulnerable.
People say to feel emotionally stronger you need to connect with others. But for people with CPTSD, especially the ones caused by childhood abuse, to build connection is already a challenge, because we never learned how to trust and how to be vulnerable. Instead, we learned how to survive when we were young at the cost of our mental warfare of the future. I am not sure if my words would bring any comfort to you. I find them to be dark as well, just like my mood now. Let's keep going and keep searching for the light.