Sex and Alcohol Issue - Stuck in Resentment, Guilt, and Fear

Started by BrokenDollMagnet, February 09, 2017, 08:44:56 PM

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BrokenDollMagnet

A month ago, my boyfriend turned down sex after I had a glass and a half of wine. He explained that he didn't like the disconnect that alcohol use causes and that it had scared him the last few times we had sex after two drinks and I had been rough.

I respect his right to refuse sex at any time and to establish any boundaries he likes. That isn't an issue.

His explanation was a huge trigger for me. The part that bugged me most was that he said he felt that I had been behaving too rough before... and he had not brought it up before this. I am just mortified. At the time, he seemed to be having a great time, and he thanked me for the intimacy during and afterwards. Now I find out that he felt that I had been too rough.

I asked him about what exactly he didn't enjoy, and he somewhat back-pedaled and said that I hadn't hurt him and that he liked what I did, but he was scared the entire time because he was afraid my being intoxicated would induce me to not respect boundaries.

This explanation didn't help. When I had thought we were mutually enjoying intimacy, my beloved had been reluctantly have sex with a person he was afraid would abuse him.

I am now awash in guilt, shame, resentment, and fear. The resentment and fear are due in large part because he has been apparently feeling this way and enduring those interactions for over a year, but he didn't interrupt those previous acts to say anything, he didn't say anything the next day, and I had no idea how worried and uncomfortable he was.

He keeps assuring me that I didn't do any act during sex that he didn't enjoy, but he's afraid I will if I drink first. He said that his father used to drink and would show up in his room and just ramble for hours and refuse to leave. He now has a dislike and distrust of people when they have been drinking.

All this makes sense and his boundary is perfectly reasonable.

But I haven't offered or accepted a solicitation for sex in over a month, and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon. He's upset by my reaction and feels badly for having upset me. He has apologized repeatedly, which makes me feel worse because his new boundary is perfectly reasonable.

The problem is that I don't feel I can trust him to be honest with me during sex if something bothers him. I don't feel comfortable doing anything remotely kinky or dominant because I don't know if later... maybe another year later, he will tell me how he was smiling at the time but really was secretly counting the seconds for it to end.

I don't even feel any interest in vanilla sex. I'm a lifestyle Domme and a consensual-only-sadist. I am aroused by the response of those to whom I give pain. He knew this from the moment we met and expressed great delight in being with me. He says he is a moderate masochist and has been expressing great interest in experimenting with new and more extreme things. But that sure isn't going to happen. I don't understand why he even wants to have sex with a sadist he doesn't trust to respect his boundaries, despite the fact that he says I haven't hurt him as he feared. And to me, resorting to just the basic sex act that I find very disinteresting, because I don't trust him, is not a positive reason to have any form of intimacy.

And to compound the problem, I am on anti-depressants and a birth control that have killed my physical sex drive. Thus far, only alcohol has made me feel libidinous. So in a pathetic and unreasonable way, it feels like he wants to have sex when he's horny, but it doesn't matter that I'm not. In fact, he doesn't want to have sex with me when I am aroused, because that requires a little booze.

Alcoholism runs in my family, I know. Maybe I am one? I drink once or twice a week and certainly not enough to black out our be staggeringly drunk. But whether I am an alcoholic or not, it doesn't matter; I feel like a scorned drunkard.

He says he loves and respects me, and I correct him, "You love me, but you don't respect me. I don't respect me either at this time. I unwittingly subjected you to unpleasant sex and didn't pick up on it when I should have. I abused you. I am a drunken abuser. My kind of people aren't respectable."

I don't know how to get past this. I am so upset with myself. I am in the process of withdrawing from one SSRI to ramp up on another, in hopes it will help my depression and lack of libido.

Maybe it will help. I'm just so low right now.

We usually have a very calm and contented relationship, and I certainly am not hysterical. I don't know how to talk to him about this more. I don't see a solution. I don't want to have sex with him when on alcohol. I don't want to have any kind of sex other than enthusiastically appreciated sex. I will hopefully fix my libido issues with the med change. It's helping some already, but I just don't want to be sexual with him, given what's happened.

I'm sure this goes back to my feelings of inadequacy because of my NPD father's abusive behavior. It also isn't helped by the BPD ex who intentionally got me drunk (adding hard liquor to wine) and then solicited me for sex because of my low libido. I don't trust people to be honest anymore.

I never want to harm people I love, but apparently I did. This is one of my greatest fears realized. I'm certainly not going to inflict my horrible personage on him again. I hope we can find an arrangement that works. Maybe we'll rebuild the trust somehow. Maybe we'll find outside partners.

I can only work harder on myself and try to talk this out with him. This is a really disappointing setback. I hate being triggered and I hate CPTSD. I trust no one, particularly when it comes to sex.

Three Roses

Having thought about this at length, I think there is no way you should hold yourself responsible for the fact that he didn't let you in on how he was feeling. In a relationship such as yours, it takes utter honesty to keep things moving smoothly. The fault here was his, not yours.

Do the two of you have a safe word and if so why didn't he use it, if he was frightened? I hope you continue your dialogue on this subject, for both your sakes, so the rift does not become permanent. :hug:

BrokenDollMagnet

I've been thinking this all through some more.  I suspect I am feeling vulnerable and rejected to an unreasonable degree. And for some reason, I've been triggered yesterday to a near-panic stage.

I need to take ownership of the fact that I made a poor decision to offer sex when I am intoxicated. I haven't hurt him, but he's right, I really could.

(As an aside, yes, we have a very thorough safety system including safe words, tap out, gestures, and, because we are poly, we have a third person in the house who makes sure to keep an ear alert for any sounds of distress. I also have a first aid and CPR certification. I have no interest in harming anyone.)

I think I'm feeling rejected and vulnerable because I already feel a great deal of shame and guilt when I drink.  Being rejected by someone else because I have been drinking is just confirming and compounding the shame.

I'm frustrated with the alcohol issue because i don't like to drink at all.  I had hopes that switching SSRIs would allow me to feel pleasure when enjoying any hobby or activity, but it hasn't helped yet. I feel no joy in any of my former interests, and that numbness is debilitating. Alcohol gives me a brief sense of pleasure. It's a wretched and dangerous form of self-medication. I resent feeling desperate enough to resort to alcohol to feel good, and I resent being rejected because of the alcohol.

I'm looking back at my family of origin and trying to figure out where this ridiculous sense of vulnerability and rejection came to be.

That's where I'm at now.

My boyfriend doesn't return for another week, and in trying to get myself figured out before he returns. I not want to project my shame on to him.

I still don't know what to do about our trust issues.

Being a sadist who dates a light masochist is difficult. There's shame there and a sense of rejection, despite the fact that is just a difference in our preferences and does not reflect on me personally.

He is a very submissive and kind person. That aspect of our relationship is very compatible, and we work very hard to communicate openly and respectfully.

But geez I don't know what to do about the sexual incompatibility. We aren't open poly, so we don't want to find external partners. We could seek new people to being into the household, but that would take a great deal of time, and that all wouldn't address the rift between my submissive and I.

I'm not a boundary pusher when it comes to sadomasochism. I have a great abhorrence of giving unwanted pain and I don't even like to get close to someone's limits. This is also why I am so mortified by his telling me his fears. This means he doesn't trust my intent to do no harm, and that really hurts. I view pain as just another sensation to provide an eager loved one. And like any sensation, people have preferences in what they like. He's basically afraid I will cross his boundaries without his consent. That's horrifying thing for a loved one to admit; that they fear you will sexually assault them. 

This is why I much prefer to be in sexual relationships with heavy masochists. They are excited by the prospect of my providing pain. Unfortunately, I'm a light to moderate sadist, so heavy masochists feel unsatisfied in my limited interests.

I'm terrified of being an abuser. It's my greatest fear to become my father, who is now a collapsed narcissist, alone and bitter. My last ex used that against me and in a smear campaign when I dumped her. I am so terrified of harming someone unintentionally and not being told about it until much later.

The fact that he's afraid I might do so is a nightmare realized.

So I'm back to doing more research on being am adult child of a narcissist. I need to work on me and to combat this sense of shame. My orientation and sexual partiality are valid, and I need to learn to love and trust myself. Clearly, I don't.