Berceuse's journal

Started by berceuse, March 12, 2017, 09:08:57 PM

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berceuse

Dear sanmagic7,
Just after I wrote in your journal I saw this so I can say here again I am so happy that you feel better and I am sorry that I did not write before. Inner critic was beating me up about my attempt to reach to others  :stars:
I can't imagine how wearing it was with all different docs and wrong diagnosis. I know that you have so much strength because you get up and try again and again. I really look up to you. I am not saying this for just to say nice things. I really mean it.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2017, 08:56:00 PM
i'll be seeing a t this week with trepidation.  i've had so many bad experiences with them, but i know i need some help.  she's supposed to be versed in trauma - we'll see how far that goes.  i'm guarded.
I hope this goes well for you.

Yes, this forum was a life-saver for me, too.  Now, I know what I am going through and I have you and many people here beside me. I can't tell what a big relief it is. Feeling so alone in that mess was killing me.
Hugs to you too.
:hug:

sanmagic7

pooh to your inner critic.  you have just as much right, and so much to give by reaching out to the rest of us.  i so appreciate your kind words and thoughts, berceuse, and very very glad to know that you don't feel alone in this mess (ain't that the truth!) anymore.

you're as valuable here as anyone else, and your thoughts and opinions are just as valid.  take that! inner critic!!  a pox on thee.  (i'm not a fan of inner critics - too stifling.)  i'm so glad you're here and that you do continue to reach out.  it makes a wonderful difference.  thank you.   a big hug filled with love and caring to you.

Kizzie

QuoteI was looking at the symptoms of some personality disorders because I thought I was going crazy and needed to be institutionalized. Then I accidentally saw narcissistic abuse and then I found OOTS. I still remember the tingling sensation in my head. OMG, it is not me!

That is exactly what happened to me and how I felt too Berceuse!  I stumbled into Out of the FOG and found out about NPD and then there was a post by someone about Pete Walker's work and I went there and voila, all the pieces fell right into place.  Such a relief (but so scary too).  I'm not seeing a T right now either by the way, I only mentioned it because I thought it might help if you hadn't considered it, but you have and know where you're at with it.  We learn pretty quickly how important it is to go at our own pace and it sounds like being here is what you need right now so  :thumbup:.

I agree with San (who is too funny isn't she?), pooh to your ICr!!  You can also tell him/her from me  to "Pipe the heck down!" :blahblahblah:

berceuse

#48
Yes, I certainly agree with "going at our own pace" that and finding here that people get through the similar things -like the way you felt when you stumbled upon OOTS- is a bliss. It was so hard when I thought I was the only one. Of course, it was a delusion.

I usually fail to see how I force myself to heal which results in "not healing". 

I try to change the core things about me and then I talk about self-love. How can I love myself when I try so hard to change everything? The fact is I don't like myself the way I am. Not at all. I don't see the trauma as a part of me. I just see it as sth to get rid of.
I actually hate that I was traumatized. I can't accept it. I am at a war with myself. I think that I can remove it from me like it is a weed. Then I will be me, I will love myself, and people will love me. No. It won't work like that. This is the exact opposite of love. Love is unconditional and it does not make you wanna kill yourself.
I managed to survive in an environment which is the opposite of nurturing. If I had a child, I surely would not leave her where I grew up and child me did her best to survive. I should be grateful to her. I can't blame a child or hate her. It is inhuman.  The trauma was the result of sth inevitable. It was a reaction.  It is a part of me now.  I can't force myself to change. Change is eventually inevitable but forcing change is not a way to do it.
I don't wanna be at war with myself anymore. I am too tired. I don't want to chase a fantasy-an ideal me- perfect me-whatever its name is.
I am imperfect and not the person who I want to be. I think I can be OK with that. I can let the things flow at their own pace.
 

sanmagic7

i truly believe, berceuse, that if we do allow ourselves to go at our own pace, that is a change in itself, one that is not forced.  patience with ourselves, with the way our recovery goes, with the ups and downs and sideways of it, is a huge change, but again, one that is not forced.  it just eventually shows up as we practice something new and different for ourselves.

if what you really want is to be the healthiest you possible, then your efforts will go into learning about, realizing, adding and subtracting everything that is or isn't healthy for you.  it's a process rather than a battle, something that flows from within us (maybe a bit roughly at times, but that's just part of the process) and produces results. 

you are basically a good person - it shows.  you want the best for yourself, which is not a bad thing.  i think sometimes we get mixed messages about what's important for us to 'be' and what isn't.  i was programmed to be perfect - it turns out that's not in my best interests, it's not healthy for me.  little by little, with practice and perseverance, i've learned to accept more easily the imperfectness of me.

yeah, i know that feeling of exhaustion that comes from battling everyone and most everything i was taught in order to be who i really am.  i like her, and i'm glad i found her.  your real you is just buried, but that you is there and is good enough.  you're making progress - it shows.  you'll get there, you'll find the you who already is, and you'll discover that 'you' is not so bad.   best to you, always.  it'll happen.  big hug.

berceuse

Hey sanmagic,
Thank you for kind words and comments. Yes, it is "a change in itself". This is a very nice way of putting it.

I am in a phase where I can't tell anything about myself because it changes every day. I can't write a cover letter for a job application because I can't say anything for sure. Bonus, saying nice things is really hard. the things I have done before- I feel as if I was not the one who did those things. I am not sure whether what I am talking about makes sense.
I also have a weird feeling (since childhood maybe) that I am doing sth in a wrong and ridiculous way and everyone knows how to do it except me. I really can't tell this with words. It is a weird feeling but soo familiar.

Right now I have no "self". I am even having a hard time writing and talking. I don't know what part is in charge of me but I feel totally disconnected. I don't know where I buried real me either.

Maybe this is my inner child. She refuses to talk with me and when I think about her, the image is a small child in a white dress living in a very dark and muddy basement, with no windows. The only thing in the room is an old, dirty bed. I don't know what mud symbolizes but I used to see that kind of places (muddy and dark) in my dreams. I can get nervous around children because I have a belief that they won't like me. I even feel panicky. I also have an affectionate, motherly voice but I just can't reach her when I need. She just comes, says some wise things and goes. 

What resonates most with me to explain this chaos in my self or in my brain is actually "chaos theory" and "self-organization". Especially the self-organization;

"Self-organization, also called spontaneous order (in the social sciences), is a process where some form of overall order arises from local interactions between parts of an initially disordered system. The process is spontaneous, not needing control by any external agent. It is often triggered by random fluctuations, amplified by positive feedback."

I am not a mathematician or physicist and I even did not read the subject properly. This is just a quote from Wikipedia but whenever I read this, I feel like "Yes, that initially disordered system is me." My learning process is so similar to this. I mean when I start to learn something new I fail to understand or hold anything in my mind for quite a long time (even for years) and then something clicks suddenly and I learn the subject.  However, for example, it is hard for me to teach somebody because I never understand how I learned in the first place.

I don't remember why I am talking about this or what was my point. I guess it just makes sense to me and I wanted to keep it here.

Anyway, the post is also a total disorder but this is a journal. So, it is OK.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I hope I can feel like an adult again until then. It happens from time to time. I act like a child in the interview or just sabotage myself (I talk about my dreams - that I actually want to do sth else. I only want the job for money so that I can do sth else. Of course, I get rejected and the good thing is that "sth else" always changes.  :pissed: Once, I remember telling the employer I am too small to do that. I don't remember what was the case but it was totally inappropriate. :fallingbricks: )




berceuse


Maybe I am overinterpreting but I have a weird feeling that my sister belittles me because of my efforts to be independent financially. When I said I'm going to have a job interview tomorrow, her tone of voice and smile reminded me of mother or it is just me who expects eagerly to see me fail. So I project it onto others.

When I moved out-I was away from home for four months- and I was having sleep problems and anxiety attacks, my sister told me it is because I like being with family and a tidy, nice house and my sleep deprivation was because of those reasons and I don't understand why I am anxious. I thought she was right and I did not understand where those feelings came from. Ironically, our family home was usually untidy and dirty and I am feeling a lot worse since I got back. At least I had a piece of life there. 

M does this "infantilization" thing a lot. Like, when she told me "What privacy are you talking about? A child can't have a private life." I was 24 when she told me that and the only thing I did was not saying what I bought from the market or when she laughed in a humiliating way when I told her I need to see a gynecologist and I was 20 sth. That laugh really carries a lot more meaning.

I feel so incompetent and it is like that feeling "I have a defect but I don't know what it is and I am different from my peers and can't-do the same things they do-or just feeling inferior or smaller(age) than friends" This is an EF I guess. I hate feeling like this. It feels so true but it is wrong.

I hate those beliefs my own family inflicted on me and now they don't even need to do anything further. I continue from where they left. Thanks for raising a self-destructive machine but I will do anything to not let that happen. I deserve to be my authentic self and I deserve to be an independent, strong woman. Just being human gives enough reason to do those things. I am saying this in case I get into another self-loathing, "I don't deserve this" kind of phase.

berceuse

I just feel so hopeless, small, humiliated and alone. I have that choking sensation in my throat. I know this is a flashback. It was in the past but it is like a giant snowball rolling and rolling and the past becomes now.
When I was a child I used to hold onto my dreams. I imagined that they lied me about my father's death and he would come and take me. It took me 10 years to accept that he died and I was in a delusion. It really shattered me at the time that I was waiting for a dead person.

I don't want to hold onto future again but now is not stable and safe enough, either. I need to get myself on my feet. I really need to build a safe place for me. Both inside and out. I just don't know what to do. I don't know where my dreams come from. Each time I follow them they turn into nothing.

When I took a job that I am not interested, I get so overwhelmed and quit. I do translation but it is far far away from being enough to live on my own economically. I can try to move into a village again and may end up more isolated than I ever am or not. No. Isolation is actually here. Here is too triggering for me. I don't want to do it here.

Things change so quickly in me and I need something stable to hold onto. A daily routine at least.

berceuse

It is such a misfortune that I keep the most beautiful emotions locked inside me. I managed to hide them in a really nice place.  I missed my emotions so much. I missed feeling alive. I am so tired of reliving the past again and again and again.
I realized that writing an inner dialog is easier than simply pouring out my thoughts or emotions. So far, I discovered 6-7 different voices inside me. I still can't talk with IC. I think this healing process will be a long grievance. I can cry for the loss of safety, attachment, love, self-esteem, joy, and trust. I can visit the underworld to bring them back. I think that is what I am already doing because where I am, feels more like the underworld. This is how most stories begin. The hero/heroine loses sth that is precious to her. Then she leaves her ordinary life and goes on an adventure to look for it. She faces many challenges, wins the big battle, passes the threshold and turns back home as a whole different person.  This is much more fun. Maybe I can make up a story for myself.

ajvander86

Quote from: berceuse on March 12, 2017, 09:08:57 PM
***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS ***
Hello,
Well, this is my first attempt to keep an online journal.  I hope it turns out better than some parts of me expected. Even right now I have that non-stop critic and perfectionist that constantly try to guess other people's opinion of me  (which are either too nice or too humiliating) and make me read the sentences over and over again and telling me I have too much flaws to be a perfectionist and my writing will probably be full of mistakes and unworthy of reading.
However, I'll keep on because I know that I am entitled to share my experience, feelings, opinions, etc. because I am a human being. It is sad that it took me so long to realize that I am only human and talking about myself is pretty, pretty and pretty normal and nothing to be ashamed of and I like making mistakes because it is a great way to learn if you realize them.
Okay, I feel better now. To be your own mother is great  :) .
I wanted to write about this feeling I had these days. I feel as if I abandoned myself. I think I still spend too much time to keep imaginary perfect me (or just real me?) alive inside. It is like my whole dreams and the shiny, talkative, happy, funny me living in a very, very distant land inside me and on the outside I have that frozen, reckless, "I don't care about anything" me.  However, I actually do care too much and I am not in a very nice phase of my life (in terms of financial independence and a lot of stuff).
I feel like I am waiting for some magical power to come and do everything for me. I keep reminding myself it is time to realize you are an adult but I still depend on my childhood coping mechanisms, too much. I  feel shattered and away from myself and frozen and it is scary. It just seems too hard at times and I just want to give up, but I can't because I promised myself that I am going to try. 
I think I just need to accept the fact that recovery is really a slow process. I need to be patient and do my best to be real me because I don't want to feel like a frozen clone of me, anymore.

Hi!  I totally empathize with what you are feeling and describing here.  I too am an adult who is having trouble functioning on my own and with finances.  Being frozen is the cptsd coping mechanism I have gained as well, and I definitely know what it feels like to just want to give up.  I have some really helpful tools for healing that I have found over the years (before I knew I had cptsd) and am using them now to heal.  I'd be happy to share them with you if you are interested.  Good luck, and remember you are not alone!

sanmagic7

berceuse, i love the idea of making up a story for yourself.  life is a set of adventures, really, and we continue to go from one to another, learning as we go,  making changes from what we've learned.  we are the heroes of our own stories, of that there is no doubt.

i continue to see progress in you.  i hope you can see it as well.  you're not where you were, not as flustered, not as scattered, like you're slowly pulling your pieces together.  you'll find yourself in there, too.  big hug, lots of love to you.

berceuse

ajvander86,
Thank you, I would love to hear your tools, methods for healing. At this stage, I guess I am trying to accept that the trauma is there and will be there. I can't do much to live 25 years old's life,  I mean my life now. So, I would appreciate hearing how you proceed with your own life.

sanmagic7,
I guess I'm progressing. I mostly thought I needed to get rid of these feelings (the EFs), hated them and pushed them back and then hated myself even more. Just now, I understand that those feelings needed to be lived and felt. Repressing and sedating myself with excessive imagination was what I used to do when I was living them but it does not help for healing. So, I just try to accept, understand and be patient which is hard but quite helpful. I am learning about C-PTSD for a year but I just start to realize now what an EF is and why I am having it.

This morning, I woke up and felt stuck, helpless and angry. I don't know what was the trigger. Maybe this house itself or some furniture from the old house. I don't know. I started to imagine having a fight, running away and going no contact and some suicidal intentions in between. It was so real. Then I understood this was what I used to feel when I was a teenager. I don't need to run away. I can leave the front door whenever I want. I am 25, not 15. I tried to talk and calm my 15-year-old self. It actually worked apart from reminding the fact that I still did not get my paycheck from the last job and am completely broke. So, I can't leave now even if I wanted to.  At least 20 publishing house ignored my job applications. Although my classmate from the same undergrad studies managed to get an answer by applying less than 20. So, that feeling of -sth is completely wrong and defective about me, I wrote stupid things in e-mails and  I am not aware of them because I am too ignorant to understand that I made some vital mistakes- is here again. This sounds funny when written down but it is such a strong belief. I feel incompetent, defective and stupid. Last night, I could not complete an application because of that. It is so hard when some part of me is so eager to see me fail. Anyway, I will try again.

berceuse


I have been going through little storms, I mean there are too many ups and downs in one day that they felt like a storm to me. The mornings are especially the worst. Night time is quite better if I manage to stay awake. I feel at peace. Less or no destructive thoughts.

***Trigger warning***
The downs go to the limits of suicidal ideation. The thoughts like I am incompetent, defective, not made to live in this World, it is impossible that sth good will come out of me, ı will always live in isolation bcs no one can like me. Esp the isolation. It hurts too much but I somehow believe I deserve it. The core belief is that no one is going to like me the way I am. That's why I prefer to stay isolated and of course, it makes everything worse. 
Additionally, the things like you think you are too important, you are exaggerating, you are self-absorbed. You enjoy it. Your external life is so dull-which is true-, you have so much free time- true again- so you worry about yourself. You are lazy and empty, etc.  The classical weapons that part use to hit me.
The thing is I don't like this process. I do it because I had to do. I had to look inside me to see what is going on because I could not go on with my life. I would rather be living fully rather than being stuck and doing all this work. Any human being would prefer living their life fully.
***end***

The ups- talking about CPTSD, reading about CPTSD, opening myself more, talking about how I feel - actually how I can't feel most of the time, receiving help (any kind of), being vulnerable, trying to sit with the emotions that come with an EF, recognizing an EF, deep breathing (it is hard for me to breath deeply bcs ı feel sth is stuck and I can't breathe in further than shallow ones but sometimes I catch myself breathing in a relaxed body, full breaths that make the belly pump out), actually enjoying my time with people whom I conceptually know that I love, less hyperhidrosis (which is a result of overworking sympathetic nervous system)

I am getting better. One step at a time. The things like social life, doing the things I want /job or anything/, a little bit of consistency with wants and passions or simply having one, love and joy, they will come. 

Sorry for the terrible grammar and punctuation.

berceuse

I guess what hurt me most was isolation and I keep repeating it myself over and over. Detached from others, detached from myself; just floating in the void. Going out scares me because I need approval and validation all the time even from people I do not know. My fantasy world is based on shortly, doing x and getting the approval of y. Y can be anyone and x can be anything. and this brings a lot of fear of rejection. I have no sense of self. The things I thought I wanted to do, are there because I believe them to be a source of approval, love, and validation. My sense of self is shaped by others' views. So, the things I followed and gave up on in a minute.. Probably none of them is my want or need. This is terrible. I have got nothing inside. I always thought I want to do so many things and they keep changing and give me panic feelings, as a result. No. This is * terrible. I am completely empty. No feelings. No wants. Nothing.

berceuse

#59
***possible triggers***
I do not know what to write. Whenever I think that I am getting better, I end up getting lost. I don't think this is an EF. It feels like I am on a helicopter, flying over a terribly ruined area after a natural disaster and trying to make a report about the damage. It resembles the setting in my nightmares: a completely destroyed, muddy, colorless, desolated ruins of a city. I don't know why my inner world has such a post-apocalyptic image. This sounds cheesy but it suits. I don't have much to tell about trauma. I am not sexually or physically abused. I don't remember a specific incident(s) to talk about but I have been ignored to the point that I felt non-existent and non-human. I also do not remember it but I know the feeling quite well. Now, my whole system is pushing me to live that non-existence because I am that. I am not resisting or angrily defending myself against that system which tells me I am dead and I deserve dead people's life which means no life. I actually agree with being nothing. Nothing defines me.

Why am I writing this? Most of the time I write with the expectation of somebody loving and admiring me, in return. I don't like it but the expectation is always there. Maybe, it is the reason. No, it is not the reason. I write because I need to share what is in my mind. The reason is not approval but the expectation always is.

I used to think I will be a great X then everyone will like me to the point of admiration. X depends on the trigger of movie-like daydreams. Being a sculptor was one of the repetitive ones and I thought it was my real desire. I am drawing and painting on and off since my childhood. The off's can be quite long and I ended up developing nothing professional. Sculpting was relatively new. I attended some courses in school and I discovered I spent my time in a trance-like state while doing it. I could spend hours doing or thinking about what I was going to do and especially the daydreams gave me thrill. However, "the interaction with human beings" part was too much for me and has always been.  I am really sensitive about not being a part of something and I usually cannot be a part because of that. The core belief is that no one is going to like you because you have got nothing to offer. I am scared that everyone is going to see how empty I am. As far as I have observed, the average human interaction consists of memories of past incidents, gossip about the third person, love life and current agenda. Unfortunately, the longest conversation I can do is probably about my obsessive examination of the self which turned out to be nothing indeed. I have no proper past memories. I don't remember how I used to spend time with family, friends. No funny games, no adventures. I only kept a record of other family members' fun memories as they told me over and over. No gossip. The first reason is I don't like it. The second one is, I am so unaware of my surroundings that the probability of me not knowing the third person is 98%. Yes, no love life of course. I am ashamed of the possibility of sb liking me or me liking sb in a romantic way. The last one, you can't build a friendship on world/county agenda which is ironically terror and inhumanity most of the time. So, what should I talk with people? I discovered two years ago that I was not crazy indeed and it changed my life and now I am struggling because I probably did not develop a self.  :applause:  What a fun way to start conversations! Most of the time, isolation seems like the only choice.