possible trigger, recently diagnosed

[silentrhino]

Hello, my name is silent rhino, it has more meaning than it sounds.  I have been attending counseling for the past two months and since I can finally attach a name to my ever present symptoms of depersonalization, self abuse and depression it has been helpful.  I have been diagnosed as an adult, however I had twelve years of constant emotional, physical and sexual abuse in my childhood.  Although I am thirty years past childhood the symptoms which started around age 24 have never left me.  During my abusive childhood, I was a survivor, now I struggle with suicidal ideation and have for many years.  I am looking for support, I am trying to save my own life to be honest as my struggles with suicidal thoughts are persistent though I have no plan.  I keep looking for a reason as to why I was victimized for so long, but have no logical answer.  Does anyone else look  for reasons that are impossible to realize and explain their long term childhood abuse.

[Three Roses]

Hi, welcome silent rhino. I'm glad you're here.

I am looking for support, I am trying to save my own life to be honest as my struggles with suicidal thoughts are persistent though I have no plan.  I keep looking for a reason as to why I was victimized for so long, but have no logical answer.

You've come to the right place for support! You're not alone - many of us have said they felt a sense of relief in discovering there are others who can say they understand.

Don't look for reasons, it wasn't your fault. I hope you find all the answers here that you need. Thanks for joining! 

[Candid]

During my abusive childhood, I was a survivor, now I struggle with suicidal ideation and have for many years.

I get this. When we finally get out of the traumatic situation, where to? We want to go 'home', but the home we started out in was one long nightmare and most of us set out to replicate it with self-destructive habits, punishing partners, etc. It's all we know.

I keep looking for a reason as to why I was victimized for so long, but have no logical answer.  Does anyone else look  for reasons that are impossible to realize and explain their long term childhood abuse.

I still swing from "I was a difficult child", as Mother invariably described me, to "I had a rotten mother". The latter gives us some hope of reparenting ourselves in a healthier way. "I must have been at fault" leads to endless misery, as I know to my cost.

After six decades of anguish  I've realised that no matter the rights and wrongs of it, I have to believe in myself or I'm never going to have any joy in life. That means the show ain't over until I say it's over, and I'm not beaten yet.

Welcome to the forum, silentrhino. You might like to tell us about that intriguing name here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5008.0

[silentrhino]

Hi folks, thanks for responding, I often get into fogs of depression which I am just arising from.  I posted , then I can't even speak or think for weeks, I feel guilty for posting anything. to accept help is to be beaten I don't know if anyone understands this besides me.  I don't want you to know me, but I do want you to know me, not the beaten burned me, the real me.  the one who pretends he is alive. 

[Candid]

I feel guilty for posting anything. to accept help is to be beaten I don't know if anyone understands this besides me.

It might be a guy thing. I don't think of using the forum as 'asking for help', but as a dialogue among friends with similar beginnings and tribulations. It works better than a real-life meet-up would because we all feel strongly about this, would be triggering each other, the quieter ones wouldn't get a look-in etc.

I don't want you to know me, but I do want you to know me, not the beaten burned me...

The beaten, burned you isn't the one who keeps you walking around, feeding yourself and so on. You're not beaten. You're here with us in a place of safety, doing what you can to reach for a better future. And it's all anonymous, too!

... the real me.  the one who pretends he is alive.

Why does the 'real' you need to pretend, hmm? Could he be the one holding all your happiness and the things that used to give you satisfaction but no longer do? Well, he may be taking a back seat just now, but he'll still be there when you're ready to have him back.

[mook]

welcome silent rhino...

I could have written most of what you've written myself, so you are definitely understood, and I've discovered that by supporting people here, I get to understand myself better by recognising what I see in others...

My therapist took a week off, so I had a fortnight without, on his return I was expressing so many of the things you have posted here, and he reminded me that by the very fact that I'd turned up meant I hadn't given up, I knew how to ask for help, and wanted to untangle myself from the web I feel trapped in...

I struggle with suicidal idealisation too, and have done all my life, but I believe it is a part of me that is trying to protect me from more pain and difficulty, so I try to not see the thoughts as negative anymore, but myself giving an alternative, and a chance for me to choose every day to try, as you do... keep going

Through therapy, I have finally let go of blame, I never thought I'd see the day, really I didn't, there's a long way to go yet, but now I see my father as someone who was very ill, I wasn't victimised, I was part of his reaction to whatever horrendous trauma he went through, I still don't want to see him, I still need to protect myself from him, but I don't see a monster in my head anymore, I see a broken man who was out of control, as my therapist put it this week "you found compassion" If I could give that gift to everyone here who has suffered so much, I would, but believe me, if I found it, I have no doubt we all can... now I can concentrate on myself and not want redemption and justice and obsess about how unfair it was to a small child... I wrangled like you do, to try and understand why, what reason? why did it happen, what did I do? Three Roses said it simply... it wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't any of our faults... but survive was something we all did, and at some point we had to sit and unburden the strain of the survival... I believe that's what we are all working through right now...

peace to all of you here... we deserve some.

[silentrhino]

Thank you all, your kind words means a lot to me.  I am trying to give my therapy for Complex PTSD a go.  I just get so anxious every time I walk in the therapy office, yikes.  In response to a couple of your queries, only one person knows who went on in my young life IRL.  Family members whom I've tried to explain it to soundly don't believe me, call me a liar and resort to all sorts of shaming to keep me quiet.  The perpetrators are long passed away.

I watch people, I go to work, I don't understand "normality", I was a functional addict for over a decade, now sober.  I am very susceptible to shaming even if I don't outwardly show it.  I have to cut myself when a shame attack occurs, it makes me feel better.

I have blackouts when I get so stressed and have many physical injuries from those times when I lose control of the self hatred which makes me cut myself, starve myself and other self harm behaviors. When people show me compassion I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When does the compassion end and the beatings start?  maybe that's why I self harm.  I don't know, those things were very unpredictable in my young life.

I am trying to get better, even if it means discussing the unspeakable things that happened to me.  The things I've tried to hide the most keep wanting to come out into the light of day.  I don't know why I can't just forget it all.

[jdcooper]

I am trying to get better, even if it means discussing the unspeakable things that happened to me.  The things I've tried to hide the most keep wanting to come out into the light of day.  I don't know why I can't just forget it all.

I know the feeling.  Why can't I just forget and get on with life.  Unfortunately, forgetting means repressing and stuffing emotions.  Then they start seeping out in ways that might not be helpful.  Discussing, analyzing, journaling, speaking are all ways we bring things into the light.  Its a painful process though.  If suppression of memories and denying feelings helped; we wouldn't all be here right now.

I also have only one person that knows what happened to me in my childhood.  Its my mom.  Although she didn't protect me from my fathers abuse - I have forgiven her.  She knows, her mental state at the time was poor and she didn't do enough.  She empathasizes with my pain.

When people show compassion I also feel like something bad is going to happen-I am going to get rejected etc.

This is tough stuff to go through.  I am so anxious about my therapy session tomorrow that I am up way too early with way too little sleep.

[Candid]

Family members whom I've tried to explain it to soundly don't believe me, call me a liar and resort to all sorts of shaming to keep me quiet.

Yeah, that's what they do. I give family members a wide berth now, unless they contact me and behave themselves. I gave up "trying to explain" a long time ago. No one wants to hear it. The miracle is I no longer want to tell it, except here.

The perpetrators are long passed away.

It's tough when you can't put the blame and anger where it belongs, isn't it? But in some ways it's a good thing, because if you were able to confront them they would deny, minimise, say you've got a vivid imagination or similar. Please understand that they were never going to say they were sorry or try to make amends. These were very sick people.

I was a functional addict for over a decade, now sober.

That's something to be proud of!  It's a huge achievement.

When people show me compassion I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When does the compassion end and the beatings start?  maybe that's why I self harm.  I don't know, those things were very unpredictable in my young life.

I think you'll find consistency here. OOTS members are unfailingly sympathetic and helpful. You can vent about what went on back there without fear of ridicule or shaming. And you deserve to be heard, rhino! It's long overdue,

I am trying to get better, even if it means discussing the unspeakable things that happened to me.  The things I've tried to hide the most keep wanting to come out into the light of day.  I don't know why I can't just forget it all.

We can't forget all that happened, short of a lobotomy. In CPTSD the abuse went on too long and ran too deep. But one thing we can do is think about all the positive aspects of ourselves, such as your ability to get sober when so many fail at that. That was the beginning of self-care, saying "no more!" and taking action in the right direction. Joining up to the forum was another step, and I'm sure there have been others for which you haven't given yourself credit.

I hope you'll find words for the "unspeakable things" done to you. The time for ducking and diving, hiding and hurting, is past. They were the mechanisms you used in an attempt to stay safe in an unsafe and inescapable situation. They were survival strategies then, but they isolate you now. It took me decades to understand that most people in the general population would rather help than hurt. On this forum, where all of us have survived horrible stuff, it's guaranteed.

[mook]

Just back from therapy, and like a few people have said in this post, it's always tough getting in the right mindspace for it, but just keep going, as long as you turn up, you are doing the work... I kept saying at the beginning (I'm 8 months in) "i don't know how to work through it, I don't know how to" he kept telling me that by sitting and talking about it, that is exactly what I am doing... he kept telling me until I heard him...

I am trying to get better, even if it means discussing the unspeakable things that happened to me.  The things I've tried to hide the most keep wanting to come out into the light of day.  I don't know why I can't just forget it all.

Therapy is your chance for those things to come to light, there is a reason they are pushing to get out, a good reason, it means you are ready, that you feel strong enough to deal with them, I told my therapist (after about six months) things I didn't think I could ever tell anybody, things that kept me in the similar cycle of shame and guilt, and the harming, and the starving, and the isolating, it took me most of one session to say one sentence... one I'd rehearsed in my head but was terrified to say out loud, yes, he was shocked, but he also unburdened me of the shame, finally I had said the worst thing I thought I could ever say, and he didn't throw me out, or judge me, or hit me, or ask me to never come back, he told me to keep taking the opportunity to tell my story, so it's no longer a terrible secret, and that has so much power, it gave me a little more freedom, and I discovered I was hungry for more, that actually I do want to live, I do want to progress... we can never forget, but we can look at those horrendous years through more compassionate eyes, then the harming will reduce, the shame will reduce, and feelings will finally start to come.

peace.

ps jd... good luck with this weeks session... hope you get some sleep