No rose tinted glasses

[izzy]

Hi guys,

I've been dealing with this junk for awhile but I just realized it started in childhood. I'm going to share some memories so a trigger warning (no violence, just neglect...).

Only twice have I been treated for depression during 12 years. Most of the time no one asked how I was (since I was 12). I was horrendously angry/sad and it was so obvious. My mother simply said 'I stopped asking you about your day because you bite my head off' (blaming me for the disorder). I got PTSD from an alternative violent event outside the home. I did get therapy THEN (6 or 7  years after depression started which was given no treatment) which continued for awhile. I recall asking for support for ptsd which led to traditional, lazy 'I'll see what I can do' and only asking about it once or twice afterward. When it gets hard, the parent gives up, right? I developed chronic illness. I have had 3 doctor visits after 9 months. 'Parents' have suggested some treatments with no follow through. Again, I am chronically ill most of the time and almost 90% of my work getting better has been MY own research, healing and comfort. They seem to offer help to perpetuate the facade they are parents, while I suffer because no real work has been done, and they blame me for the symptoms that perpetuate. They immediately give up soon. Try, and then give up. I live here and have no one else to take care of me. I do not recall anyone ever asking me what my hopes or dreams were or any advice given as a child. I was forced to do chores despite the fact I had hypoglycemia which was NEVER TREATED. I once passed out on the floor and my mom walked around me. I passed out as a kid a lot and no one ever actually took me to a doc because it was a 'family condition, eat more food'. Never treated for migraines either. Never got new clothes or rarely 99% handmidown. We lived in a nice suburban neighborhood with good money. Have had to beg for vet treatments for lizards. Again I am so ill I can sometimes rarely breathe, thry have witnessed this, seemed concerned...and nothing has been done. I have screamed my truth and nothing is done. Everyone is blind to it. Once in awhile asking how I am is not enough! I have spoken a little and have been blamed (oh, WE'RE the bad parents?) I literally only know other relatives I could live with who would have to pay for medical treatment. It might be possible. They will buy me anything I ask for but dont ask how I am feeling, if I am recovering, and blame me (well, you like to keep to yourself/dont want my head bitten off) when I have always been alone to deal with sickness. I have rarely had good teacher mentors either. I will not die in this house from neglect. Do I need to move elsewhere? I am not recieving standard doctor care. They do not offer me unless I come up with the idea (which is too exhausting when I am so ill-I cant take all the responsibility). I am too tired to go seek care most of the time. But if I moved it would feel very stress free. I just need supplements/ a good diet and then possibly therapy or a massage therapist. I do not know of anyone else who can take care of me...they supply everything. My job interests were never asked. I was supposed to do it all on my own. They never asked my interests. I make it by but I realize my health may force things now. I realize how awfully neglectful this is though it never seemed that way. I cannot reason with them. They ignore and give up. They do not have stamina or interest. Help? I hate that I have to come up with all the ideas for my own health. They provide WHATEVER but dont do any work or research or care themselves. Its so cut off. I am too ill to provide research, energy into my healing. Thank you for reading 

[sanmagic7]

hey, izzy, welcome.  very glad you made it here.

i can so relate to having to take my health care into my own hands.  i've done research on my physical problems and given printouts to the docs i've seen.  some look at them, some simply push them aside.  it is so wearing! 

after years of talking to an endless array of docs, i will be seeing an internalist in a couple of months, and am going to take all my info with me, including info on c-ptsd, its symptoms, and how trauma affects the brain.  i'm hoping to get some answers finally.  have been struggling for more than 30 yrs.

i don't know the answer to your question, but i do know that you're not alone with this.  we do have to advocate for ourselves.  i think a massage therapist is a great idea - i've gone that route myself, and it made a big impact.  i also take a lot of supplements, and i believe they are helping me feel at least a bit better. 

i hope you find what you need and get not only help but relief.  being ill really takes it out of us, breaks down our spirit.  hang tough - you can do this.

[Whobuddy]

"... almost 90% of my work getting better has been MY own research, healing and comfort. "

Oftentimes, this is the best way to heal. Especially if those around you are not understanding. There is a lot of information available now. Keep posting and reading here; this forum can be a very beneficial part of your healing. It takes time.

[Kizzie]

Hi Izzy and welcome to OOTS     Do you have a physician and health care coverage? That's probably the best place to start to get the help you need.  It may be an idea to write out a list of your symptoms or record them on your phone if that's easier and take them to your appointment.  There are also some forms and information sheets here that may be useful - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/.  It is so tiring to have to find some help on your own I know, but most doctors can/will help.  When I was at my worst I reached out to mine and she referred me to a psychiatrist and an addictions counselor - almost three years later I am doing well in recovery so gather up your energy if you can and give it a try, you are worth it.