The "Other" Parent (Codependent Parents)

[rosemarie]

UPDATE: I now believe that this article is about narcissistic abuse. That my mom is actually a super covert narc or whatever other Cluster B, and was and is abusive.

Um, having a bit of a revelation here, maybe it will help some of you to see this like it's helping me, and I would love to hear what you feel comfortable sharing if you relate cause this is a totally new concept for me. I've really been struggling about my mom. My dad was sexually and psychologically abusive parent with at best, NPD/Bipolar/schizoaffective, but perhaps actually true BPD, and he tends to get all the attention in my recovery as sole perpetrator (of course, don't they always get all the attention, cue: sarcastic laughter!).

But then I've got this other parent, the one who is 'supporting' me now as I'm disabled by CPTSD and it's other physically manifested disorders, and I've just really struggled with my mom. I have a really really hard time saying she has NPD because I just know her behavior is just not intentional and she actually thinks she is doing what's best for me. But it still feels darn abusive. And then that gets so mixed up in my head. Like her first response to me telling her about my dad's sexual abuse was "That happens to a lot of people and we just get over it." I mean that was flat out abusive, and when I confronted her it was like, well it happened to me as a child once. And she begrudgingly apologized and proceeded to help me get help and support me financially off and on ever since in my recovery. Except that she usually, despite me being disabled, threatens to pull out the rug from underneath me and I live in constant fear of being homeless, even though assured I won't be. She just gets in her mind I'm ok now and I can go live up to her unrealistic expectations. We have worked on this a lot and I think she's stopped, but I can't be sure. It's always there looming.

So I just read this article (posted below) and it BLEW. MY. MIND. Why have none of my therapists EVER mentioned what a codependent parent is? They were also super trauma competent. I always found so many resources about NPD and that kind of abuse, what about codependently entrenched parents? I will list characteristics from this article:

"1. The Codependent Parent has a Victim Mentality
Rather than dealing with the traumas and difficulties of their own life through healthy means . . . the parent latches onto a child and demands compensation . . . can take many forms . . . parent will live vicariously through a child."
This can be overt or covert, like my mom always expecting me to have perfect grades as a child and never admitting it. Or as an adult, expecting me to just magically recover based on her invented timeline and threaten to stop supporting me at random completely convinced she is being an enabling parent and causing my inability to thrive. I always felt like she was 'living' for her children and couldn't criticize it.

"2. The Codependent Parent is Never Wrong
So rather than listening to the child's feelings and problems and learning about the child's personality and way of being in the world, every situation becomes a threat to the parent's authority."
She is always right and cannot, under any circumstances be wrong. And it's completely unconscious, to the point she is actually delusional about basic truths, and if she pretends to concede a point there is amnesia about it in the future. And FORGET an apology, at best I get an insincere one.

"3. The Codependent Parent is Overly Emotional
When they feel that they are losing control of a situation they will resort to crying, screaming, and other acts of intimidation to restore the balance in their favor. When called out . . . accuse the child . . . or feign ignorance."
Like, accuse me of trying to manipulate for calling her out or needing her support or having anger and hurt from her actions...or go straight to intimidation because I'm financially dependent at this point. CHECK. Or silent treatments, especially when I was recently being abused by BF CHECK

"4. The Codependent Parent Never Listens
. . . like "talking to a brick wall" . . . even when presented with irrefutable facts . . . they refute them or move on to a different argument without addressing the point being made."
This one makes me feel particularly insane, not to mention completely abandoned, and I just sink into that abandonment depression and shut down, again. Ugh

5. The Codependent Parent Parrots Words and Phrases
"Whatever concern the child expresses the parent will find a way to turn it around and regurgitate it as their own, thus reversing the defensive and offensive roles . . . "
More crazy making. Needs never heard or validated, but used as ammunition, OUCH.

"6. The Codependent Parent Has Mood Swings
Parent will rapidly shift from one mood to another in order to avoid responsibility and guilt."
Convenient ones, that manipulate. My mom's are super subtle, I hadn't noticed this till I read it. This is obviously starting to wear me out.

"7. The Codependent Parent Must Maintain Control at All Costs
. . . Most codependent parents expect a level of devotion and love from their children that is unhealthy and unnatural, intended to make up for that which they lack . . . role-reversal."
My mom is on the subtle side of this as described in the article. It states this is their true nature under the facade. I always have felt like she has to have total control of everything. I guess it's not that different from narcissistic abuse? This is why I get confused, cause it is and it isn't. It's more unconscious than malicious and they are so deluded they are helping you you can end up believing them!

"8. The Codependent Parent Manipulates-Subtly
The most effective form of manipulation is the kind that you can never be called out for directly . . . silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, denial of wrongdoing and projection . . . often parent are genuinely unaware . . . believe that they are doing what's in their child's best interest . . ."
Amen. It's SO confusing. And also, what keeps me away from the NPD people is that I KNOW that they really KNOW what they are doing and it's intentional and the disgust makes me run from that. But it feels like this is pretty dangerous and unhealthy too.

I'm gonna say this is a LOT to process and a lot of info, especially if you can relate. I would love to hear anything you have to say about all this and your experience, as always. I'm feeling hurt, angry, confused, and relieved all at the same time. And also like renewed proof to myself and motivation for why I have to get out of learned helplessness cycle and get on my own, be able to support myself. I was partially stuck in this last abusive relationship with BF because I wanted to avoid this     

Article link: https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/8-Signs-You-May-Have-a-Codependent-Parent

[Three Roses]

Wow, that is a great article! Thanks for sharing it, rosemarie. 

[joyful]

OH. MY. GOSH. I need some time to process that...
I'm kinda confused though, because it's my narc parent that does ALL of those things. and i mean EVERY SINGLE ONE. is that possible? or are they codependent instead of narc? I'm pretty sure they are narc, cuz they do all of those things too. Can someone be both??? 
Well, that was super eye-opening for me. Like my entire life was just put into words.
Thank you for posting that Rosemarie

[rosemarie]

No, I think you are right Joyful. I think my mom is a narcissist and super covert. It is really hard for me to accept. That I am completely alone and have to take any steps I can now to get out of this house or how can I heal? She hasn't started in on me yet. I now think the article is misleading and totally off base. I mean what they are doing yes, but maybe this is the covert narcissist who has taken on the VICTIM role because maybe they were less overtly or perhaps physically abusive. SO they LOOK like a codependent. I am so mixed up and confused about her right now. What I have to hold on to, where something isn't right, is when her mask slipped when I told her I had memories of being sexually abused by my father and she told me that is something that happens to us and we just get over it. Then back tracked and became the super mother she pretends to be again, for therapists, etc, but always needs a lot of control in my recovery. And now, the fact that I was just badly abused, kept coming home looking like death off and on, even asked her to take me to psych ward one time and she ignored me and went to bed. I even confronted her about it recently and she didn't even respond. This is how I looked in childhood when I was being abused by my father, when she also did NOTHING to stop it. And when therapists have asked me to confront her, her response is this thing that feels like a justification/flat out lie: oh the lawyer said she didn't have a chance to get any custody cause they couldn't prove he was abusing us (sister too). She. Can. Do. No. Wrong=NARCISSIST. I'm sorry if I confused anyone but your feedback is helping me face the truth. This is so hard. I have to get myself together and leave this house as soon as I am able. I have to. She is hoovering me with financial help. She has this heavy duty guilt trip about how she is my rescuer and a great mom. Funny I've tested her recently really, like part of me knows. It's hard not to get sucked back into denial with the parents. "Omg, omg, omg" is what my mind feels like. When I told her I was upset recently her response was "Thanks for sharing" with a smiley face. What the heck is that? I mean I just have to look at the evidence I posted above and replace "codependent parent" with other parent plays victim and super parent card but is covert narcissist. . . help

[joyful]

I kinda feel like it could a different name for super covert narcissism...
Maybe?

and i'm right there with you in getting out of the house in order to heal at all...it is so hard!

[joyful]

For sure. I'm right there with you. Trying to puzzle this out all day... It's good to not be going alone though, like knowing I'm not the only one confused!
Whew I just need to take a big huge deep breath!  Whatever it's called is still abusive. 

[Wife#2]

Oh, wow. I just clicked the link and read the entire blog post.

I think my mother may have dealt with some of this. I'm afraid that I do a little of this, and that scares the *** out of me.

But, my husband, in relation to his adult son - my stepson - OMG. I'm sitting here in complete shock. They just described the entire relationship between father and son.

And, it makes sense. hubby's father died when hubby was still preschool. HIS father died when HIS father was still preschool.

There is a real sense from hubby that somehow his son OWES him a perfect life and complete devotion for not dying while son was preschool age. Also, I've had arguments with hubby that what he's doing is not only not helpful, nor likely to produce the respect he feels he is owed by this adult son, it's likely to cause the young man to hate him and run as far away as he can from us (I'm guilty by association AND for standing up WITH hubby when I knew hubby to be wrong).

I don't know or care if it's that he's co-dependent,  a narc, cPTSD or whatever. I just know that the article detailed everything like they were spying in our windows for the last dozen years.

[rosemarie]

Wife # 2
Sorry to hear about your step son that must have been hard to watch. Kind of sounds also like you got triangulated into going along with your husband. I feel like that's how my step dad is.

[Wife#2]

Rosemarie, it's very likely that I was triangulated. Hubby tied agreement and loyalty together. He used to tell me all the worst parts of stepson. Sometimes, I'd have to agree. He was a teenager, acting out as any teenager would. It got so bad that we'd involve stepdaughter in the discussions. She called them what they were and refused to participate anymore - they were bash sessions. They were hubby's way of making sure I always saw stepson as a brat and punk. The problem for hubby was that I saw WHY stepson might be that way and I saw who stepson had decided to become. A thoughtful, caring, open-minded fellow who trusted almost nobody but wanted to.

The more I talked with stepson away from hubby, the more I respected and admired stepson for who he had chosen to become, despite his parents (neither of whom were going to win parenting awards). I've let him know that I love him very much, respect who he has become and admire him for his choices as an adult. Not ALL of them, but most for sure.

Maybe if you talk to your stepfather away from your mother - not always easy to do, but worth the effort - and let him see the woman you are (smart, funny, wise, learning), it'll help him see you for YOU and not so much for who your mom tells him you are. You could just end up with an ally in her home, one you really, really need right now.

Tell your stepdad about me if you want to. I give you official permission :-)  It may help to hear that there are other stepparents struggling with wanting to do right by their stepkids, but struggling because of the 'codependent' parent interfering!