What was I thinking?

[Rebel62]

After escaping my abusive home life, followed by a six month abusive relationship, followed by several months of "off the chart" self destructive behaviors, I entered the US Air Force in 1981 for a decade long stint of service. I also experienced abuse in while in the Air Force, primarily in my first couple years. By the time I got out and went to college, I really had a pretty good handle on my life, or at least I thought I did. The hyper-alertness, hyper-vigilance, not trusting anyone, anxiety, social anxiety were there, but I had pretty much settled down and was managing everything pretty good.

A couple years after graduating from college I bought land from  my parents and this became my home (this was in 1996) , where I still live today.  In the last 10 months plus since my daughter's first suicide attempt which led to me experiencing uncontrolled C-PTSD symptoms, I've been thinking about my decision to move here. My home is 100 yards from the farm house I grew up in, the home where I was severely verbally abused, physically abused, and witnessed severe abuse of my mother (including her attempted murder at my father's hands), and brothers and sisters. I live just 200 yards away from the man that sexually abused me when I was 10, and just a half mile from the "best friend", who sat by and did nothing when her older brother repeatedly sexually abused me at age 15 and 16, and who, without my knowledge, asked her cousin, who was 6 years older than me (I was 16) to try to have sex with me. I realized after I fought off his aggressive advances when I over heard her asking him if he was "able to" go "all the way" with me. She was disappointed when he said no.  And, when I look out my living room window, over into the woods behind my house, just 100 yards away, I can see the "spot", the "place", where it happened. Where at 10 years old, the then 15 year old who now lives 200 yards up the road from me, attacked me in the woods in a physical contact sexual assault. 

I love where I live, and for years I never even thought about this. I never thought about the fact that for some reason, I purposely moved back to the area where I experienced so much abuse. Why did I do it? Would things have been different for me if I had never build my home here? So many questions, so few answers. Rough morning this morning.

[bring em all in]

Sometimes it seems like a compulsion to recreate our childhoods, no matter how traumatic. I get so angry at myself when I look at my life and see how much of my childhood I've recreated.

[sanmagic7]

it must've seemed like a good idea at the time, a time when you weren't consciously thinking about all that went on before.

i guess now that you're realizing the impact of everything, it may be time to reassess your decision.   i don't doubt that many of us have done similar things, made similar decisions, and then decided that their time has passed, or have been able to change our perspective somehow.  i don't doubt you'll figure out what you need to do to stay as safe as possible, both mentally and emotionally.   something will change, that i know, because you're questioning it now.  that's a start. 

sorry to hear about your daughter's suicide attempt.  i have 2 daughters, have been through that with both of them.  thankfully, i believe it's in the past now, but there's always that little tick in the back of my mind . . .   best to you, with all of this.