Facebook and Emotional Flashback

[jdcooper]

So I grew up with an extremely narcissistic father and bipolar mother.  My father chose me as a young child to pick on and verbally abuse but left my sisters alone.  My therapist and I are trying to figure out why.  I had a horrible adolescence, outgoing younger sis golden child took over friendships, excluded me, from parties and events was very cruel etc.  I spiraled downward into rebellion and partying and all the very bad things you can imagine a rebellious teenager doing.  In tenth grade I was flunking out, had no self-esteem, no friends, no parental support, cruel siblings, etc.  Somehow I managed to turn my life around and ending up getting good grades and score high enough on college admission testing to get into Michigan State University.

I had been so ashamed of my adolescent behavior and so proud when I overcame the worst odds and graduated with good grades from a rigorous program at the University.  I was so desperate for my fathers approval.  I asked him to come to my graduation and he refused and I didn't go.  During this period of time he and my sisters started taking annual ski trips without me that went on for decades.

So just recently I have come out of the fog and in the past 6 months have attempted to sort this out and decided recently that no contact with my family was best.  In my last therapy session my therapist asked me if I had a picture of my Dad.  My mom had told me that it was because I looked like my dad that he chose me to scapegoat.  That he was taking his hatred of himself out on me.

So I went on facebook to see if there was a picture of himself on his page that I could show my therapist.  And there it was; a photo featured prominently on his page of he and his granddaugther (my niece) with his arm affectionately around her at her recent graduation from Michigan State University, my alma mater.  And the most recent post was that of my sisters and dad and other extended family  at yet another ski trip at Jackson Hole.  Two of the most pivotal and painful reminders of my traumatic past staring me right in my face. 

I feel as though I have been stabbed right in the heart.

[Three Roses]

Omg, jd, how painful. I've had similar reactions to Facebook (Failbook) posts. To me it feels so lonely, so hateful, like I'm excluded from some life-giving source or something. I can't quite put it into words. I've felt so different, so "less-than". Is that how it felt for you?

I just don't understand it. Hugs to you!

[Candid]

My father chose me as a young child to pick on and verbally abuse but left my sisters alone.  My therapist and I are trying to figure out why.

That sounds dodgy to me. I hope you aren't casting around for ways in which you might have 'deserved' it! Curiously enough, I've found quite a few online references saying the second child is statistically the most likely to be scapegoated. No suggestions as to why that would be so.

I spiraled downward into rebellion and partying and all the very bad things you can imagine a rebellious teenager doing.

All the things I did in my teens!  I'd gone through several therapists before one of them suggested that in being 'bad', I was doing what my mother wanted of me... even though she punished and ridiculed me for it. This therapist said: "You were trying to be a good girl."

decided recently that no contact with my family was best. 

I have mixed feelings about it, but I've no doubt contact with them would be worse (and more traumatising) than the grief I feel now.

Two of the most pivotal and painful reminders of my traumatic past staring me right in my face.  I feel as though I have been stabbed right in the heart.

I hope you said as much to your therapist. Are you comfortable with her methods overall?

When my sister and I were still in contact she used to send me photos of family get-togethers, from which I, naturally, was excluded because I'd already gone NC with my parents. Finally Sis dumped me. Very hurtful, but better than trawling all over those photos, blowing them up on my screen to see if there were any reminders of me in my parents' home, and so on. Yeah, that was painful.

BTW, whenever I went down the road of trying to figure out why my mother was so horrible to me, my CPTSD symptoms got much worse. There's plenty of online info about family scapegoats and I occasionally go looking for it; I've yet to see anything that in any way blames the child in the dynamic.

[sanmagic7]

how horrible to be treated like that from family members.  i feel for you both, and can relate in some ways.  while my parents are both dead, my sister and i haven't been in touch for over 20 yrs., and i've also gone nc with one of my daughters (besides others).  it's heartbreaking on one hand, but, at least for me, it's also been a relief.  eliminating that abuse from my life has actually saved it.

from what i've learned, the roles of the children in a dysfunctional family are set up in order to keep the family intact.  the marriage is usually rocky, and often parents will have another baby in order to 'keep their relationship together'.  these roles are formulated to keep the adults from looking too hard at their own issues and roles.  whatever role a child takes on is to keep everyone together, but it is never the child's fault. 

children depend for their lives on their parents being there and taking care of them.   whatever is needed from the child to continue that dynamic, the child sacrifices him or her self.  this never means the child is innately good or bad, just that they get labeled as such by voices much stronger and louder than their own.  if it goes on long enough, they will come to believe it about themselves. 

the truth is that every child is born as a human being, period.  we grow up as human beings and become adult human beings.  we each have weaknesses and strengths, but neither is essentially good or bad.  they're just what make us human.  as we grow in recovery from the labels we've been given, we throw out what doesn't benefit our lives, and keep what does.  just my opinion.

[jdcooper]

Candid, I am confused about you saying "that sounds dodgy";  My therapist isn't encouraging  me to fish around - I am doing that.  I'm actually really curious about the facts.   I want to know everything about it.   I don't think I was chosen at random,  I think it is much more complex than that.  My mom is the one who told me that my dad abused me because I look like him.  I was also my grandmothers golden child (my dads mother) so that may have played a role as well.   I certainly don't blame myself either-I was an innocent child.  I can't remember the childhood abuse. My mom has just recently told me about it.  Because she told me it started young-I stopped blaming myself for my teenage behavior and how that may have shaped how my dad treated me.

Just in passing my therapist asked if I had a photo - like on my phone.  I told her I had a scrapbook I would bring.  That was the end of that conversation.  She certainly would never have me fishing around on facebook for a photo.  I did that.  It was a mistake.  I haven't seen her yet to tell her about it. 

She told me to trash the photo that came at Christmas without looking at it. (he always sends one)

I guess there are different schools of thought about whether its healthy to dig around for answers as to why one is scapegoated.  I am the intellectually curious type.  My therapist says that's the attorney in me.  Wanting the facts.  I am in the process of putting together a letter to send my dad; for my healing; and the more facts that get put in that letter; the better I feel about sending it.

Maybe some experts believe it's totally random, like being the second child.  Maybe that's easier for some to process - "it was because I was the second child and it had totally nothing to do with me therefore I am not at fault."  That wouldn't make me feel better-I would say that's a simplistic way at looking at family dysfunction.

I get that digging around to figure out why your mom mistreated you made your symptoms worse. 

Looking at those photos of family events from which you were excluded must have been very painful.

SanMagic and Bloomie-thank you for your insight and kind comments.

[hurtbeat]

I look very much like my N mom and she was very competitive towards me as if she was jealous of me as a woman.
One time I also had a boyfriend with a father who was pretty N-like in his behaviours and he was always a bit meaner towards him compared to his younger sisters.
(Need I say he looked a lot like his father?)

So yeah, it could be that they are projecting all of their self hatred and self doubt onto us because of it.
I imagine they see us as a bad clone or an evil twin.

[Candid]

Maybe some experts believe it's totally random, like being the second child.  Maybe that's easier for some to process - "it was because I was the second child and it had totally nothing to do with me therefore I am not at fault."  That wouldn't make me feel better-I would say that's a simplistic way at looking at family dysfunction.

I've taken a long time to reply because this triggered me big-time. I've spent all my life believing there's something inherently bad about me that everyone can see at 50 paces, but no one will tell me what it is. Because of this, I'm socially very awkward and avoid people as much as possible. I've been chronically lonely all my life, and still am even though I'm married. First husband hit me before we were married; I married him anyway and it got worse afterwards, until I believed he might actually kill me in one of his rages and ran for my life leaving all my possessions behind. My husband is mentally challenged (lots of speculation but no official diagnosis) and virtually everything he says shows he can't begin to understand me or know where I've been. But there's no one else so I'm still alone, apart from this forum.

My first memory is of my mother slapping me and yelling: "You bad girl!" My last therapist said it was unusual for adults to remember potty training, but that it had been traumatic. I remember it clearly. She sat me on the potty in the living room, went off to the kitchen and apparently forgot me. I'd long finished and already knew better than to call her. The potty had become uncomfortable. It occurred to me that if I stood up and retrieved my own pants, she would be pleased with me.

The potty came up with me, fell back and sloshed its contents on the carpet; I started crying.

There was no internet until I was well into my 40s and I didn't begin to understand myself until about five years ago, when my sister told me on the phone: "Obviously you were the family scapegoat, but you're an adult now and you make your own choices."

I got off the phone and googled "family scapegoat". I didn't stop googling for days. And yes, my first response was to try my damnedest to figure out "why me?" I went into therapy and learned about CPTSD. It had baffled me for a long time that I had all the symptoms of PTSD but that those symptoms had been present for years before I was raped at age 19.

I agree there had to be dysfunction in my FOO for a scapegoat to be needed. I am led to believe that my mother and siblings are all much happier without me. Logically I can see NC is better than constantly having to ingratiate myself and feel rotten after contact with any of them, but that leaves me without a family, without a feeling of being loved by anyone, without a sense of belonging or even any idea of who I am. My intellect was my only tool until I dropped out of university a couple of years ago, and I wonder what I might have been or done if I'd had any support at all in the world.

And you know what? I still carry a huge burden of shame and guilt, still feel unable to face what's Out There without wearing myself out trying to be a people-pleaser. Virtually every life experience has confirmed that I came into this world as a contemptible person to be kicked around by pretty much everybody.

Relationship with our primary caregiver, almost always Mother, sets the template for every relationship afterwards. If we're loved, great. I'd like to have known what that feels like.

I'm about to enter trauma therapy and I'm already worried about it. I now have so many blips in my personality that I can feel (or imagine) therapists -- the only people I really talk to -- thinking: "No wonder her family didn't want to know her."

I can recount plenty of incidents showing my mother set out to hurt me. If that's my fault, I need someone to give me the needle so my suffering and the discomfort I cause other people are OVER. Because my whole life has been about pain, and I'm sick of it.

[hurtbeat]

I can sense your depression in the way you write about yourself and I think it's understandable that you are depressed, the way that you've been treated and then continued through life feeling like you are inherently bad.
And I recognize selling yourself short because of it even though you really come across as a smart person who can express yourself and define the things that pains you.
I too am very awkward amongst people and have also been dating men that are well below my own intelligence level, for me this has been a way of protecting myself I guess.
If I am with a man who doesn't really think or talk about feelings then he won't challenge me and I will always be able to control our conversations. (In the end it was this very thing that made me break up with them).

It's appalling the way your mother treated you, no child should have to suffer through pain and fear like that.
I'm sending all my love to that scared little child who tried to be good for mother   you really tried your best, I know you did!

[Candid]

Thanks for your kind words, hurtbeat. 

I too am very awkward amongst people and have also been dating men that are well below my own intelligence level, for me this has been a way of protecting myself I guess.

If I am with a man who doesn't really think or talk about feelings then he won't challenge me and I will always be able to control our conversations. (In the end it was this very thing that made me break up with them).

That's very insightful. I've noticed that I blossom in intelligent company but when it comes to intimate relationships I don't want to be challenged. It's always I who end relationships, too.

My FOO were all bright and articulate. I miss the 'in' jokes we had... even though a lot of them were at my expense. Very often I think I would have fared better if I'd never got my eyes open, but Mother's abuse worsened to the point where even I had to see it -- and by that time my father and siblings were so inured to it that it went over their heads.

you really tried your best, I know you did!

I know I did, too... but with my propensity for blaming myself, I still feel some regrets about the way in which I tried. If I'd been able to be more assertive years earlier, maybe I could have kept my family, and either halted their cruelty or let it boost my sense of self. But assertiveness is still something I lack and instead I became defiant, often to the detriment of my own best interests. That's given me something to think about: coping mechanisms that just aren't working any more.

[hurtbeat]

My FOO were all bright and articulate. I miss the 'in' jokes we had... even though a lot of them were at my expense. Very often I think I would have fared better if I'd never got my eyes open, but Mother's abuse worsened to the point where even I had to see it -- and by that time my father and siblings were so inured to it that it went over their heads.

Smart and bitter people can be a funny but hurtful mix, I've met people like that before.
On one hand they are so clever they make you laugh and the next second they make you feel stupid when you realize how they made a joke at your expense.
It makes it hard to trust them, hard to let yourself really laugh and you become very self conscious.

I know I did, too... but with my propensity for blaming myself, I still feel some regrets about the way in which I tried. If I'd been able to be more assertive years earlier, maybe I could have kept my family, and either halted their cruelty or let it boost my sense of self. But assertiveness is still something I lack and instead I became defiant, often to the detriment of my own best interests. That's given me something to think about: coping mechanisms that just aren't working any more.

Could it be possible for you to agree that the little child you once were weren't responsible for what happened?
I think we all need to start there, I know I try my best to hug my childhood self every day.

Blaming yourself for not being assertive reminds me of all of those self help books who make it seem like if you just change who you are then your problems will go away.
If we could just change our emotions at will we would probably be psychopaths and not have a care in the world 

[Candid]

Could it be possible for you to agree that the little child you once were weren't responsible for what happened?

I wholeheartedly agree, and this is where I came in. Part of me -- possibly more than 50 per cent -- believes I must have been filled with evil right from the start, to have been treated the way my mother treated me. That way lies monstrous depression, self-isolating, general timidity and misery. I have to fight feelings of guilt and shame every day. I also think of my FOO every day, and don't know how to stop it.

I know that questioning "what's wrong with me?" or "why did my mother hate me so much?" is a bad scene. I'm glad of this thread for making me focus on it. That's the first thing to address when I get into trauma therapy!

[hurtbeat]

I think you're doing a great job, Candid 
You just reminded me of when I got to know new parts of myself as I started to feel better; like my new, wider smile and how different my body language became.
It's exciting getting to know your true self underneath all the pain, there is someone waiting there for you 

[jdcooper]

Candid,

I am so very sorry that my comment triggered you.  I too suffer from self-blame and shame and pain and depression and agony.   Why me? and bitterness that my sisters weren't chosen.  I have been crying all day today.  I too don't have a family anymore.  Therapy is excruciatingly painful to me.  I guess truthfully I was triggered by your comment that my therapist was being "dodgy."  I struggle with trusting her or even trusting anybody.  I have gone through my whole life not being able to stand up for myself.  I know that seems strange because I was an attorney but believe me I only survived by not going to court and just seeing clients.  Clients liked me because I was emphathetic.  I tried to survive my horrible childhood by overachieving.  It didn't work.

But you know whose fault it is that I had to quit my law practice.  My family.  And you know whose fault it is that you feel bad about yourself-your family.  WE ARE NOT TO BLAME.   I read a book, called, The people of the Lie,  the author said that Malignant Narcissism is evil.  EVIL.  The Narcissists deliberately pick out their scapegoat and treat everyone else normally.

He writes "Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad.

They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others...Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters....The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures."

Me trying to intellectualize all of it is a defense.  And I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND why you were triggered.  I am so sad that you were so horribly treated and that you feel that you are the "bad" one.  My rational brain knows that I am not the bad one but my emotional brain is still trying to figure that out.

The author goes on to say that Children of evil parents enter adulthood with very significant psychiatric disturbances.  To come to terms with evil in one's parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful task a human being can be called upon to face.

THE MOST DIFFICULT TASK.  I am 100 percent with you Candid and again I am so sorry for my over intellectualizing what you were trying to say.

[Candid]

You just reminded me of when I got to know new parts of myself as I started to feel better; like my new, wider smile and how different my body language became.

Thank you, hurtbeat, for a very timely observation. I watched a youtube yesterday about authenticity, and wondered if I can ever figure out who I really am under the pain and fear.

I am so very sorry that my comment triggered you.

No need to be sorry, jd. I'm glad it came up, and also glad that I waited a day or so before replying. I have a lot to process and it was a good thing this got so in my face. 

I was triggered by your comment that my therapist was being "dodgy."

Actually I meant that looking for self-blame was "dodgy". Very small children are egocentric; eg. if their parents divorce, they blame themselves. I know my earlier efforts to understand "why me?" began and ended with the understanding that I was "bad". That was what my mother told me, ergo that was what I believed.

I have gone through my whole life not being able to stand up for myself.

Yes, me too. And I give myself a pat on the back for thinking about the issue of guilt and then replying as vehemently as I did.

I tried to survive my horrible childhood by overachieving.  It didn't work.

Ditto. Everything I achieved was taken from me. Maybe it's what Louise Hay wrote in You Can Heal Your Life: "Guilt always seeks punishment." All through my life people have told me I don't seem to like myself, or I always seem to be apologising for myself, and so on. Thanks a bunch, Mother!

My rational brain knows that I am not the bad one but my emotional brain is still trying to figure that out.

I'm sorry to say my rational and subconscious selves are on the same side: guilty as charged. I can see how I've behaved oddly all my adult life, isolated myself and been passive-aggressive when cornered, because I'm so full of rage at the ruination of my life and selfhood.

But again, please don't feel bad about triggering me. I honestly believe it's a good thing, and that something has shifted in the past couple of days.

to both of you.

[jdcooper]

I still feel some regrets about the way in which I tried. If I'd been able to be more assertive years earlier, maybe I could have kept my family, and either halted their cruelty or let it boost my sense of self. But assertiveness is still something I lack.

I feel this way too.  I let things go - too many times to count.  I guess I worried if I spoke up, someone would be mad at me; and that would leave me abandoned.  I am constantly asking my husband if he is "mad at me." 

I think what they did is squelch our basic instinct to stand up for ourselves; and that is the greatest crime of all.  If we as children are told to put up and shut up or else you won't survive-what are we going to do? Chose death?

I have a couple situations with my therapist that I need to stand up for myself and I am terrified.  How hard should it be to say I don't agree with you on that.  On one issue, I was so mad, I texted her a very lengthy message and then just deleted it.  Just swallowing things again.  On Tuesday I am going to have to stand up for myself and explore those things.

I am angry; so angry and yet so scared to feel this emotion.

I am so glad you are starting therapy and recognizing issues that you have to work through.