Hi everyone - I don't know if I even belong here

[Waking up]

Hello everyone

Potential trigger

First of all, I am very grateful to find this forum and secondly, I do not know if I even belong here. I have not been to a therapist and I have not been diagnosed with C-PTSD. The diagnosis does not exist where I live, but I have been on SSRI medication for 15 years now, slowly coming off the medication for the last 2 years. Before that, I was diagnosed with a depression about 20 years ago when I was in my early 20s, but I did not stay medicated. I went to a psychiatrist for a while as a part of my treatment, and he was the first to point out that my family background was traumatizing - that came as a big surprise to me, initially, as I was under the assumption that my family was "normai".

Today as an adult I feel like I am going through the motions of life and I have no real grasp of who i am. I have a very low self esteem and social phobia. I have physical symptoms as well, often a pain/tightness in the throat and stomach. I also have a feeling that people in general are not to be trusted and that I am unlovable.

I was bullied in school and my upbringing was affected by a lot of moving around from one place to the other. My parents were quite distant. Quite stern atmosphere, not many laughs. Bullying and teasing from dad and brother. My sister has told me that I should never have been born, that my dad tried to commit suicide, when he heart of my mother's pregnancy. My dad died when I was little and I became my mother's shoulder to cry own. I did not get any help. Suffered a lot with death anxiety in my childhood and teens. My mum got the diagnosis depression, when I was a teen and I took care of the household. I wondered where everyone is in the family were at the time. I still wonder. At 18 I got Anorexia Nervosa and depression for many years. I have been trying to escape pain all my life and I want it to stop.

So, here I am, looking normal on the outside and feeling an absolute mess on the inside 

[jdcooper]

Yes, you belong here.   I have not been diagnosed either.  I see a therapist and she knew nothing about C-PTSD. (but she is still a good therapist)  I too thought my family was normal- at least in my childhood years-but I have learned that it was not NORMAL.  I am 52 and just realizing this.  There is something about childhood pain that I think is different-especially when it is repressed.  I sought therapy two separate times-in my twenties and in my forties and we never even got to the childhood stuff.  And the childhood stuff is where the very severe damage is done.  To your identity, your boundaries, your sense of your place in the world.

I understand trying to escape pain for all your life.  I have done it all-avoidance-trying to get love from my family, a little bit of drinking, overachieving, overexercising, minimizing, denying etc.   I have recently learned that this pain must be processed.  We actually have to do the work to reintegrate that part into our being.  This is really difficult if you don't even understand or remember what happened to you as a child.  The journey may be difficult but it is better to be on your way rather than just numbing out.  The very fact that you are here means you are reaching out.

It might be helpful to reach out to a therapist.  This site has been invaluable to me as well.  Being validated-listened too-supported-understood- it is all good.  Keep on posting and welcome.

My mom was depressed as well when I was a teen.  So me and my sisters had to raise ourselves and take care of her.  (my dad divorced her and lived many miles away)

[Three Roses]

I would echo everything that jdcooper has said. I am also, like many of us here, self-diagnosed with CPTSD. I thought my family was normal, but relatively recently have remembered more details of my earlier life, and I'm 60. I have avoided dealing with it all; even though I've been to see a handful of counselors, I always stopped going when the surface got scratched a little too deeply.

You are welcome here, and I hope you find the same validation that many of us here have found.

[Waking up]

Thank you so much, jdCooper and Three Roses - I really do appreciate it

[Wife#2]

Waking up - of COURSE you belong here, you are welcome here and we're glad you came (though I hate that you've suffered alone for so long).

Pull up a chair when you have time. Read when you feel like reading, post when you feel like posting.

There are many here who can guide you to reaffirming and validating sites to help you understand the impact of your childhood on what's going on now. Research as you feel strong enough, this is YOUR life, YOU get to pace it however is comfortable for YOU.

I'm also self-diagnosed. I also thought my life was just fine, if a little overly sad. I entered therapy at least three times, sticking with it for a long time each time. When I look back with an adult's eyes I can see so much more clearly now. And, as a mother, I see better how bad the train was off the tracks.

I'm learning through all that I've finally remembered about my childhood that parent behavior AND sibling behavior has an impact on us. It can all work together to form a perfect storm of chaos, confusion and hurt that we must deal with to heal fully. So, have no doubt, just the little that you've shared convinces me that you do, indeed, belong here.

[Waking up]

Thank you so much, Wife#2 - I have not shared my whole story or recent events that seem like they have retraumatized me, because I have gone from "just" feeling anxious and hypervigiliant to waking up almost every night from nightmares.  I guess I both need some valuable tools for the tool box so I can manage my own life and to read and learn. One again, thank you 

[Rebel62]

I'm have also self-diagnosed myself as C-PTSD, but also the garden variety PTSD from some more recent events. So yes, you absolutely do belong. I have struggled with most of the symptoms of C-PTSD all of my life.  I'm not going to go into too much detail right now because I just got up (late) and am still working on my first cup of coffee and have brain fog.

So welcome! There are so many great resources on this site as well as a lot of really great people that are ready to chime in to help out! I don't find myself to be as helpful to others as other members are, probably because I'm still trying to find a starting point to recovery, but I can relate to what you are saying. You are not alone.

[Waking up]

Thank you so much Rebel62, I really appreciate your welcome and kind words 

[Kizzie]

I'm a bit late Waking Up but wanted to welcome you to OOTS too and add my voice to the "Yes, you belong" chorus 

[Waking up]

Thank you so much, Kizzie 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello waking up
Thank you for sharing, I relate to your story a lot it is similar to mine
Quote 'do not know if I even belong here. I have not been to a therapist and I have not been diagnosed with C-PTSD'
Me too
I have found/ find our forum here so affirming and supportive.. have learnt a lot about complex trauma and what I experience of it
Like you I have had enough to, time for change
Glad you are here and I wish u all the best on your recovery journey