Energy

[radical]

I never have any idea what category to put posts into.

I have energy today, and a huge list of things to do.  I'm grateful to lose the paralysis I felt yesterday.  I feared it would go on, that I'd get trapped in it, but there has been a shift in me.

I had an experience about six months ago, in which I saw myself as being okay, and from that a cascade of changes have taken place.  I wonder if this understanding is a foundational building-block of resilience, and whether it is a part of why those who grew up in the assumption of their being okay can find it so hard to understand the experience and reactions of those of us who didn't.

It's not as simple as flicking a switch. My brain is still wired with a lifetime of experiences, understandings and ways of responding from the default of not-okay.  I have so little experience of this that I'm all over the place in knowing how to behave, in responding reflexively from the old understanding, which will always be a part of me too, then trying to know how to correct, sometimes over-correcting.  Often it is confusing because it's often about not needing to do anything at times that my scripts tell me action is required, actions about making up for being deficient, about appeasing, about a perception of being in danger. (And the converse, the need to stand my ground where flight or surrender were reflexive).

The other side is a change in default to others are okay - just okay, not a mountain I need to climb to be deserving of, or a need to feel suspicion towards, or to try and figure out which applies.  There is a middle ground, in which there is no contradiction in being open to others and ready ro defend myself and my interests.

I'm not pretending to be 'fixed,' the work has just begun.  I feel a bit like someone who has received a cochlear implant possibly does, as they struggle to understand and respond to the world of sound.  A beginner.

This feeling can be undermined, but it is like one of those birthday candles that are blown out and and then flicker back to life.  Unfortunately, it's not anywhere near as instantaneous as that.  I fear losing it, but so far, the flame has never been completely extinguished, since it first came.  Time will tell.

It was nearly a year ago that I first posted here and I wrote something like "I'm determined to believe in myself, even if I'm the only person on earth who does.  It makes a huge difference to be a part of a community of people who understand.

[Candid]

I had an experience about six months ago, in which I saw myself as being okay, and from that a cascade of changes have taken place.

Yes, I'm enjoying that cascade now. Even the grisly drizzly day outside can't intimidate me.

I wonder if this understanding is a foundational building-block of resilience, and whether it is a part of why those who grew up in the assumption of their being okay can find it so hard to understand the experience and reactions of those of us who didn't.

Yes. It makes a world of difference if your primary caregivers reflect you as okay or not-okay. I can remember years ago going to a co-worker's 21st party, and her father got up and made such a loving speech about her. I'll never forget the shock I felt. A parent can love a child instead of seeing her as a perpetual nuisance and wrongdoer? Who knew?

My brain is still wired with a lifetime of experiences, understandings and ways of responding from the default of not-okay.

I think miracles start to happen when we become okay with being not-okay. I'm quite comfortable with that at the moment.

I'm all over the place in knowing how to behave, in responding reflexively from the old understanding, which will always be a part of me too, then trying to know how to correct, sometimes over-correcting.

When I think back to that long-ago birthday girl, she was often caught out behaving inappropriately and she just shrugged it off. I wasn't much older, and I still blushed whenever anyone spoke to me. It's okay to be a social wally on occasion, I reckon. It has to be. I've had it with being ashamed everywhere I go.

The other side is a change in default to others are okay

Yes, they're okay -- not superior beings who never put a foot wrong. The only people who never doubt themselves are psychopaths.

I'm not pretending to be 'fixed,'

Nor me. But these days I'm not so sure I need to be 'fixed'.  If I think I'm a bundle of fears, phobias and antisocial behaviours, I'm  . I'm also stuck with it. If I reckon I'm good enough as I am, and use positive affirmations about myself, I can relax and see more clearly where I can and want to change. Everything stops looking so hopeless.

I'm determined to believe in myself, even if I'm the only person on earth who does.

This is gold, radical.   

[sanmagic7]

that last remark you made, radical, about believing in yourself is so very strengthening to me right now.  i've just been knocked for a loop a few days ago, and didn't know what the concept of 'myself' even meant, let alone what to believe about it.

i definitely know that i need fixing in some areas, especially physically, but also emotionally.  there has been so much damage done and it doesn't serve me well, plus i don't know how long my body can keep taking it.  but, as soon as i get comfy with this new 'self' i'm realizing, i will be remembering your words and start believing in her.  thanks for that.  big hug.

[Fen Starshimmer]

My brain is still wired with a lifetime of experiences, understandings and ways of responding from the default of not-okay.  I have so little experience of this that I'm all over the place in knowing how to behave, in responding reflexively from the old understanding, which will always be a part of me too, then trying to know how to correct, sometimes over-correcting.  Often it is confusing because it's often about not needing to do anything at times that my scripts tell me action is required, actions about making up for being deficient, about appeasing, about a perception of being in danger. (And the converse, the need to stand my ground where flight or surrender were reflexive).

Hi Radical, I relate to these feelings... It takes time to rewire the brain and change the default nervous system reflexes. I only found this out a few years ago when I began my healing journey. I have found that being in a safe environment (no triggers) and having a reliable support system is a great first step, probably because most of my life has been spent in fear with no support or caregivers that didn't abuse me. 

Above all, we are not deficient, we are strong, we have survived, and we have held on to the love in our souls despite what others have done to us. I know that about you Radical from your other posts. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that you are a beacon of light for lost souls... cause you've been in the dark and made it back out x