For those traumatised in FOO

[Candid]

What do we mean by recovery? Recovery to what, exactly?

I think back to the infant slapped and yelled at by my primary abusegiver. Mother. What a loaded word!

The bright-eyed little girl who did well in school ... and was called a "big head" at home whenever she scored an A.

The unhappy teenager who just didn't make friends, and who spent most of her time at home in her room, reading, writing into a journal which, unbeknown to me, Mother was reading while I was at school.

The shy, terrified worker who had her own very low glass ceiling, was head down while other employees were goofing off, was always given the more difficult or late tasks, was bullied out of one job and quit many others in despair, who regularly went to the ladies' toilet and sobbed.

The rape victim who was too polite to refuse a lift home, and much too well-brought-up to kick out the guy's car window.

The wife who was beaten, raped, totally controlled and monitored, until she ran in fear for her life.

The hobo accused of ruining other people's address books because she could never stay anywhere for long.

The patient who went from doctor to doctor being given anti-depressants and who was twice locked up for psychosis.

The people-pleaser who somehow pleases no one, apart from her second husband who lives in a different world to the rest of us and can't hold a job.

What hope of 'recovery'? What would it look like? What would I look like? What can I hope for apart from dragging myself through to the bitter end?

[sanmagic7]

my dearest candid, how horrible for you to have gone through all that (and more, i suspect).  c-ptsd is the beast of many arms, which is why it's called 'complex' in the first place.  there is no easy answer to your questions, no 'one answer fits all' for what you've gone through and what it will take for you to come out the other side.

there is, however, support, kindness, caring, and generosity here from people who understand, who have had similar experiences, who just 'get it'.  this community is dedicated to helping ourselves and each other to know we're not alone, we're not crazy/psychotic (psychotic people don't write as coherently as you), and i can use myself as an example, with all the help i've found here, i've made more progress than i ever thought possible along the road of recovery.

recovery is a process, first and foremost, a means of eventually looking at and seeing what happened to us, acknowledging the damage it's caused us, understanding how we used whatever defense mechanisms we had at hand to stay alive and sane in the most horrendous of situations, and re-learning how to build better boundaries for ourselves, how to take care of ourselves in the most healthy way possible, and how to embrace the strong yet flawed human beings that we are in a loving way.

recovery is not fast, may be difficult and painful at times, but will never damage us.  instead, it allows us to assess our damage and do what is necessary to repair it so we can eventually live healthier, happier lives.  it is slow steps, small steps, movement that sometimes is forward, sometimes backward, but movement is always progress.  we can learn from our backward steps which increases our knowledge about how to manage such situations in a healthier manner for us in the future.

recovery is about truth, our truth, whatever that may be.  recovery brings the shame out of the darkness where it withers and dies.  recovery turns the guilt around and places the blame on those to whom it belongs.  recovery encourages our inner child to speak and be heard.  recovery helps silence those false statements about us that someone else laid on us when we were too young to fight them off. 

most of all, recovery is hope and trust in ourselves.  it is discovering the wondrous beings that we truly are no matter what we were told, no matter what mistakes we made, no matter how helpless we were.  it is a tapestry of all our experience, knowledge, and learning woven together to produce an adult who can stand up for and take care of him/'herself, an adult who has learned to love self and others.

it will take time, candid, of that you can be sure.  it will be a roller coaster ride at times.  there will be victories and setbacks.  it and you will be messy in the midst of transitioning from where you were to where you want to be.  just know, that it is do-able.  you can do it, one step at a time.  you've made a good start by writing about it here.  you are not alone.  we're standing right beside you.  big hug.

[Candid]

my dearest candid, how horrible for you to have gone through all that (and more, i suspect).

You suspect right. The overarching theme of all those bad scenes was not having anyone to go to for comfort and practical help.

with all the help i've found here, i've made more progress than i ever thought possible along the road of recovery.

Yes, I find it helpful already. Having read so much here about people's experiences in therapy, I'm armed to make a quick decision (ie. first session) as to whether this is someone who can help, someone who needs to be educated, or someone who's likely to do harm.

recovery is a process, first and foremost, a means of eventually a) looking at and seeing what happened to us, b) acknowledging the damage it's caused us, c) understanding how we used whatever defense mechanisms we had at hand to stay alive and sane in the most horrendous of situations, and d) re-learning how to build better boundaries for ourselves, e) how to take care of ourselves in the most healthy way possible, and f) how to embrace the strong yet flawed human beings that we are in a loving way.

Damn, that's a good recipe!!  I've got a, b and c pretty much under control, so the hard yards have been done. Now for the restructuring!

recovery is about truth, our truth, whatever that may be...   
and
most of all, recovery is hope and trust in ourselves.

These two paragraphs are beautiful, too. Poetry!

there will be victories and setbacks.  it and you will be messy in the midst of transitioning from where you were to where you want to be.

Yes, that's why I'm holding off applying for work. I have a particular employer in mind, don't know if there's a vacancy, but I don't want to enquire until therapy is over. The way I'm thinking, that could be very quick... once it starts!

Thank you, San, for showing me how far I've come.

[sanmagic7]

   back to you, candid.

[Fen Starshimmer]

Candid, I get where you are coming from. 

The overarching theme of all those bad scenes was not having anyone to go to for comfort and practical help.

Likewise... Having no support makes us vulnerable to more abuse when we are already traumatised. We need to be in a safe place, and, through trial and error perhaps, find healing/therapies that repair us, gradually, bit by bit.

Love this from Sanmagic:

recovery is about truth, our truth, whatever that may be.  recovery brings the shame out of the darkness where it withers and dies.  recovery turns the guilt around and places the blame on those to whom it belongs.  recovery encourages our inner child to speak and be heard.  recovery helps silence those false statements about us that someone else laid on us when we were too young to fight them off.

I am working on this part Sanmagic. I feel blessed that I can say I have come a long way on my recovery journey, and now feel more comfortable in my body, more grounded, stronger in all senses... but there is still lots more to do in the area cited above, and a few other areas.

What would recovery look like?

I'd say feeling happy and at peace with self and the world. Functioning like a whole person, having good feelings.

Candid 

[sanmagic7]

fen, i agree.  recovery would look just like that.  here's wishing it to all of us!  hugs to you all.

[Contessa]

From reading Candid's first post to now, I can agree with all.

But what I am also pleased and comforted to read of is what I perceive as relatively positive and constructive chat.

San mentioned just how complex our situations are, but even so it appears that more and more people who come here are becoming 'unstuck', if that makes sense. Me included. And it is clear to see with the progression of this post how people are looking and planning forward, knowing now what we can expect from the sharing of other's experiences.

[Candid]

Having no support makes us vulnerable to more abuse when we are already traumatised.

Exactly. When we're obviously out on our own, predators gather.

I'd say feeling happy and at peace with self and the world. Functioning like a whole person, having good feelings.

I'd like some of that!

it is clear to see with the progression of this post how people are looking and planning forward, knowing now what we can expect from the sharing of other's experiences.

Yep. I'm getting the blips out, here.

[Fen Starshimmer]

I'd say feeling happy and at peace with self and the world. Functioning like a whole person, having good feelings.

I'd like some of that!

You can have some too Candid! It's waiting for you  

You could try exploring new healing methods. A few years ago, I began meditating and listening to my intuition, and that's when things started to shift. My intuition told me that my problems weren't all in my head ie mental. So I looked at energy healing and tried several types. It may sound a bit 'out there' and unconventional but I discovered that my energy body was seriously messed up (meridians out of alignment, half my spirit detached from my body etc) and that was linked to feeling dissociated and numb. When at last I found someone with the right expertise, it felt like I was back in my body again, and I could 'feel' good emotions again, connect with people. So I know it's possible. And so much more is possible.

Keep going Candid 

SanMagic - thanks for the endorsement 

[sanmagic7]

energy healing sounds great to me, fen.  my daughter can detect energy, but has not explored the whole arena enough to do any healing type stuff.  when i was with her, she did a scan on me, told me the left side of my body was hot, especially my left hip area, and the right side was cold, while i had blank spots here and there around my body.  also, very hot/active in the area of my sacral chakra.  i don't know what all that means, but i want to begin looking into it more.

tai chi, qi gong, and related energy movements disturb my own energy greatly, so i can't utilize any of those,  i can't wear watches cuz i stop them, ever since i was in high school.  i'd love to go 'out there' with some of this, but there are no resources here or near where i live.  looks like some internet research will be required.

i'm so glad you had some pos. experience with your energy worker.  perhaps some day . . .

[Blueberry]

Sanmagic, that is interesting what you write about energy movements disturbing your own energy. I haven't tried tai chi, but qi gong exhausts me so much! So much that I can hardly stay standing, I want to sit down and just do the upper body movements. And I yawn almost non-stop. I have been told in the past by therapists that it's obviously good for me since my body reacts so strongly, especially with the yawning because that seems cleansing for my soul, but I have to wonder if it's really that beneficial. I mean, it's easy to say if you're not the one who's then so exhausted you have to sleep for hours afterward.

Candid, sorry for hijacking the thread. I hope you find more and more peace and become more and more happy about yourself.

[Candid]

It may sound a bit 'out there' and unconventional...

Don't mind a bit of 'out there', me. In fact that's where I spend a lot of my time.

The difficulty is feeling so unmotivated. A couple of years ago I was seeing a naturopath who did a hair analysis and determined my various vitamin levels were all over the place. We started with Vitamin D and he urged me to increase my calcium, then I had the accident that left me in a very strange space. Without my bike helmet I think I might have left this vale of tears, quick and clean. Never mind.

I wouldn't be surprised if my spirit were detached from my body; it's certainly been AWOL for a very long time. The body still makes its demands, which means the reason I get out of bed in the mornings is needing a wiz. Apart from that I truly feel like a dead woman walking.

Thanks for the hug and encouragement.

i can't wear watches cuz i stop them, ever since i was in high school. 

Me too! Or at least, I did. Then I found the cheapest plastic watches will keep perfect time for a couple of years, so that's what I wear.

Candid, sorry for hijacking the thread.

Oh, is that what happened?  :lol:

Thanks for your good wishes, all of you. One foot in front of the other for this old gal.

[Candid]

As some of you know, I've been hanging on (and on) for trauma therapy that I was originally told would be in about four weeks' time. It's now been six weeks since I was assessed.

H has been making calls on my behalf and today he shoved the phone in my hand and told me: "They want to talk to you." A woman's voice then asked if I was okay to talk, and I said I was.

The upshot of the conversation is that a bunch of people will be discussing me on Thursday, and that I haven't yet been accepted for help. We can call on Thursday after 2pm to find out whether I'm in, but the waiting list for actual therapy is six months long.

H asked if I wanted to "go private". Neither of us is earning, he gets a pension but I'm ineligible for help, and we're living in his parents' home which, at my age, I find incredibly humiliating and distressing.

Here's the strange part. When H started making calls he was told I wasn't even on the list following the initial assessment. H persisted until I was on the list, but I had a meltdown thinking I now had four more weeks to wait.

Now I've been told it's at least six months, a different reaction and one I don't understand. I've got this forum and I know some things have shifted for me since I've been posting here. I'm no longer looking to 'recover' from CPTSD. I am as I am. It doesn't matter what gets back to my FOO or who says what to whom about me: I accept the whole of me as I am now.

For some reason I feel ready to take on the world. And I haven't even been drinking. I hope it lasts!

[Three Roses]

For some reason I feel ready to take on the world. And I haven't even been drinking. I hope it lasts!

Me too! 

[Blueberry]

6 months wait.... 

But you sound so strong.  that you're ready to take on the world and accept yourself as you are now!! (I'm not that far yet).

We're here in the forum for you when there are times that it's not so easy.