Trying to push through

[EverPure]

Hi,

I'm in my 40's and still living in abject fear of my parent. Today was a hard day with more crying, resentment and feeling unsafe than most days. Frustrating.

I struggle to hold a sense of self. I'm a freeze/flight type, so spent most of my life engaged in busywork to keep my mind off the fear that I felt. I literally clam up and stand still whenever I'm in an intimidating situation and then berate myself afterwards for not standing up for myself. Not knowing what to say in the moment etc.

I was seriously triggered last night when my kitty cat went for a neighbourhood jaunt and didn't return until almost 2am. I ended up on my backsteps crying for her not to abandon me etc.

Just wanting to be free of the ever-present fear that wracks my life and seems to pervade every moment of my being. So hard to sit in the middle of this and soothe myself and tell myself everything is going to be okay.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, EverPure! I have a headache right now but I wanted to make sure you were greeted. I'll try to write more later. Thanks for joining ♡

[sanmagic7]

hi, everpure, and welcome.

living with fear is such a horrible feeling.  i'm really glad your cat came back.  i can relate to losing a pet and what that can mean. 

allow me to say it for you - everything will be ok.  glad you're here.

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

  Glad your cat made it home. I just joined too after learning about CPTSD and reading the book from Surviving to Thriving. This community has already been incredible. Welcome.

[EverPure]

I'm glad she made it home too. Thanks for the welcome everyone.

[Kizzie]

I'm a bit late but wanted to say hi and welcome Everpure     So glad to hear your cat came back     

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi ever pure I can relate to the fear
Quote 'ever present fear' as you describe..
Things that really help me are meditation, exercise, grounding techniques and starting to learn how to self soothe/ self
Compassion.. Tara brach is worth a look on u tube
It just dawned on me yesterday that hey it is a part of complex ptsd fear = stress the stress part of the disorder .. lots of resources to help and it is so informative and supportive being here
Wishing you well on this day in recovery