How long does the grieving process take?

[jdcooper]

I am in therapy and just coming out of the fog.  I am having intense crying spells and can cry at just about anything.  I am concerned about getting stuck in this.  I can't access my anger very well and feel that that would be more empowering.  Any advice about how long is acceptable to grieve and how to access anger?

[Contessa]

Hello jdcooper

Grief will take as long as it needs to. There is no prescribed time.

It is almost an unconscious thing, your body and mind does what it needs to to work through the pain. And work through it must to gain acceptance on the other side.

It may not seem like it, but by relinquishing some control, this process will go quicker, you will not be stuck The anger will come when it needs to.

With your therapist and this community, you will not stall. We are with you all the way.

Contessa

[Kizzie]

Hey Coop, I have two suggestions that might work, they did for me.  The first is to write back and forth with your Inner Child.  You use your writing hand to write as adult you, and then switch to the other hand to answer as young you.  When I first tried this with a T younger me had not really risen to the surface before then but she (I) did and let me know in short order how angry she(I) was.

The other is to imagine someone you like or love as a child and see them in your mind's eye going through the types of things you did  that led to you having CPTSD.  If you feel angry for that child don't be surprised, let it flow.  It's somehow easier to get angry for someone else than it is for ourselves - so many of us weren't allowed to be angry ever. It's a bit of a workaround to the anger but gets you there or at least it did me.

Hope one or both work for you!

[jdcooper]

Thanks Contessa and Kizzie.  Kizzie I will try them both.  This sure is a lot of hard work 

[rosemarie]

Wow great responses Contessa and Kizzie!

JD

I think you bring up something super common for a lot of us which is getting overwhelmed (please insert your specific feeling here, I get hopeless too, or impatient, for example) wondering how long we are going to have to feel everything. I sure do feel like that sometimes. I think what I often end up doing is trying to acknowledge it's ok to feel overwhelmed (or whatever we feel) and then focus on my progress and look at how courageous and determined I have been to face it at all. I admire your courage to be vulnerable and 'come out of the fog,' sometimes I think it feels like we didn't have a choice, but we did: we chose to face it and seek help. That's incredibly inspiring of you to share and do. It sure is a lot of hard work! Thank you for sharing

[jdcooper]

Hi Rosemarie, that's exactly it.  How * long is this going to take.  Should I try and just trigger myself to get out some more grief or let it come naturally.  Should I start boxing to let some anger out or will it come naturally.  Yes I am impatient.  I want to be over this and have a job (I have been unemployed for two years) and start making money and plan for retirement like I should be doing.  My therapist said the other day it may take 2-3 years; something like that.  But my husband says if you don't have a job by x date (a year from now) we are really going to be in a difficult situation.  I don't know if I can handle working full time right now.  I often don't sleep well; I am still drinking a bit to numb the pain; I am exhausted by the emotional effort that recovery takes.  I just feel so * helpless sometimes.  I have worked every day of my adult life up until two years ago.  I was an attorney and that was too stressful of a job.  I have to find something completely new.  My identity has been shattered.  OK this is turning into a whine fest.  I am writing this in a sleep deprived state.  I'll come back when I am more centered.

[rosemarie]

Hey JD,

Oh I can so relate right now. I am in a similar boat. Especially feeling right now like when is the person who is supporting me going to drop the bomb again and tell me I have to get a job (my mother just can't understand). I find that this is really keeping me from being able to move forward, I get paralyzed by the stress of forcing it, when there is no actual time frame on this. I've communicated this to her but it's like she's deaf, which is so invalidating, even though she wants to be supportive. Then it's this big cycle of crazy making for me. Anyways, attorney sounds like it would be a high stress job and I can definitely relate to losing my work and having identity shattered as well, and the helplessness of being dependent now really can trigger more of that feeling if we were helpless in a traumatic situation. It's really starting to feel like a vicious cycle to me and I'm wondering how to get out of it as well. I just want to move on. Not to be discouraging but I've been at this 5 years now since I started having flashbacks. Trouble is I keep getting re-traumatized and regressing so that's not helping. So hopefully you are in a safe situation with current partner. No whine fest at all, I've been sleep deprived lately too and it is the WORST.

What I am focusing on (or trying) is what is my purpose and what do I really want to do with my life? As in, if I really let myself dream and there were no barriers (especially all the self doubt ones that were planted in my head by abusers  ), what would I do? Those abusive people aimed to rob us of our free will and creativity to keep us under control and away from ever achieving our dreams to serve their own twisted agendas and needs. Sometimes what keeps me going is the stubbornness of * that! I'm starting on a journey with a life coach who is trauma sensitive, specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse, because I started to feel like therapy isn't enough. Realistically I'm too tired to make a huge transition at this exact moment, but focusing on figuring this out I think could be really useful to pulling me out of the 'learned helplessness' trap. I thought I'd share this in case you might find it useful someday. Good job taking a break to rest and get grounded. You sound in touch with yourself and your needs and that shows me you have probably done a lot of work already. 

[jdcooper]

Thanks for your post Rosemarie-it helps so much to know I am not alone in this.  My husband is kind and supportive but also worried about his own health and ability to work past age 65-he is 60 now.  My therapist met him recently and told me today that I SHOULD NOT EXPECT him to work until he is 70.  She said he seemed so tired.  He has back problems and is going to have back surgery soon.  He can't travel on his job like he used to.  I am in great physical health.  My grandmother lived to be 101.  I should be able to work well past retirement years.  My dad is 76 in great health and still working full time.

I hear you on stubborness.  I had a streak of rage today in therapy and said if I can * go from no self-esteem, flunking out of 10th grade, with a narcissistic, unsupportive father and bipolar neglectful mother and cruel sisters-to a law school graduate - then I can damn well turn my * life around now. 

I am excited for you that you found a new coach and hope you get a lot out of that.

[rosemarie]

JD
Glad you have a supportive partner! So sorry he has back pain I know how that goes. So glad you have great physical health and are feeling empowered from therapy! Good work. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, jd, as to your question about should you push on this or let it come naturally?  my own experience has been that on days when i feel stronger, i will give a bit of a push.  it's not an impatience thing so much as it is a 'i've got some energy today to tackle some of this more proactively'.   then, of course, sometimes things come up naturally, and i deal with them when they do - writing it out, pounding my bed in anger, whatever is needed at the time.

i think it's different for everyone.  i know that when i feel pressured to accomplish something, it doesn't work out quite as well as just having faith that i'll be able to do what i need to do when the time comes.   that's when it seems like things fall into place, the work gets done, another piece of the trauma is met and bested.  wishing you the best with this, always.  i know you'll find your way.

[jdcooper]

Sanmagic7, I agree, why not work on it when we have the emotional energy to do so.  Yesterday I did, I volunteer at a hospital every day but Tuesday.  So I let it rip.  Listening to music of my adolescence really triggers me and at the same time-its really quite beautiful.  That music was great.(70's-80's)  Anyway I kept picturing my inner child and I kept seeing my father and other abusive men and boys and just repeated in my mind over and over to stay the * away from her. That she is precious and innocent and smart and has amazing potential and just to leave her the * alone.  When I got to my therapist office I was astonished at how I just unleashed this rage inside of me.  I cussed like a sailor but she doesn't mind a few f-bombs; she says them herself.  I felt so empowered.  I told her that I thought it was extraordinary that I came out of this horrible childhood and adolescence and actually got myself through law school and to a good husband and healthy well adjusted child.  It's working-maybe slower than I want but it is working.

My therapist credits my reading, researching and finding this forum to my breakthroughs.  I was frozen until I discovered this forum.  I can't tell you all enough about the support and connection and understanding that this forum has given me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who take the time to listen and validate.  It is a powerful thing and not to be underestimated.

[Three Roses]

Listening to music of my adolescence really triggers me and at the same time-its really quite beautiful.  That music was great.(70's-80's)  Anyway I kept picturing my inner child and I kept seeing my father and other abusive men and boys and just repeated in my mind over and over to stay the * away from her. That she is precious and innocent and smart and has amazing potential and just to leave her the * alone.

Thanks for this idea! I'm going to try it.

[solongStockholm]

What thoughtful suggestions. The second worked instantly...imagining my husband being ignored surged sadness right up into my throat. I have such difficulty accessing my emotions...this may do the trick! Thanks for sharing. Hope you have success with it too Cooper.

Hey Coop, I have two suggestions that might work, they did for me.  The first is to write back and forth with your Inner Child.  You use your writing hand to write as adult you, and then switch to the other hand to answer as young you.  When I first tried this with a T younger me had not really risen to the surface before then but she (I) did and let me know in short order how angry she(I) was.

The other is to imagine someone you like or love as a child and see them in your mind's eye going through the types of things you did  that led to you having CPTSD.  If you feel angry for that child don't be surprised, let it flow.  It's somehow easier to get angry for someone else than it is for ourselves - so many of us weren't allowed to be angry ever. It's a bit of a workaround to the anger but gets you there or at least it did me.

Hope one or both work for you!

[bring em all in]

jd- I don't know what style(s) of music you like, but Lou Reed had an album a while back called "Magic and Loss." He wrote and recorded it after losing two of his close friends. From beginning to end it goes through the nonlinear stages of grief, and I've found it helpful in connecting to my feelings.

Anger is one of those stages. Right now I'm in the "Warrior King" song stage.

"I wish I was the warrior king in every language that I speak
Lord over all that I survey and all that I see I keep
Power omnipresent, undiminished uncontrolled
With a mass of violent fury at the center of my soul."

If Lou Reed doesn't do it for you, is there other music that expresses/connects to your feelings? Sometimes I can only think/feel in lyrics and music.

[jdcooper]

Yeah bring em music is a powerful way to explore emotions I'll try listening to Lou Reed.  I don't think too much about lyrics when I listen; the music itself takes me back to a painful time and it's a way and getting at those feelings.  I like classic rock, soft rock, soul from the 70's and 80's.