Keeping the candle lit...

[woodsgnome]

From a time as a teen when my spirits hit rock bottom to where even fairly recently, suicidal thoughts have ridden not far beneath the surface during my fragile times when hope seems lost. It got to the point where I got rid of obvious temptations like sharp knives though I had other non-object methods.

There were huge periods in life when I thought I'd ridden past the s temptations, but it still seems to hover over everything. Even though I found an extremely good therapist, in my opinion, well even that played tricks on me--ranging from I don't deserve anything good from any of this and I'm so sick of thoughts that revisit like they won't let me go until...

Something else, when starting this round of therapy a couple of years ago--I was determined not to slide back like I'd always done, but stick with even the hardest parts, which seemed inevitable. But even with the regard I hold for this therapist, I found that rubbing up against the issues that made me suicidal in the past were tantamount to re-igniting the possibility yet again.

My therapist recognized this, and gently brought me back each time. Not in a pressure way at all, but allowing me to find my way past the pain short of the suicidal option. One day she suggested that I pause, take some moments, and consider committing to somehow not consider that option for a time period...a week, three months, etc.; whatever felt right for me. I could think about it, as seemed likely given where I'd been. She let the suggestion filter for a bit; then I decided, just before that session ended, that yes, I'd commit to 3 months, risking the notion that my life was indeed worthwhile. That little suggestion of hers to commit has made an enormous difference.

We still 'renew' occasionally; the times the s notions float in seem less, but can still happen; yet they seem more distant all along. I've made a bit of a ritual now--when I'm due. She doesn't remind me; it's my doing, this choice for life, and she's careful to consider my personal power in re-setting my own directive to live. Nowadays it's usually a simple observance where I bring a candle and use it in a kind of renewal commitment, incorporating an eagle-puppet she gave me that carries special symbolism for me. Even though I currently do this with a therapist's help, I'd encourage anyone to re-commit to life as best they can. In my case the slight ceremony elevates the intent above mere thought.

So that's what I do now...commit to life via these renewal 'contracts' with my therapist, plus things I do beyond the therapy; after all, that's where any of this new direction will be acted on--this choice for life. It's helped me strengthen my ability to believe her when she tells me what she sees in me that really does make me feel that yes, I have worth, and can use my deep empathy and other traits in ways that I've always done, even when I didn't recognize what a positive effect I was having. Inner critic has also, in this process, has lost a lot of the power I'd given away to it. While I credit my therapist in the most recent re-framing of this, I think I'm at a point too where I feel what she says I'm also realizing independently, on my own; that I do have value in this broken world.

I wrote the following in the 'cafe' section of this forum once; though I guarded the s word from being glaringly obvious, it was there. Anyway, what I said there still holds so I'll repeat it:

Oct. 1, 2016... "Today I'm forever grateful for my therapist. She stayed with and gently, patiently laid out a challenge, allowing but also guiding me to find a way past a recent extreme crisis situation. ...Honestly, words can never express what that means in my heart as I  rediscover life, and along with it rekindle the withering flame of hope from having nearly been  extinguished."

That flame still holds, and is precious. Thank you for listening.

[sanmagic7]

you are precious as well, and i'm glad you've decided to stay with us.

i've been down that s path before, on several occasions.  it's not fun.  i finally was able to hold onto the notion of what that would do to my daughter and hub, and now that the love for them has strengthened over time, i know i could never hurt either one of them like that.  so, i'm hanging around, too.  whatever works, right?!  hangin' together!

[radical]

You have value in this broken world, we have value in this broken world.

That can be so hard to believe and hold onto.  We hold the candle for each other here.  You've held that candle for me by your honesty and your presence, Woodsgnome, others here too. 

Maybe not just hanging together, but holding onto the light together.

[mourningdove]

I'm glad you are here, woodsgnome. 

[Candid]

One day she suggested that I pause, take some moments, and consider committing to somehow not consider that option for a time period...a week, three months, etc.; whatever felt right for me. [...] That little suggestion of hers to commit has made an enormous difference.

I envy you your T, woodsgnome, and I admire the trust that allowed this relationship to happen. Thought-stopping is indeed a powerful tool. Although I think of my FOO members every day, I'm working on getting rid of rumination because it prevents me being where I need to be: in the here and now. I'm considering writing a letter to each of them -- not to be sent, of course -- when I feel ready to do it and let them all go their way without me.

The S word still bites me on the backside when I'm tired and can't fight the thoughts, or start wondering whether my pain-filled childhood really was all my fault. Curiously enough, it's S for Safety. Without the option of that forbidden S, my present would be very hard to bear. I tell myself there is a way out, start thinking about quick and painless ways that would definitely do the job, and there never is one so eventually I pull out of it again.

It's important to have a goal to work towards. Not just freedom from our distress, but something that would make us feel great about ourselves. For me it's the hope that I might be able to tell my story one day. One of the things trauma victims/survivors lack is a coherent narrative. People ask us "Why on earth did you do [whatever self-defeating thing we did]?" and we can't explain. It's all tangled in long and painful explanations that don't make sense, even to us.

Stay with the forum, I say. I can post snippets of my past here and people get it, without tricky questions.

I too am glad you're here.

[Contessa]

Woodsgome, glad you're here. You have given me some wonderful snippets along with many others.

[woodsgnome]

Thank to those who have shared their feelings here. I'm trying to take your kind words in and feel deserving of their message--I can't fully explain how much they mean to me, but my heart knows. 

As late as December, I had a plan to end things, following a steep emotional slide and a crisis situation in Septbember. My plan wouId have been easy to carry out, but in the interests of this thread's (and site's) intent I will not share details. It was a crisis that passed by but still seems close, when it feels like I'm slipping back. All I can add here is that the ritual commitment and little candle ceremony I described earlier were essential in helping point me to where I'm feeling more comfortable and compassionate towards myself.

Something I've learned from that has resulted in re-framing my pessimism concerning goals--I tend still to regard goals as set-ups for failure...EXCEPT...when it's one's heart, and life, in the balance. Every day now I begin by asking "What is your heart like today? What can you do to focus on the new life you're living now?" With some variation, I'm setting the goal to stay present to my heart's desire--first to live with strength, knowing there may always be rough riffs along the way; even while not knowing for sure where the road may lead. While It won't always require a formal commitment ceremony, still my simple but powerful little action of lighting that candle helped brush away some of the other recollections that have haunted me so badly for so long.

Yesterday I renewed  my pledge to keep with this life at my therapy session, where I first was challenged to find this new direction by my T back in September. Then last night the vivid moonlight served as my candle, guiding me to a favourite nearby vista overlooking a wild river. Once, I'd had notions of self-harm there; last night they were supplanted by thoughts of my promise to continue and build on life, to flow in grandeur like the waters below, and to not prematurely snuff out my heart's greatest desire--to find and relish the peace I was once denied. Sometime the will seems to hang by a slender thread. Now I'm near exhaustion but nonetheless refreshed.